Sexuality

Oh no, I said the S word.

I don't know how to put all my thoughts in cohesive form, so just bear with me.

Sexuality is something that is an intrinsic part of us. (I do not mean it in a universal non-cultural way, I understand we are influenced by culture and all) but it is a part of us. It is an expression of something within us. I suppose it's almost like a revelation of the soul and the life experiences.

While I am all for monogamy and staying faithful (for very obvious reasons), I also understand that sexuality happens. No, I do not mean that it is okay for my husband to sleep with someone else. If we view sexuality as an expression, then it is bound to show in other parts of our ways of life. It is bound to be expressed just like other parts of you re expressed.

Can I just get to my gripe? (I hate circumventing the issue) I absolutely hate it when people who pursue chastity and purity will abstain from doing things like hugs or dancing. I have had male paternal figures abstain from a full frontal hug. This made me feel dirty. Like I was dirtying someone through a hug. While it is true that some of our sexuality could be imprinted into a hug, in my opinion, we should not abstain from practices such as hugging. If we wish to look at this from a Biblical perspective, I would quote Romans 16:16- Greet each other with a holy kiss. If we want to see it from a merely emotional understanding, I cannot fathom of a Christ who would not hug me. You will not tell me Christ had no temptations or sexual impulses, because then Christ would not be a fully human figure, but merely a divine one.

Then there's dancing. I have heard dancing is not okay because you are being sort of sexually explicit. I am sorry, but we are not more sexually explicit from dancing than from walking, eating, flirting, kissing, or anything. It is something within us, and sexuality will be expressed some way or another, and we cannot try to disregard it. We were created as sexual beings. Our sexuality is a part of us.

I think what upsets me the most is that sexuality is regarded almost with disgust. We are being trained to equate sexuality with shame, with something dirty. Someone once told me after getting married she was embarrassed to be in the same room as her father, because he knew what she had done the night before. Why? Why have we come to this? Sexuality is not even okay in the context of marriage?

I watched a film called "This film is not yet rated" about the way sexuality in movies is more of an indicator of rating than violence. Why? This really seriously bothers me. When I have children, I want them to know they are sexual beings, and that is normal and natural and good, we were created that way. However, violence is not something in their nature I wish for them to experience. It is not something natural and normal and good. Let's not even go as far as sexuality, but what about nudity? Why are we so uncomfortable with nudity? Why is it that nudity is equated with sexuality?

I remember I freaked out the first few times I had to draw in Figure Drawing (yes, there was a live naked model). Why was this? I was not doing anything with said model. It was the mere thought of nudity. I was raised with eyes closed to nudity, with equating nudity to sexuality (despite being told the reverse-- that nudity was natural) and sexuality with dirtiness. Impurity. Leading a bad life. Like whatever I saw would come inside my soul and rot it out. I think it's safe to say drawing nude male models did not awaken nor doze my curiosity of sexuality any more than having everyday interactions with boys. (I am being so honest).

So why do we shelter ourselves? Why do we equate sexuality with dirtiness? What is it that makes people paranoid and so protective they're not letting normal healthy interactions happen?

In closing, vagina. Does this make you uncomfortable? Why?

random things...

well i have stopped blogging for a very long time. in fact, i can't remember the last time i actually wrote something as a journal entry...

here i am, 22, fresh out of college, in my 3rd month right back from my 2 month trip to france... i am engaged since august. i am working at a place doing something i don't absolutely love, but i do love helping people and the fact i feel like my job is of some consequence (i can't even begin to imagine working at an assembly line)... my job is not really hard i just wish there was someone who could really teach and tell me what is expected of me. there are no real set of instructions, which makes me feel kind of uncomfortable.

by far, my favorite person at my job is the janitor. she is amazing. she's really kind and sweet and always seems to care. she's really bright and sunny but not so much that it's fake happiness or the kind that makes you want to yell... it's the kind of subtle nicety that makes you appreciate life and being alive. she's certainly a breath of fresh air for me. i'm trying to figure this out-- my dad is the type of guy who's always happy. he likes to talk. these are two qualities i dearly enjoy in other people. (such as the happy disposition of the janitor or the talkativeness of one of my best girl pals)... but for some reason i do not appreciate these traits in my dad as much. in fact, most of the time i find them rather annoying. i wonder if it has something to do with living with him. you know, being woken up on a saturday morning at 8 am by someone wiggling your foot and going "what are you still doing in bed? it's such a BEAUTIFUL morning!c'mon, get up and let's celebrate we're ALIVE!" (starts singing some sort of chipper song) as well as appreciating someone who talks a lot (so that i don't have to be the one always looking for something to say) but not hearing the same story about a dozen times that day... 24 in two days... 365 times in about 2 years...

but i mean, still. i know my dad's awesome. i just have a hard time remembering that when he's saying something i highly disagree with, or when he wakes me up by singing at God-forsaken times on a saturday morning...

I have so much desire and so little discipline. Sometimes I wish I could carry out all my plans, and yet I waste all my time doing pointless things.

Recently I thought to myself, when I die, what will I regret?
The answer wasn't all the mistakes I had made, but all the life I didn't live. All the things I kept inside of me that I never had the courage to yell out. All the things I postponed, all the things I never had a chance to experience or see. All the wounds I didn't help to heal...

how to get through 21 semester hours?

i feel lonely sometimes.
i prayed in the bus and God told me He would be my fill, He would grow me. i know it's true, i know He hasn't left me and that everything happens for a reason. yet i have this pounding headache and a longing for something more. i wish to heal the earth, my little part. whatever little purpose i have. i wish to fulfill it well.
i know, dirty rags, yet i believe in God's goodness. this hits home with me:

Excerpt from "To Write Love on Her Arms"
by Jamie Tworkowski

...Don Miller says we're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding. I agree so greatly.
We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love.

i want to be alive. i want to be the visible tool which God may use at His free will. i want to do something. i don't want to stay passively watching the world crumble. i want to be the change i desire for the world. we often deny that we are a whole. we think of ourselves as parts-- the mind, the spirit, the body. but no, i think it's the whole. we have to fully love --mind, spirit, body-- and then will we be truly free. our parts have to be in accordance. our parts have to be submitted for a cause, a conviction. equally, we shouldn't be divided with humanity. i know we have our discrepancies, and of course, we would not agree with unethical things, i think i'm safe in assuming no one wants the discriminate murder of babies or a particular race... yet, there's something deeper. there is power when people have the conviction that world hunger should end and they unite despite differences to make a difference.
i am not entirely sure this ramble is going anywhere really. i just needed to get it off my chest.

Under the scrutiny of the rationality lens

Since I am almost positive no one reads this blog anymore, I might pick it up once again. It's not that I have some great secret I want to keep from the world (this would be a pretty dumb way to "hide" a secret), it's more that I seem to grow weary of the routine and my old blog has become a specific thing. It's like I am hyper aware of what I feel people expect from me, what they'd like to hear, or what they don't want to hear. It seems that there are things we cannot speak of, we dare not bring to light. Again, not because these things are some great secret, but because of fear of people. Fear to hurt people or even for people to completely misunderstand what is being written. Although I assume that happens in all places, maybe starting fresh with the old would help. I am the new old me. Nice to meet you.

First of all, I don't understand why people have seemed to be offended with the things I state. Granted, they are my own opinions and I understand them and their origins, it just seems people are eager to find something that will offend them. Chill out people. Goodness, I hate being scrutinized. Also, if I make a broad statement, please, do not assume it is about you. I know we all have some narcissistic complex, but it is usually good to put that complex under a lens of rationality. When assuming someone is writing about you, it is usually good to ask oneself the following questions:
1. Do I have a close relationship to the writer?
2. Did the writer mention an activity we have done recently, such that we went skating and the writer states "when we skated that punk pushed me". Well, I in fact, pushed you, so that would, in fact, make me a punk. However, this is not true if the action you have engaged with the writer occurred many a moons ago. For example, if one time in Pre-K we skated, and I mention "when we skated that punk pushed me" it is irrational to believe the writer speaks about you. Unless the writer has problems letting go of the past and lost a leg when you pushed him/her that time you skated together, in which case, it is perfectly rational to believe that the writer remembers the incident back in Pre-K.
3. Does the writer openly mention you or something very specific about you? An example of this would be if you are a 6 feet tall attractive blonde skinny woman who stole the writer's husband. If the writer refers to "the giant blonde husband-stealer" then there is probable and rational cause to believe that the writer is speaking about you.
4. Does the writer openly name you? In this case, you are perfectly justified in believing it is you, unless your name is very common and you've never met the writer.

Other than that, statistically speaking, if you are not closely related to the writer and really have no close connection to them, our rationality lens tells us chances of the writer writing about us is highly improbable.

That mentioned, welcome to my new old blog. The writings here will probably not be about you, unless you have a very close relationship to me (in other words, I know I will not offend you), if we have done an activity very recently, if I state something very specific about you, or if I openly name you. Please be courteous and always wear the rationality glasses when reading. :) Thank you.

tortured realities that open doors
to dreams of fantasy and taciturn exhilaration
apathetic and ecstatic
all things great and small
rage that goes unspoken
secrets in the chambers of my heart

soft quiet waters that lullaby
trees that whisper peace
waters of grace
gentle grass,
caressing the pale naked body
of my disembodied soul

brokedness to spring forth new life

hehe uses for a scanner...

Memoirs: Italy

the next part we toured was Italy.

i was inwardly jumping with excitement in the tour bus. i had my eyes wide open, trying to catch every little detail. the country side was just beautiful... it felt so melancholy and peaceful at the same time....

first we went to Geneva, were we had lunch. our tour guide recommended if we went to a port city to try dishes with seafood, so when time for lunch came, i ordered a sandwich with sea products... it read "Mayonnaise, lettuce, tuna, shrimp on toasted bread." I thought, what the heck, i'll give it a shot, even with the mayo. Never will any other sandwich taste the same. It was the most delicious sandwich I have ever had in my whole life.... and to think it was at a little cheap cafe in Geneva.... I have never liked mayonaise, but homemade mayonaise is a divine creation. Later we saw the port and the aquarium, although we didn't want to spend time at he aquarium. It was more fun watching people and their customs.


At nighttime we went to Venice. The streets there were extremely narrow, and so we momentarily blocked a street adn part of a sidewalk, were an old lady in a bicycle angrily mumbled what I suppose would be bad French, in Italian of course. Our hotel was old and sort of... umm... not the best thing in the world. But the water from the water faucet tasted incredible! Italian water is just unbelievable...

Venice the next day was incredible. At noon we got to ride a gondola. The tour paid for Italian champagne, called "Spumanti". We offered some to our gondoleer and musicians (who were riding in our gondola) but the accordeon player said it wasn't a good idea to drink and be under the sun at the same time. We laughed. He also said "Caldo? NO! Il inferno!" as he poured the stinky Venetian water in his hair.

we saw beautiful balconies with anti war propaganda and geraniums. gosh i love their geraniums....

God loves you and hasn't forsaken you

so here's a daisy i never gave. i've had it in my heart to give this beautiful daisy to a beautiful person who's going through some tough times. you might say, well why haven't you given it to this beautiful person???

you see, i love this person very much. but i'm not sure this person understands this. i'm not sure if this person understands i've never done anything to hurt them.


you see, it's very hard to manifest any type of love to a person who is hurt. sometimes that person's hurt doesn't allow them to see some things. sometimes it just seems at the time like your actions were hurtful when the only thing you had in mind was the best for everyone.

what to do in those instances? keep the daisy to yourself... keep it in your heart, wait for the person to get better and tell them in your prayers that you love them, and ask God to pour out His whole and healing love on that person.

I don't like lying. in fact, i hate lies. God is truth, and evil is lack of truth. lies hurt and they are unfair and they go against everything i believe and everything i want to be. i can't say everything i've ever said is complete truth, but i try my best not to be ever be deceptive... it's not in what i wish for my character. i want to love and i want to be compassionate and a good person. that's all i've ever wanted.

what's more important--- God loves you. He has everlasting merciful love. no matter what you do, or how you perceive yourself, He loves you with unending love. He doesn't make mistakes, only man makes mistakes, but He forgives us anyways. you know why? because when He sees us, He sees His own son or daughter in us. (wow).... He sees everything He created us to be. and He created us with a purpose and with love.

post secret

from Post secret.... i found it very moving. sometimes i look at these postcards and wonder who writes them. I like to wonder what kind of secrets my friends have, and I can relate to some secrets up there myself....

pursuing

yesterday is a kid in the corner
yesterday is dead and over
this is your life
are you who you want to be?
this is your life
is everything you’ve dreamed it would be
when the world was younger
and you had everything to lose?
--Switchfoot, "This is your life"

I'm unhappy, so I'll do everything in my power to become the person I want to be. I realize outside circumstances are not in my power, I've dwelled in them too much, eh? So I'm letting go.

past is past, new has come.

Aug. 22, 2004

"I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else."

C.S. Lewis

anything beautiful or pure, anything worthy, He made it so. my love is imperfect for it's human love. I wish I could love like God, but I'm merely a vessel, i'm not the source. i'm humbled and grateful for it. I'm grateful for his unfailing, faithful, full love. I'm grateful for this life and the chances I have of seeing His love in other people's lives.

you will see and find this love... seek and you shall find. i'm excited to about the plans God has for you, and I know He loves you... find Him. find HIm in the silence, find His burning heart. He wants to overflow your cup too. when you find Him, perfect love will come. eternal and pure... peace be with you and blessing pour upon you. much love! muah! :-D


i found that in my blog. ha it's funny reading your own words a year later... i encouraged myself. it's weird, my own words encouraged me. they made me happy of who i am despite my depression and all.... who would've told me my very own words could cme back to me as a blessing?
i hope they bless you too.


and by the way---- i never burnt the picture, and the subject matter is an unlikely one...

Did God Create Evil?

Did God Create Evil?


The university professor challenged his students with this question:

Did God create everything that exists? "
A student bravely replied "Yes, he did!"
"God created everything?" the professor asked.
"Yes sir," the student replied.
The professor answered, "If God created everything, then God created
evil since evil exists, and according to the principal that our works
define who we are, then God is evil."
The professor was quite pleased with himself and boasted to the
students that he had proven once more that the Christian faith was a
myth.



Another student raised his hand and said, "Can I ask you a question
professor?"
"Of course," replied the professor.
The student stood up and asked, "Professor does cold exist?"
The professor replied "Of course it exists. Have you never been
cold?"
The students snickered at the young man's question.
The young man replied, "In fact sir, cold does not exist. According
to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the
absence of heat. Everybody or object is susceptible to study when it has
or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or
transmit energy. Absolute zero (- 460 degrees F) is the total absence
of heat. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe
how we feel if we have no heat.



The student continued. "Professor, does darkness exist?"
The professor responded, "Of course it does."
The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir. Darkness does not
exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light
we can study, but not darkness. In fact we can use Newton's prism to
break white light into many colors and study the various
wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple
ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it.
How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount
of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness is a term used by man
to describe what happens when there is no light present."



Finally the young man asked the professor. "Sir, does evil exist?"
Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course as I have already
said. We see it every day. It is in the daily example of man's
inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence
everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but
evil."
To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist sir, or at least it
does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It
is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to
describe the absence of God.
God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man
does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold
that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there
is no light."
The professor sat down.
The young man's name --- Albert Einstein.

i thought about burning her picture today... but what good would that be?

you are loved and wanted by God. there is freedom and peace in Him....

that emptiness, that pang of pain will be taken away, and the spirit of joy and peace and a fulfilling love will come back, will arise in your chest, like an everlasting extasis if you'll only accept it.