random things...

well i have stopped blogging for a very long time. in fact, i can't remember the last time i actually wrote something as a journal entry...

here i am, 22, fresh out of college, in my 3rd month right back from my 2 month trip to france... i am engaged since august. i am working at a place doing something i don't absolutely love, but i do love helping people and the fact i feel like my job is of some consequence (i can't even begin to imagine working at an assembly line)... my job is not really hard i just wish there was someone who could really teach and tell me what is expected of me. there are no real set of instructions, which makes me feel kind of uncomfortable.

by far, my favorite person at my job is the janitor. she is amazing. she's really kind and sweet and always seems to care. she's really bright and sunny but not so much that it's fake happiness or the kind that makes you want to yell... it's the kind of subtle nicety that makes you appreciate life and being alive. she's certainly a breath of fresh air for me. i'm trying to figure this out-- my dad is the type of guy who's always happy. he likes to talk. these are two qualities i dearly enjoy in other people. (such as the happy disposition of the janitor or the talkativeness of one of my best girl pals)... but for some reason i do not appreciate these traits in my dad as much. in fact, most of the time i find them rather annoying. i wonder if it has something to do with living with him. you know, being woken up on a saturday morning at 8 am by someone wiggling your foot and going "what are you still doing in bed? it's such a BEAUTIFUL morning!c'mon, get up and let's celebrate we're ALIVE!" (starts singing some sort of chipper song) as well as appreciating someone who talks a lot (so that i don't have to be the one always looking for something to say) but not hearing the same story about a dozen times that day... 24 in two days... 365 times in about 2 years...

but i mean, still. i know my dad's awesome. i just have a hard time remembering that when he's saying something i highly disagree with, or when he wakes me up by singing at God-forsaken times on a saturday morning...

I have so much desire and so little discipline. Sometimes I wish I could carry out all my plans, and yet I waste all my time doing pointless things.

Recently I thought to myself, when I die, what will I regret?
The answer wasn't all the mistakes I had made, but all the life I didn't live. All the things I kept inside of me that I never had the courage to yell out. All the things I postponed, all the things I never had a chance to experience or see. All the wounds I didn't help to heal...

how to get through 21 semester hours?

i feel lonely sometimes.
i prayed in the bus and God told me He would be my fill, He would grow me. i know it's true, i know He hasn't left me and that everything happens for a reason. yet i have this pounding headache and a longing for something more. i wish to heal the earth, my little part. whatever little purpose i have. i wish to fulfill it well.
i know, dirty rags, yet i believe in God's goodness. this hits home with me:

Excerpt from "To Write Love on Her Arms"
by Jamie Tworkowski

...Don Miller says we're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding. I agree so greatly.
We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love.

i want to be alive. i want to be the visible tool which God may use at His free will. i want to do something. i don't want to stay passively watching the world crumble. i want to be the change i desire for the world. we often deny that we are a whole. we think of ourselves as parts-- the mind, the spirit, the body. but no, i think it's the whole. we have to fully love --mind, spirit, body-- and then will we be truly free. our parts have to be in accordance. our parts have to be submitted for a cause, a conviction. equally, we shouldn't be divided with humanity. i know we have our discrepancies, and of course, we would not agree with unethical things, i think i'm safe in assuming no one wants the discriminate murder of babies or a particular race... yet, there's something deeper. there is power when people have the conviction that world hunger should end and they unite despite differences to make a difference.
i am not entirely sure this ramble is going anywhere really. i just needed to get it off my chest.

Under the scrutiny of the rationality lens

Since I am almost positive no one reads this blog anymore, I might pick it up once again. It's not that I have some great secret I want to keep from the world (this would be a pretty dumb way to "hide" a secret), it's more that I seem to grow weary of the routine and my old blog has become a specific thing. It's like I am hyper aware of what I feel people expect from me, what they'd like to hear, or what they don't want to hear. It seems that there are things we cannot speak of, we dare not bring to light. Again, not because these things are some great secret, but because of fear of people. Fear to hurt people or even for people to completely misunderstand what is being written. Although I assume that happens in all places, maybe starting fresh with the old would help. I am the new old me. Nice to meet you.

First of all, I don't understand why people have seemed to be offended with the things I state. Granted, they are my own opinions and I understand them and their origins, it just seems people are eager to find something that will offend them. Chill out people. Goodness, I hate being scrutinized. Also, if I make a broad statement, please, do not assume it is about you. I know we all have some narcissistic complex, but it is usually good to put that complex under a lens of rationality. When assuming someone is writing about you, it is usually good to ask oneself the following questions:
1. Do I have a close relationship to the writer?
2. Did the writer mention an activity we have done recently, such that we went skating and the writer states "when we skated that punk pushed me". Well, I in fact, pushed you, so that would, in fact, make me a punk. However, this is not true if the action you have engaged with the writer occurred many a moons ago. For example, if one time in Pre-K we skated, and I mention "when we skated that punk pushed me" it is irrational to believe the writer speaks about you. Unless the writer has problems letting go of the past and lost a leg when you pushed him/her that time you skated together, in which case, it is perfectly rational to believe that the writer remembers the incident back in Pre-K.
3. Does the writer openly mention you or something very specific about you? An example of this would be if you are a 6 feet tall attractive blonde skinny woman who stole the writer's husband. If the writer refers to "the giant blonde husband-stealer" then there is probable and rational cause to believe that the writer is speaking about you.
4. Does the writer openly name you? In this case, you are perfectly justified in believing it is you, unless your name is very common and you've never met the writer.

Other than that, statistically speaking, if you are not closely related to the writer and really have no close connection to them, our rationality lens tells us chances of the writer writing about us is highly improbable.

That mentioned, welcome to my new old blog. The writings here will probably not be about you, unless you have a very close relationship to me (in other words, I know I will not offend you), if we have done an activity very recently, if I state something very specific about you, or if I openly name you. Please be courteous and always wear the rationality glasses when reading. :) Thank you.