it's official--- i didn't make it in.
and i started thinking---
i've never been the best at anything. nope. not the best at school. not the best of friends. not the best of students. not the best at art. not the best at being nice. not the prettiest, not the kindest. not the happiest. not the most outspoken. not the shyest. not the best Christian, not the best sister. not the best daughter. not the best girlfriend. not the best human. not the best at writing. not the best at talking. not the best at being polite. not the best at doing my work. not the best at socializing. not the best at making people smile.
i'm just not the best. i'm mediocre, i'm your average person. can't say i'm the best at anything. i'm not memorable, not special. i tried... but never too hard.... that's what makes me mediocre....
i am a human and i cared so much for people.... i can say i've cared.... so much that it hurts the depths of my soul.... so much, that i neglected other things....
i'm unorganized, i have horrible crafsmanship.... i am self-centered, i seek praise. i like sympathy (although i don't expect comments.... this is not my pity me talk...), i like to be held... i'm fragile. so fragile.
i admit it... i'm the worst of them all.
and the random song lyrics in my head----
"the beautiful thing about the desert, is it that it has water in its interior" it's not over, it's on....
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Friday, April 22, 2005
Monday, April 18, 2005
i still love you
everyone ought to read They Cage the Animals at Night by Jennings Michael Burch. it's about how frail we are as humans, and how even though we're vulnerable we should still allow people to love us and we should love people despite the hurt. it's just a great book overall....
i heard one of my friends confess to me it's hard for her to allow people to love her, she feels so unworthy. i didn't quite understand that feeling until recently, when someone pointed out to me i wasn't allowing God to love me, (and it's true, He says i love you, and i pull away, saying, but i'm not worthy...)
truth is, no one is, He just loves us anyway.
and me... i still love you. yes, you. no, i'm not talking just to Stephen (though i do love him)... but you.... i do happen to know who my audience is, you know....
i heard one of my friends confess to me it's hard for her to allow people to love her, she feels so unworthy. i didn't quite understand that feeling until recently, when someone pointed out to me i wasn't allowing God to love me, (and it's true, He says i love you, and i pull away, saying, but i'm not worthy...)
truth is, no one is, He just loves us anyway.
and me... i still love you. yes, you. no, i'm not talking just to Stephen (though i do love him)... but you.... i do happen to know who my audience is, you know....
Thursday, April 14, 2005
eh....
have you ever wondered whether something you lived was truth or fiction?
does it matter?
i'm dealing with several things at once... among them, my portfolio is due in 10 days and an hour and i don't feel like doing anything... :-/
and i don't mean i'm feeling lazy, i mean i'm mentally exhausted and dry of ideas...... :(
does it matter?
i'm dealing with several things at once... among them, my portfolio is due in 10 days and an hour and i don't feel like doing anything... :-/
and i don't mean i'm feeling lazy, i mean i'm mentally exhausted and dry of ideas...... :(
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Biography
i had to write a "brief" biography for my website (coming soon!) so i figured since i wrote it, i might as well copy paste it. :) here it goes:
I was born in a little town in central Mexico called Guanajuato, Guanajuato. I used to fall asleep to Vivaldi’s Four Seasons, and I have been told I never ever cried, not even after a whole day of not eating. However, I did not grow up in quiet peaceful Guanajuato. I call Monterrey, Nuevo Leon my hometown. Ever since I can remember until the age of 11, I lived in a live city full of family, colors, and people. Happy childhood and carefree memories endure from Monterrey. Then we moved into a horrible, detestable, despicable town called Cd. Juarez, Chihuahua. The only thing that saves this town from being the closest thing to hell on earth in my mind would be two angels put in my path—Pamela Barrera and Señora Soledad Silva. Aside from that, absolute barbarism would be my fondest memory from that place. After living there for about a year and a half we moved to Madison, Wisconsin for a period of about 8 months. To briefly describe that period in my life, I shall say it was peaceful and equally uneventful, and I cherish the memory of a wonderful science teacher we lovingly nicknamed Dr. Slo (Mr.Slominsky was his real name). My eight grade year we came here, to the town everyone lovingly nicknames G-vegas. Hmmm… what to say about it? I have nothing but great memories of A.G. Cox Middle School and D.H. Conley High School (although now the memories are put to trial as to whether most are merely a figment of a wild imagination) but I can’t complain, many people don’t even have imagination to be happy about. I do hold close to my heart several wonderful people--- April Barnett, my closest friend. We have known each other since I arrived to Greenville and clicked instantaneously. Her friendship is one of my richest treasures. Theresa Rutchka, whose close friendship has encouraged me in many occasions. We have endured some tough times and we have endured many many many happy times. Kelly Rowe, my fantastic friend, the best story teller I know (who can accomplish not to tell a tall tale in the process!) And now (*drum roll*) the most unlikely, but one of my favorite—Stephen Kintz. Yes we went to the same high school, yes, we had classes together, but the chances of us going out were equal to the chances of planet Jupiter turning into a huge stick of mozzarella cheese. We come from opposite backgrounds, ideologies, and even music likes. Turns out, God has a bigger plan and the unlikely happened--- Jupiter turned into a big piece of cheese! Ha! NOT! Stephen possesses a greater soul than ideologies, cultures, music styles, or backgrounds. We have been together since December 18th, 2004. We have endured more little complications in our relationship than I’ve had in my whole life. And we’ve successfully made it through.
To recap my life briefly, for you, my lazy readers--- I’ve moved a lot, made a bunch of good friends, lost touch with many of them too, and discovered many things in the process. I try my best to be a good Christian, friend, daughter, student, sister, girlfriend, leader, and artist. I have failed miserably many times, but I can say I have tried.
I was born in a little town in central Mexico called Guanajuato, Guanajuato. I used to fall asleep to Vivaldi’s Four Seasons, and I have been told I never ever cried, not even after a whole day of not eating. However, I did not grow up in quiet peaceful Guanajuato. I call Monterrey, Nuevo Leon my hometown. Ever since I can remember until the age of 11, I lived in a live city full of family, colors, and people. Happy childhood and carefree memories endure from Monterrey. Then we moved into a horrible, detestable, despicable town called Cd. Juarez, Chihuahua. The only thing that saves this town from being the closest thing to hell on earth in my mind would be two angels put in my path—Pamela Barrera and Señora Soledad Silva. Aside from that, absolute barbarism would be my fondest memory from that place. After living there for about a year and a half we moved to Madison, Wisconsin for a period of about 8 months. To briefly describe that period in my life, I shall say it was peaceful and equally uneventful, and I cherish the memory of a wonderful science teacher we lovingly nicknamed Dr. Slo (Mr.Slominsky was his real name). My eight grade year we came here, to the town everyone lovingly nicknames G-vegas. Hmmm… what to say about it? I have nothing but great memories of A.G. Cox Middle School and D.H. Conley High School (although now the memories are put to trial as to whether most are merely a figment of a wild imagination) but I can’t complain, many people don’t even have imagination to be happy about. I do hold close to my heart several wonderful people--- April Barnett, my closest friend. We have known each other since I arrived to Greenville and clicked instantaneously. Her friendship is one of my richest treasures. Theresa Rutchka, whose close friendship has encouraged me in many occasions. We have endured some tough times and we have endured many many many happy times. Kelly Rowe, my fantastic friend, the best story teller I know (who can accomplish not to tell a tall tale in the process!) And now (*drum roll*) the most unlikely, but one of my favorite—Stephen Kintz. Yes we went to the same high school, yes, we had classes together, but the chances of us going out were equal to the chances of planet Jupiter turning into a huge stick of mozzarella cheese. We come from opposite backgrounds, ideologies, and even music likes. Turns out, God has a bigger plan and the unlikely happened--- Jupiter turned into a big piece of cheese! Ha! NOT! Stephen possesses a greater soul than ideologies, cultures, music styles, or backgrounds. We have been together since December 18th, 2004. We have endured more little complications in our relationship than I’ve had in my whole life. And we’ve successfully made it through.
To recap my life briefly, for you, my lazy readers--- I’ve moved a lot, made a bunch of good friends, lost touch with many of them too, and discovered many things in the process. I try my best to be a good Christian, friend, daughter, student, sister, girlfriend, leader, and artist. I have failed miserably many times, but I can say I have tried.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
random thought
the phenomena of projection always amazed me. you put on others the qualities that you feel about yourself. this happens unconsciously, but i think we all know to some degree that we're projecting ourselves, that it isn't the third party that is actually _____________, but it is a reflection of our own internal struggles.
if i called someone a liar, a fool, or a hater, then that's the way i actually feel about myself. how odd our conscience works....
if i called someone a liar, a fool, or a hater, then that's the way i actually feel about myself. how odd our conscience works....
Monday, April 11, 2005
lesson
tiramisu! flowers! thanks gorgeous! :-D it's so nice waking up in a lovely spring day to see those beauties ;) well at least one of them (the tiramisu is long gone....)
i've felt so crappy lately, and it shows in your face when you're not resting at night, when you feel your world shake and everything appears to be crumbling. or at least that's how you feel. (when your thoughts are so expensive to ever want to keep....) and you have 1000000 questions and there's absolutely no one to ask them to, (or there is but you can't hear His voice) and asking them really won't help out the situation... ya know? (in fact, it would create more chaos and stir the wrong sorts of things)
so all those questions show in your face in the shape of restlesness, worries, and silent unprovoked tears.
and what happens?
God doesn't forsake you. He sends just the right person at the right time. sure, everything old moves and changes and crumbles, but that doesn't mean new things won't arrive and pick you up and comfort you.
i always feared being alone, and this weekend proved to me that although it might not be the same people that in the past, God will send someone if you really need someone. it might be a stranger, or someone close that will grow closer, but God is faithful....
i've felt so crappy lately, and it shows in your face when you're not resting at night, when you feel your world shake and everything appears to be crumbling. or at least that's how you feel. (when your thoughts are so expensive to ever want to keep....) and you have 1000000 questions and there's absolutely no one to ask them to, (or there is but you can't hear His voice) and asking them really won't help out the situation... ya know? (in fact, it would create more chaos and stir the wrong sorts of things)
so all those questions show in your face in the shape of restlesness, worries, and silent unprovoked tears.
and what happens?
God doesn't forsake you. He sends just the right person at the right time. sure, everything old moves and changes and crumbles, but that doesn't mean new things won't arrive and pick you up and comfort you.
i always feared being alone, and this weekend proved to me that although it might not be the same people that in the past, God will send someone if you really need someone. it might be a stranger, or someone close that will grow closer, but God is faithful....
Friday, April 08, 2005
love
yay! blogger is letting me post again!! rock on! haha...
well let's see.. i've already written twice and my things got erased.... so i'll post about... oh and the other two posts that never got published because they're so secretive *insert spy face here*
well i'm gonna talk about my favorite thing in the whole wide world.... love.
when people hear love they here peaches and cream, warm fuzzies, bubbles and what not.... all corny girly lovey-dovey things.... and i suppose part of it is true, there is the warm fuzzies and all that stuff.... but really, love is more about other things...
love is about commitment. love is about i'll try my best not to hurt you even when i'm feeling like hurting you. i'm gonna stick to you even if you're sick, or annoying, or boring to me today. i'm gonna be here through the rough and easy, because you are valuable.
love is about sacrifice. i don't feel like giving up my time, but i will for you. i don't feel like cleaning up your mess, but you have no time to clean it up. i don't feel like talking, but i want you to know what's going on with me. i rather spend some time alone, or with this other friend, or watching tv, but instead, i'll listen to your problems. even if i can't do anything to help you out. i don't want you to be lonely.
love is more than emotion people! if you're waiting for emotions to stay for the rest of your life, you're screwed, emotions are as fickle as the weather. love is about something more, is about seeing a person's soul (or God's for that matter) and pouring yourself completely into that person, not expecting anything in return. (sure, good things come in return, but don't expect them and you'll be even more grateful).....
why do you need to love if it's so exhausting?
because it's what we were created to do. because God loved us first, He poured out all of Himself for us. you have the choice to love or live selfishly, but love, though harder (a LOT harder) will reap greater things than you ever expected. that's why love....
well let's see.. i've already written twice and my things got erased.... so i'll post about... oh and the other two posts that never got published because they're so secretive *insert spy face here*
well i'm gonna talk about my favorite thing in the whole wide world.... love.
when people hear love they here peaches and cream, warm fuzzies, bubbles and what not.... all corny girly lovey-dovey things.... and i suppose part of it is true, there is the warm fuzzies and all that stuff.... but really, love is more about other things...
love is about commitment. love is about i'll try my best not to hurt you even when i'm feeling like hurting you. i'm gonna stick to you even if you're sick, or annoying, or boring to me today. i'm gonna be here through the rough and easy, because you are valuable.
love is about sacrifice. i don't feel like giving up my time, but i will for you. i don't feel like cleaning up your mess, but you have no time to clean it up. i don't feel like talking, but i want you to know what's going on with me. i rather spend some time alone, or with this other friend, or watching tv, but instead, i'll listen to your problems. even if i can't do anything to help you out. i don't want you to be lonely.
love is more than emotion people! if you're waiting for emotions to stay for the rest of your life, you're screwed, emotions are as fickle as the weather. love is about something more, is about seeing a person's soul (or God's for that matter) and pouring yourself completely into that person, not expecting anything in return. (sure, good things come in return, but don't expect them and you'll be even more grateful).....
why do you need to love if it's so exhausting?
because it's what we were created to do. because God loved us first, He poured out all of Himself for us. you have the choice to love or live selfishly, but love, though harder (a LOT harder) will reap greater things than you ever expected. that's why love....
Sunday, April 03, 2005
from Hanan's blog:
also i told my friend that although i was going through some interesting things doesn't mean she has to compare her situations to mine. she is a warrior just like me. we are both fighting battles. different battles in the same war. that God knows what each of us can handle through Him. and that just because her dads not a muslim and she doesn't have a lil bro that has a disablity and her mom hasn't been in a 'special' unit in the hospital doesn't mean that she is not going through a hard time. she is allowed to hurt. we all are. we all have problems. not the same ones but yes issues we are going through. we are all warriors fighting different battles. just because your battle isn't the same battle im figthing doesn't mean im 'stronger' than you or your strong than me....urgh lost train of thought sorry....
now in my own words.... everybody hurts.... and i can't believe i've felt guilty about my blessings for so long....
what time is it?
time to move on and start fresh. time to be at peace.. time to grow up... time to pray. i've withheld from God... i've been stuck in my own muddy pain. time to let go. time to let go... time to graduate. i never really graduated, i always thought this was a long summer break, and we'd all come back and share how our summers went. then we'd have lunch and laugh and be a united group again.
time to graduate.
i should have listened the first time, but i guess this time it's for real. and my life holds so many adventures in its hands......
a thousand eyes
i don't know the purpose of this blog much anymore. i feel like there are a thousand eyes reading it, and all silently make judgement upon my every word. watching, hoping i'll fail.
only one that responds it's Stephen, as always by my side.... i suppose i don't expect any different. i never made any comments about anyone, not direct ones at least... maybe my audience expects that.
i'm sorry, it's not gonna happen. the purpose of this blog is to be public and for the edification of my brothers and sisters, whether through personal experience, sharing of information, or allowing you to know my emotional state. but never anything personal against anyone (although i will speak for people)...
there's too much negativity, i'm sick and tired of it, so i attempt to fight it with my optimism. it's the harder road, and no one is willing to bet any money on it, they think i'm being unrealistic and naive, but that's ok. you don't have to agree with me. i do as i think and i've never posed for anyone.... it's not in my nature to do so.... it's not all rainbows and butterflies, it's attitude towards life. it's "i believe in God, and i believe in good, and i believe in love." don't let the world tell you otherwise.
maybe it doesn't make sense to anyone but me. but hey, at least Stephen will respond.
only one that responds it's Stephen, as always by my side.... i suppose i don't expect any different. i never made any comments about anyone, not direct ones at least... maybe my audience expects that.
i'm sorry, it's not gonna happen. the purpose of this blog is to be public and for the edification of my brothers and sisters, whether through personal experience, sharing of information, or allowing you to know my emotional state. but never anything personal against anyone (although i will speak for people)...
there's too much negativity, i'm sick and tired of it, so i attempt to fight it with my optimism. it's the harder road, and no one is willing to bet any money on it, they think i'm being unrealistic and naive, but that's ok. you don't have to agree with me. i do as i think and i've never posed for anyone.... it's not in my nature to do so.... it's not all rainbows and butterflies, it's attitude towards life. it's "i believe in God, and i believe in good, and i believe in love." don't let the world tell you otherwise.
maybe it doesn't make sense to anyone but me. but hey, at least Stephen will respond.
Friday, April 01, 2005
mind's peace offering
someone really hurt me about a month and a half ago. i realize what they did was out of anger, but it just really really really really hurt.... and quite honestly, it still really hurts. i'm sick and tired (quite literally, even) of thinking and re-thinking about all sorts of questions, all sorts of things that wound my soul. tonight, i talked to Stephen about it, and i released a lot.... now it's time to let go and move on. i can't be stuck in the same old, i can't re-live my past, i can't wonder whether our friendship was true back then, or if there's any friendship left, and what not... because... it's irrelevant... i've clinged on to memories and i've clinged to things far gone... so here's my peace offering:
You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do
And it's breakin' my heart in two
Because I never wanna see you a sad girl
Don't be a bad girl
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child, girl
Baby, I love you
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware
--- cat stevens, wild wild world
yeah.... you're the person who comforted my sorrows, i was there to comfort you too (remember?... maybe i failed, but i did try). we had an amazing time together... i don't want to leave in a sad note... to me, you'll always be that child with the kind eyes and comforting sweet voice. always nice, always cheerful... you'll always be the person with whom i watched "life is beautiful" for the first time. and i bet we'll watch it 10,000 times and it'll still make us cry.
now i'll take all those good memories, store them in the trinket of my mind... remember you that way.... and if you thought you ever could need me, i'm still here for you. in my mind, you'll be the same kind eyed girl who's merely deeply hurt.... and you'll be healed, because God's grace covers you, and He hasn't forsaken you and never ever ever will..... peace be with you.
You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do
And it's breakin' my heart in two
Because I never wanna see you a sad girl
Don't be a bad girl
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child, girl
Baby, I love you
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware
--- cat stevens, wild wild world
yeah.... you're the person who comforted my sorrows, i was there to comfort you too (remember?... maybe i failed, but i did try). we had an amazing time together... i don't want to leave in a sad note... to me, you'll always be that child with the kind eyes and comforting sweet voice. always nice, always cheerful... you'll always be the person with whom i watched "life is beautiful" for the first time. and i bet we'll watch it 10,000 times and it'll still make us cry.
now i'll take all those good memories, store them in the trinket of my mind... remember you that way.... and if you thought you ever could need me, i'm still here for you. in my mind, you'll be the same kind eyed girl who's merely deeply hurt.... and you'll be healed, because God's grace covers you, and He hasn't forsaken you and never ever ever will..... peace be with you.
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