V

Her black sleek shoes are abused. They were meant for dancing, for a party, for glamour. Today, a dark cold rainy evening, they are covered in thick mud. Her face, beautiful and gentle, was smeared with black mascara. Her body, fragile, covered in black silk... how she loved him! how she wished she was elsewhere, how she wished she could have done something before. Regret. Frustration. Pain. Mourning.... part of her was buried with him.
She put mascara on. She wished to be beautiful still. But why? Her day started with mere thoughts of him. But he was no longer in this dimension... He could no longer touch her face or tell her it was all going to be all right. He would no longer see her. beautiful for who? For the dirt? For the falling leaves in a peaceful place? Or was it for the rain? Could the rain appreciate her efforts to look beautiful? Would the rain tell her she looked beautiful?
She woke up in the middle of the night. Tomorrow they would see each other. Her face lit up, shining in that dark cold night. She wished he lied beside her, so that she might embrace him, hold him close, tell him how much he meant to her. She slowly drifted into a pleasant sleep, as she thought of him. But the phone rang. Bad news. His best friend, sobbing, tortured soul-- she told how he had died in a car crash. He had drunk... who knows? ten.. twelve... forty beers? what does it matter? he died, he is gone.
the sunset's melody made her smile. she had so much life and want in her. patience was much easier when she thought he was coming tomorrow. she glowed, she sang. she cleaned her house. she danced in a silly fashion all around her house. she cooked with such a contempt, with such ease. she sang her happiest song.
he called during lunch break. he let her know he'd be in town tomorrow. she smiled and made plans in her mind.
she struggled. she couldn't allow him to do this. she believed getting drunk was wrong. she had never had more than a pina colada. she couldn't believe anyone would choose to impair their mind, put themselves at a risk for such a great loss. however, she swallowed her words. she couldn't tell him. she couldn't tell him she cared so much. she couldn't tell him not to do as he chose. that would imply being nosy, it would imply a break in their friendship. it would make her judgemental and harsh. it would make her old-fashioned. geek. naive, slow. stupid. she chose a deep silence that stung her heart.
she struggled. she couldn't allow him to do this. she believed getting drunk was wrong. she had never had more than a pina colada. she couldn't believe anyone would choose to impair their mind, put themselves at a risk for such a great loss.slowly, thoughtfully, she let her heart speak. she had to tell him. she cared too much to let him fall. it was his decision in the end, but she had to share her heart and her thoughts on his actions. isn't love like this? aren't you supposed to go through fire and hardships? refinement through fire. she understood she could never change anyone, it was only possible to change herself. but maybe she could have a bit of an impact on someone...
he called during lunch break. he let her know he'd be in town tomorrow. she smiled and made plans in her mind.
the sunset's melody made her smile. she had so much life and want in her. patience was much easier when she thought he was coming tomorrow. she glowed, she sang. she cleaned her house. she danced in a silly fashion all around her house. she cooked with such a contempt, with such ease. she sang her happiest song.
She woke up in the middle of the night. Tomorrow they would see each other. Her face lit up, shining in that dark cold night. She wished he lied beside her, so that she might embrace him, hold him close, tell him how much he meant to her. She slowly drifted into a pleasant sleep, as she thought of him. the sound of silence was always the sound of peace.
She put mascara on. She wished to be beautiful this morning full of hope. she looked forward to this day, the day he'd arrive. she slipped her pretty red dress on, and those sleek black shoes she loved. her face , fragile and young, glowed warmth.
they went to dinner. her shoes tapped the wood floor. they swinged danced through the night.

humbleness

Sometimes it's embarrassing to talk to You
To hold a conversation with the only
One who sees right through
This version of myself
I try to hide behind
I'll bury my face
because my disgrace
will leave me terrified

And sometimes
I'm so thankful for
Your loyalty
Your love regardless of the mistakes I make will spoil me
My confidence is, in a sense,
a gift You've given me
And I'm satisfied to realize
You're all I'll ever need

-- relient k (i am understood?)


humbleness i need. a humble heart. you know what a pathetic piece of worthlessness i am? i am a tiny grain of sand in an eternal galaxy. i make mistakes at a rate faster tahn the speed of light. yet...... ah i'm covered in great mercy.

someone posed a very interesting question to me the other day (namely Kelly Rowe).. she asked, "if you advance spiritually, and you know it, have you relaly advanced? or is it that you really haven't because then you're losing your humbleness by thinking you've advanced..."
and it was sorta a good question. my answer was... it is advancing, you're recognizing the work God is doing in you. the problem is when we claim the work as our own.

have i been doing that?

in everything i do, in all my growth, even in my suffering, i want to acknowledge God.

you know-- i'm such a wimp. i'm weak, i'm dumb, and i err oh so much!... and if you think about it-- it's pretty the same for everyone. we're all full of weaknesses. taht's the beauty of it. we're all empty and worthless, and God, He's the one who fills and overflows. He's the life giver, the creator, the brian behind everything. if we do anything good, is through Him. He's the giver of strenght. :) and we should acknowledge Him through all our actions. :)

cold outside warm bed

i'm here
to meet with You
come and meet with me
I'm here
to find You
reveal Yourself to me....

randomness...

all righty... well I had a lovely trip to the park with Kelly. I had a lovely chat with Stephen... sadly enough... I haven't done ANY school work. and I need to get rolling with THAT... arg for procrastination...

i don't know who reads this or how many people. but i thought if she did, i'd let her know-- Theresa, I miss ya. I thought about you today, and I was like... man... i miss Theresa. haha.... no particular reason i guess....jsut melancholy maybe.

hey you notice how every time you get used to something, it changes? what am I tlaking about?... I started to get completely used to Conley, I knew most teachers, I could tell where all the classrooms where, I knew the drill.. what to do if this, what to do if that. you get used to your friends there. you get used to their company, you get used to the way they are. then, bam! you graduate, and you have to start ALL over again. and i really believe that's how life is in general. things change when you're getting accustomed... i guess it's like sleeping in a nice warm bed, and then you ahve to wake up to the cold winter morning. sure you're looking forward to going to school and doing art, and even some interactions with people, but your bed is so nice and comfy and soft and warm and you're like... arg! can't the world just come to me?

sadly the answer is no.

so you wake up, and you get out of the bed, cold and complaining. but then, you're fine. it's lovely and sunny. :)

where is the love?

ok... blogs are PUBLIC! if you don't want me to read it, don't make it PUBLIC! that's my theory.... if you had a sucky day, tell me about it instead of getting mad at me for something entirely stupid and pointless. if it's so personal, don't publish it and advertise it! i'm glad you're taking a nap... sleep should calm the storms.

man i was having such a good day too... i was feeling pretty, i was smiling at Jesus. i was thankful for my job, thankful for school, thankful for everything.... and you come in yelling at me......


anyhow.... like i said, it was a lovely day... i worked, and it was just lovely. i keep wanting to live an alternate life, one full of suspense and intrigue, but quite honestly.... i don't think i was made for such a life. i'm meant to live a little simple life. you know, get to work, chat with friends, love and allow people to love me. communication is so wonderful. it allows for expression and growth.... it allows for me to see what you see and for someone else to see what i see....


oh i was thinking the other day--
my favorite movies, they all end in death... you know-- Big Fish, Life is Beautiful... and i was like, wow, am I a depressing individual? so I analyzed it... no not at all.... these movies are lovely because death is the perfect ending (in these cases)... granted i wish no one pain, i have a better hope. how sad would existence be if i had no hope for a better and grander future. I'm all about carpe diem, but i'm also all about decisions and consequences. anyhow. in these movies, the main characters are promised a better land. April and i were talking about it yesterday, and it turns out that there's a thing in the Bible were it answers why do good people die? well... because God wanted to prevent these wonderful people from further suffering. it makes perfect sense to me. death is wonderful. it's a leap of faith, a moment in a pendulum, a ceasing breath, a skip of a heart beat, and you change into a different state of being... a new radiant one! what better ending!
:-D

some poetry... blah blah blah...

i wrote 2 poems, one is actually like 3 phrases put together, but i thought it was kinda cool..

your eyes
of clear water
morning dew
of a night soul
lovely
true
and i wait...
desert lilley
sprung of Heavenly touch
mystical
distant
and i wait...
subtle light
softly spoken
hopeful whisper
of a soul
and i wait....

______________________________

in the stillness
of a tree
silence spoken
in a leaf...
______________________________

yep....

well my day has been all right... i've been complaining of not enough drama, but really.... internally there's this whole drama going on, and i really don't need external drama, just something good and surprising to happen. then again, i can't be surprised if i'm expecting a surprise, right? tee hee... i'm silly... life is good, and i can't complain :) i shouldn't complain. :)

ha it's good to be reciprocated once in a while....

well have a lovely day y'all....

beautiful wedding

wow it's been a little more than a week since i wrote last! tells you how busy i've been....

well... let's see... first of all i have 10000 things to do and i feel like i won't have time to do all of them, problem is I HAVE to do them. oh well... i'll just have to cope with everything.

my weekend was stupendous. my cousin got married and she looked gorgeous. her dress was beautifully white and she radiated. she glowed. her veil had little tiny sparkles that shimmered, it seemed Heaven had sprinkled Holy dew upon her. the mass was just beautiful. yes-- i did cry. the priest spoke so wonderfully-- he just said she looked like a queen (which she did) and it was such a nice sermon. i think what activated my tears was when he said "... and as you look into the other person's eyes you see a bit of eternity...." *eyes water up* hahaha... then my cousin said her vows and her voice cracked and my cousin (her older sister) started crying, my mom started crying, and of course, i'd been crying a little while now.... oh we were a sad bunch! :-P ha, it was great. everything was beautiful and i dare say pretty close to perfect in my opinion.

then in the afterwards party, there was the dance. she hates the spotlight, so whenever they would dance she would look away (hahaha amazingly enough, i can relate... it's like, you don't want to do something so personal and intimate in front of bunches of people). he couldn't take his eyes off her.... he also glowed, he looked so happy.... i felt like that should be their moment, like i shouldn't be intruding. i felt like it was a crime against humanity to sit there, watching this couple in love dance as if for my own spectacle when they should dance with each other instead of in front of me. so i watched away. then i came back to it, curious.... her nose rested in his neck. and she looked so fragile, vulnerable... her face was hidden from the world, and he... he looked as though the world didn't exist. her fragility made him look stronger and weaker. her fragility was so wonderful though, she relied on him, and he relied on her. their shared fragility made them solid. so i smiled, and turned away, thoughtful....

as for now, photography graphic design, grocery shopping, breakfast, and picking up something from the mailbox all await....

Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening
by Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

sorry... felt like posting that poem.... i've felt like that a lot lately, like, oh it would be so lovely to stop here.... but i have promises to keep and miles to go before i sleep.... no further explanation to that poem besides that....

i went to take pictures today. it was beautiful. i went to the park in front of St. Peters and everything is so calm and still..... i know most people long for someone, they want someone to share every beautiful thing with. well... i must admit it would be nice to have that, but i did enjoy the time with myself. it's you and the trees. you and the silence. you and the camera. you and the squirrels. maybe i wasn't all by myself after all... haha... that's prolly what it is-- I feel so at peace with God that He allows my soul to be at peace. maybe that's all that a soul is looking form peace with God. So the world spins out of control, everything changes, everything is corrupt and defiled, but the soul, if at peace with God, can enjoy the silent song of the reverent trees. let the earth spin out control, gretaer hope gives peace and beauty is revealed where people thread....

maybe that's why i'm enjoying photography. it's like allowing people to see what you see. it's allowing people to try to see things a little differently so they can see the beauty too.


"Grace, she carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips between her fingertips
She carries a pearl in perfect condition
What once was hurt, what once was friction
What left a mark no longer stains
Because Grace makes beauty out of ugly things
Grace finds beauty in everything
Grace finds goodness in everything"
(Grace by U2)


hahah melancholy rocks some times....

God as an artist!

My dad and uncle leave today to go back to Guam yet with another company. I get to see Stephen this thursday. I get to go to Mexico next weekend. I get to be home alone with Miguel a week after that. then my mom will come back with my uncle, aunt, and grandma. It's a non-stop fluctuation of people! (my house is!) well i guess i ought to be happy about that....

as for my regular life-- well.... i've thought some things out yesterday. a girl's shirt def. spoke to me it said "2 Cor. 5: (something) we walk by faith and not by sight..." and i really needed that. i have faith that God's plan will be carried out, not because of the abilities of people, not because of my own desires, but because God has an infinite plan, eternal knowledge, undending love, a mysterious Spirit, and perfect timing. I have to trust and believe in that. That's my reason for living. I have no reason to believe God will not carry out His plan. He's always been faithful, and He always will be, because that's His nature-- He's all goodness. How can i choose myself over Him? I can't. when i face Him my heart melts. I become putty. and He molds me into His image. Oh how beautifully everything works out! :) last night we sung out... and i mean this:
"Jesus You are my best friend
You will always be
and nothing will ever change that"

i understand i'm human, i mess up. but how can i say no to Him? He's my reason, my all in all. I'm me because of Him. Without Him i'd be some bitter hateful vengeful person. I really believe that. I read in the book of Wisdom something so beautiful:
Wisdom 13:1
For all men were by nature foolish who were in ignorance of God, and who from the good things seen did not succeed in knowing him who is, and from studying the works did not discern the artisan;

as an artist i can appreciate this statement. First of all, because well... comparing God to an artist makes me feel a little more important. then I thought how true it is! we see His works, and we don't stop to say-- I see Your hand in this. thank you. how blind are we? we see the beauty, we see little miracles happen, and we don't say "surey God is great! allelluia." why are we losing ourselves in what is visible when visible things are merely ephimeral and made of dust? it's like giving credit to the painting instead of the artist. like saying "waterlillies holds life" NO! wait-- waterlillies holds life because Monet is amazing and could make it resemble life. yet waterlillies does NOT hold life. we remember Monet. we study Monet. i mean, we study techniques and colors and everything in waterlillies, but we acknowledge waterlillies wasn't self-created. it's only a piece of canvas, and some paint. whether you like that painting or not doesn't matter, what matters is that Monet was a great artist and is known as such. is such with God-- He fills us with life, He blesses us and we just see the blessings and what is visible. But what about the awesome force that made it happen? what about the perfect artist who planned the perfect composition with all elements of art? You see this-- even as comparing God to an artist we need to remember God is bigger than any artist-- His artwork is perfectly pleasing. perfection is not from this earth, and so it's hard to think about it.
anyhow... i gotta go do lots of things! among them photography, c.a., art history, and french and math. oh yeah.... and be thankful. :) God is wonderful.

:-/

the photography project went well-- but i have the worst allergies today. i am also a little annoyed because of it. grrr... allergies.... i have now a bunch of stressful projects too-- C.A. taz devil project due monday, prints due tuesday and thursday, bunches of stuff! they want to drive me crazy or what???? agr! anyhow! (hahaha read yesterday posts and see the irony...)

i'll be ok... i will be ok.... i know i know....



as for everything else-- it's everything else.......

give thanks to God!

give praise! give praise! (forever God is faithful! forever God is strong! forever He is with us... forever!)....

well.... i was complaining about the prints in photography today-- and then some girl was like you know--- i'm really glad i'm an art student. i see my friends and they're breaking their backs.... all this is about is having fun! and i am... and i was like... you know what-- you're right. and i do enjoy photography a lot. and i should be thankful for the gifts God has bestowed on me-- everything from my eyesight, to my skills, to the people He's sharing with me. ahhhhhhhhhhh truly blessed... everything i complain about is so immensely miniscule! :)

this week has flown by--- more like... darted by.... oh yeah...


this Saturday i get to see THE chic flick-- "The notebook" :) oh happiness! :-D

why?

so many why's
and quite honestly...
few answers

but here i stand
i don't need to understand You
to completely surrender...
Your love is more than sufficient for me
i need no proof

trembling...
yet
i have faith
for You are the faithful One
and quite honestly
there's no one like You

how can i understand the mysteries of the universe?
how can i understand infinity?
my mind , my spirit, my heart
they are as small
as You created them to be
and yet...
in Your glory
You allow me to stand in Your presence
You clothe me in Your light
You fill my spirit
and confusion ceases
for I do not understand
but I trust
You open my eyes
to You
and the world is dim
hazy
and what i see in You
is the Truth
beautiful
majestic
fulfilling
whole
my rationality falls short
and i contemplate Your glory
and my heart rejoices in Your promises
and in You
whole
powerful
pure
good
King of Love
Lawyer of the Oppressed
Freer of my mind
Lifter of my Soul
my hope is You
my faith is You
a simple declaration
of what Was, Is, and Will be....

i struggle... but my God is my salvation, whom shall i fear? it's always good to know there's someone always with me, someone who can, has, and will overcome every single obstacle. not to say i won't ever fall.. but to say He won't let me go... He won't let you go... He is faithful.... I heard that so many times by Fernando, and today... it finally pierced my heart---- He is faithful.... loyal.... whatever He says, is true, is law and WILL be done.

stay still my heart.... stay in awe.... (there's that secret place of silence, where I meet with God.. I seek His face and He holds me and in peace we love....)

Wisdom

why pray for Wisdom? well...
among several things-- (Wisdom 8:3-6)

"She adds to nobility the splendor of companionship with God; even the LORD of all loved her. For she is instructress in the understanding of God, the selector of His works. And if riches be a desirable possession in life, what is more rich than Wisdom, who produces all things? And if prudence renders service, who in the world is a better craftsman than she?"

(if you want to read further reasons why to pray for Wisdom, or are interested in great literature, read-- http://www.usccb.org/nab/bible/wisdom/wisdom8.htm then you can follow with the Bible's prayer for Wisdom:
http://www.usccb.org/nab/bible/wisdom/wisdom9.htm

oh how beautiful is Wisdom! :-D

oh-- i found this quote, and it's sticking in my heart--

"Love has a hem to her garment
That reaches the very dust
It sweeps the stains
From the streets and lanes,
And because it can, it must."

made me smile! :-D

"Take me away" by Lifehouse:

Don't give up on me yet
Don't forget who I amI know
I'm not there yet
But don't let me stay here alone
This time all I want is you
There is no one else
Who can take your place
This time you burned me with Your eyes
You see past all the lies
You take it all away
I've seen it all and it's never enough
It keeps leaving me needing You
Take me away
Take me away
I've got nothing left to say
Just take me away

lifehouse rocks my socks! :-P

as for my life-- well i've been procrastinating... yesterday i took a nap and cleaned my room a litte bit. then i decided to write a letter to A.J. (from Holy Family) and it took me forever (I wanted to put a Bible quote but instead read the whole chapter on Wisdom... and then decided not to put a Bible quote)... then Shannon came around 9:30 or 10... so we watched "Catch me if you can" and then to sleep-- i should have studied for History or designed something for C.A., or done French, studied for Math... but nope! just bummed, which means this weekend i have to catch up. and study for 10,000 things! lol... no complaints-- i like my classes (for the most part)...

now i have to go get read for school! :-D YAY! school is great! much much better than my old lousy job! :-P (that's why i'm studying-- so I won't be stuck with my old lousy job!)

jolly good day to you!