I know I blog very sporadically, so thank you, faithful reader(s?) for reading me once again.
So I was making my rounds through lolcat tabs, and saw
this picture, which made me all fuzzy with reminiscing. You say, what on earth does it make you remember? Well, there was a time in High School when I thought it was my God-given plan to convert people and be as extreme for God as I could. (It really is as scary as it sounds). I didn't want to be mediocre. God no, if God gave out forehead sticker stars, hell, I wanted one. Greedy high schooler Hannia didn't just want one, I'll take all of them, if you give them God.
Granted, I am not saying is bad to want to please God. But goodness gracious, I remember having a conversation with my friend Theresa, and I think I got her a little scared. I remember she told me "You know, it's not like God has favorites" and this really pierced at my ego (I mean, really, the audactity to tell me what was in fact, very true!) so I snapped back with some extremist statement like "If I have to drop all my friends for the sake of following God, I will!" (I'm sure God was like, you leave me out of your stupid ego quarrels, I am not a destroyer of friendships, you!)
Looking back at all of this, I have great shame (oh, like that's a foreign feeling to me... in fact, I had a whole session with a therapist about my shame/ guilt because I have ass loads of it, I think I have enough shame and guilt to spare the world of any). But I digress, extremism. I know I have tendencies towards it, maybe we all do? I mean, if you like chocolate why would you stop at one piece when you can have the whole family sized bag? Oh yeah. The stomach ache. That's right, there is a reason not to eat the whole bag.
If life is like a bag of chocolates, then the trick is not swallowing the bag whole. I don't know, I really want to rant about giving other ideas a chance, about keeping an open mind and being flexible to change. In my personal experience, that openness is what got me through college, and what makes me feel like a better human being today. I no longer feel the burden to change people's minds about God, or that it is my duty. I no longer feel a pressure to be perfect, to get the golden star(s?) in the forehead. Now I feel the joy of doing my best for others and having as happy a life as I can, because I'm pretty sure that's the reason Christ asked God to pass the cup away from Him, the reason why He wept when Lazarus died. It's not so much that He doesn't know what's going on, or that He doesn't know how good Heaven will be, but this life, it is precious and underrated. Yes, there are toils, suffering, and all, but we must be some kind of lovable creatures for Christ to weep when we weep and for Him to ask for "5 more minutes, Dad, please?" And if the Creator of all things, the Omniscient being has that deep connection to us, that absolute surrender for our sake, then I think I should live my life happily, without so much guilt, in full knowledge that there is a love beyond my understanding that will forgive my flaws and shortcomings.
The reason why I say all of this is because I feel like this freedom is what allows me to give things a chance. The truth will be the truth whether I defend it or not, so I should have no regrets about asking questions and certainly never about loving. I don't have to convince anyone of my ideals, the truth will sooner or later (hopefully sooner!) triumph, and yes, I want to be part of it, but no, I don't want to stop loving you as a person because your ideas are different than mine. I don't want to contradict myself because I want to keep face. I don't want to have to be exhausted because I didn't do enough today. And most importantly, I want to be able to be wrong and realize it, change if I need to, and continue a happy guilt-free life.
