reasons for school stress

hm..
stressed out would seem an understatement.

BUT i shouldn't complain. i am healthy, i have 2 arms, legs, eyes.... i'm healthy. my family's healthty. my friends are healthy (at least physically, though i might argue some are very sick spiritually... which tolls high on my stress... :( ) and through it all..............
FAITH.

why? why have faith? because i have no reason to doubt God's faithfulness. in my mom's dream she saw me with 2 kids and my career was a graphic designer. (if you've never heard about my mom's dream do ask me) i've never questioned my career choice as much as this past week, and i just think-- heck, i rather be stressed about art than something else. sure, i feel like i'm the weakest designer, i feel like the loser-- but that will only show me to be humble and give glory to God when i do become better. maybe it's all a tough painful process and then through that effort i become a great designer. maybe i'm being taught to put exorbitant amounts of effort into my work. maybe this trial is meant to test my endurance, make me stronger and more disciplined. maybe it's all about not stressing and just having faith that all of my effort will reap efforts through God instead of my own strenght....

yeah, maybe that's it.

Zombie

have you guys heard this song?
Zombie by the Cranberries--

But you see, it's not me, it's not my family.

In your head, in your head they are fighting,

With their tanks and their bombs,

And their bombs and their guns.

In your head, in your head, they are crying...



In your head, in your head,

Zombie, zombie, zombie,

Hey, hey, hey. What's in your head,

In your head,

Zombie, zombie, zombie?



Another mother's breakin'

Heart is taking over.

When the vi'lence causes silence,

We must be mistaken. 

(i love it). it's about taking responsibility, and not blaming the other party for a conflict. i also think it's crying out to those indifferent to the bloodshed. arggg it to indifference! if it's not my business, whose business is it????

Sex (episode 3-- finality!)

ok, so in a quick wrap up:
1. wanting sex is not bad, God gave you that want
2. having sex comes with clauses though
clause 1-- your body makes a promise
clause 2-- are you willing to keep that promise? take in any given consequences of your actions?

ok, so in this episode:
so you say yes. i'm wiling and capable of having a child. i am willing and capable of keeping my promise to my sexual partner. ok. great. now, if you are willing for that commitment, thick or thin, i am and will be with you, why not marry? marriage is simply stating that you will in fact keep those promises. ok, here go the buts:

we both know we're in it for mere pleasure. (trying to say "my body can't make a promise if i tell the person whatever my body does is not true"{or relatively true, which might as well not be true AT ALL}) i say to you-- how have you defiled your body into mere physicality when it was created to be mind, body, spirit in one at all times? when you deny the spirit, you're denying your own humanity, you're denying that there is in fact a difference between you and a monkey. you're defiling yourself! :(

i have so much more to say, but i'll end here for now.

*THE END* (though with bunches of sequels, this subject is to talked about!)

SEX (episode 2)

so in summary of our last episode:
I want sex, but it's ok bc i was designed that way. the truth of the matter is that sex has clauses and i stipulated clause 1 was your body makes a promise....

so in this new episode:

so your body makes a promise. are you willing to keep that promise?

Clause #2--- so your body makes a promise. it says, i love you so much i'm willing to be united with you completely. your mind and your emotions might not match up, but your body is saying that. so, if you're making a promise, are you willing to keep it? are you willing to put yourself through anything to keep that promise? that's where marriage comes in. marriage= commitment.
so you're married, you have made that promise spiritually, mentally, and the third step is physically. you're willing to accept all the consequences of sex (such as a child)... see, sex is not sex for the sake of sex, but it's so much more. it has spiritual, mental, psychological implications. before all of that, you need to be prepared for all of it. ALL of it.

tune in for episode 3!

sex (episode 1)

ladies and gentlemen! Hannia will speak about the S-E-X word! (oh my!)
ok. no really. i will speak about sex.
what about it?

i really want it. i look forward to it. i do! and i'm not ashamed to say it, and neither should you. you were created by God with the gift of sexuality. embrace it:

Genesis 1:27-28
God created man in his image; in the divine image he created him; male and female he created them.
God blessed them, saying: "Be fertile and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it. Have dominion over the fish of the sea, the birds of the air, and all the living things that move on the earth."

God said to have sex. (:-0) (oh my gosh! no she's not!) lol. (there are some people called to celibacy, but for most of us...) however, as much as i would like to have sex, as great as it sounds, as much as my body was created for it, i know there are some "clauses" to it….

CLAUSE #1

Quoting a movie you shouldn’t watch, but makes a good point here---(Vanilla Sky)
Julie: Don't you know that when you sleep with someone, your body makes a promise whether you do or not?

Ah yes! Your bodies get united into one. Beautiful, yes! Oh so very beautiful. In fact, I can’t think of anything more beautiful (except for God) at the moment. and maybe a newborn child. That’s pretty beautiful. Anyhow! SEX—it makes a promise. It’s a sort of marriage with the other person through physicality. What do I mean? EASY! Imagine I smile at you. Whether I want it or not, I’m telling you that either I’m happy, that I like you, that I feel sympathy for you…. If I smile, I’m telling you something, whether I want to or not. You’d be surprised if I smile at you, you come up to me smiling too, and then I just yell at you “I hate you! I hope you die!” right? I mean, unless I’m kidding, but the smile was a physicality expressing something. If it didn’t express anything, then it was a lie, wasn’t it? Merely a completely shallow gesture. I don’t like fake smiles, they make me sick, I rather someone have a frown at me if they’re upset than them fake a smile at me. i don’t need pity.

tune in for episode 2... next time, at this same blog!

ironic

i woke up yesterday singing this:

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face

It's a traffic jam when you're already late
It's a no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic... don't you think ?
A little too ironic... and yeah I really do think...
(chorus about ironies, blah blah blah)

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out

(ironic by alanis morissette)

i don't really like her, but i love that last phrase--- life has a funny way of helping you out. i don't think life has any power at all, not anymore than death. but Life does. well, more like the Life-Giver. He has a funny funny way of helping people out. and people seem to disregard all those beautiful little ironies and focus on the bad ones.

like................ the randomest person becomes your best friend. or my beautiful Atheistic Agnostic Catholic boyfriend.... oh wait! he's not an irony, he's PK...! i get my English terms confused! (sorry Mr.Dove!;) lol. more good ironies? being involved in two different ministries that would appear to fight each other, when in fact, they have the same heart. ummmm more? being friends with your junior english teacher. more? being friends with all sorts of people that would seem unlikely, but we all have the same heart. more? being kissed every time i say that unspeakable word of terror (ahhh!) more? my bestest friend ever is a Jew who gave His life for you and me. more? being dirty and being loved anyway. being stinky and being loved anyway. being completely flawed, broken, and all-- and being loved anyway. love covers a multitude of sins. :) love makes me happy. i don't know anyone who says love makes them sad, and if they do, is because they don't understand love really. love that fills your soul and is completely independent of outside situations, of circumstances, of anxieties, worries, tragedies... an unconditional love that doesn't only satisfy, but it overflows and starts pouring the people around by merely being around.
wonder why you love me so much? haha..... it's because the way i love you is not my own.

beautifully ironic, that what you like about me is not myself. :)

(and if you do not like me, that was my own)

Hope, faith, and love

i wonder-- have you ever received that e-mail that says something about God uses very flawed people? among other things--

Virgin Mary was a teen (when she conceived)
Peter was a coward
Paul persecuted Christians (viciously)
Jacob was a liar
Moses stuttered
yet they're all great leaders in the Bible.

and the list goes on and on and on. truly, we are humans. we fall misereably. oh so miserably. i have no one confession to make, but i feel like there's an overall discouragement going around. i've felt it myself (no particular instance, just a bit down lately... maybe several things going on or at least in my mind)
i'm tired of sounding like the bad guy, and pointing fingers. i never mean to point fingers, but i always can tell what's not going on right, and it will ultimately hurt the person. i wish i was heard sometimes. :-/

but you know what? i'm tired of all of that--- so guess what-- i love you. i will always love you. fall, fail, hurt yourself. hurt the ones you love-- disregard them.... you're screwing up your own life (you're hurting not only yourself, but God who has an entirely great plan for your life you're blinding yourself to). i'm sorry that you are, and that's why it seemed like i was "pointing" when all i was trying to do was show you a better way. but you think you know better? fine. screw it all up, and when you come back--- here i am. arms wide open... i just love you. i really do.

God still will work through our brokedness. listen--- not beauty on the sin, but on our brokedness. when we break our own selves by separating ourselves from God, when we realize our weaknesses, when we realize our neediness, our unclealiness, God sees beauty in the big teary eyed child full of dirt, scabs, cuts, and scrapes because he sees the innocence that once was there and that He can restore. He sees who He created us to be and His plan for us. we're the apple of His eyes. i hope and pray you believe this or will come to believe this sometime soon, before you hurt yourself even further.

that said--

What a beautiful letdown
painfully uncool
the church of the drop outs, the losers,
the sinners, the failures, and the fools.
What a beautiful letdown
are we salt in the wound?
Let us sing one true tune.

(switchfoot, beautiful letdown)

yeah. God will use us despite our brokedness-- and through our brokedness His glory will shine brighter. :)

Hope and faith and love. but above all of these--- love.

power of a humble prayer

hiya people!

well in my Bible I finalized reading this really great old testament book: TOBIT. it's SUCH a cool book! it talks about God listening to our prayers and angels watching and praying for us. it describes angel Raphael a little more in depth (and he's soooo very cool you have no idea!) ah lovely book!
you know how in Job he starts feeling sorry for himself and questions God as to why he has to endure such pain? in Tobit something interesting happens-- Tobit also endures great pain (he is persecuted and he goes blind) but instead of looking at God and insulting His ways, he prays as follows:

"You are righteous, O Lord, and all your deeds are just; All your ways are mercy and truth; you are the judge of the world.

And now, O Lord, may you be mindful of me, and look with favor upon me. Punish me not for my sins, nor for my inadvertent offenses, nor for those of my fathers. "They sinned against you,

and disobeyed your commandments. So you handed us over to plundering, exile, and death, till we were an object lesson, a byword, a reproach in all the nations among whom you scattered us.

"Yes, your judgments are many and true in dealing with me as my sins and those of my fathers deserve. For we have not kept your commandments, nor have we trodden the paths of truth before you.

¹ "So now, deal with me as you please, and command my life breath to be taken from me, that I may go from the face of the earth into dust. It is better for me to die than to live, because I have heard insulting calumnies, and I am overwhelmed with grief. "Lord, command me to be delivered from such anguish; let me go to the everlasting abode; Lord, refuse me not. For it is better for me to die than to endure so much misery in life, and to hear these insults!"

and if you keep going, God hears his humble prayers and sends an angel to fix everything up.

my point?

the power of a humble prayer. Tobit did not do as Job in wanting to be as wise as God(or understand God's ways). Tobit accepted his lack of understanding due to his human nature and accepted the plan God had in store through faith.

may you accept God's plan for you through faith, may you find peace in Him. :)

i'm so flawed

and i started contemplating-- do i have it easier than other people? i mean sure, i haven't lost a parent, sibling, or extremely close friend. i am healthy, i'm studying what i like.

my life is pretty easy.... or so it seems...
i'm not gonna say my life is extremely complex, or hard, but it's not as easy as some might make it to be.

i hated myself for it.

why can't i share in the suffering? why can't i too say-- i've been throught it, and you can't throw *that on my face. *(you don't know how it feels... )

and then i remembered back in the day when everyone else was stable except for me, i had to move and live behind most of what i knew. and yeah, it felt bad, and i felt completely MISUNDERSTOOD, i felt bad no one could relate to my experiences. i felt like i didn't connect with anyone else in this planet, because in this planet there is no one who is exactly like me. no one who thinks, feels, and has the same circumstances as me. and i felt so alone, so alienated.

one day i realized that all of it was true--- no human being could ever fully understand me. and i felt cheated, vulnerable, lonely.

through that i learned that God understands me. He created my mind, emotions, and He understands circumstances. He understands why i do the things i do, and why other people do the things they do. i stopped trying to understand people too--- sometimes it hurts me the way they do things--- but i hurt people too, and most of the time, i don't mean to. in fact, i don't think i've ever intentionally tried to hurt someone before.

ok.. so where am i going?

you're right. you ARE misunderstood, but be at peace. there is someone who understands you, and it just happens to be one who loves you unconditionally.

also, be at peace-- we all fail at times in our relationships. i can say i failed at building one with Mason because of a comment i said. i realize that i'm really "funny" when it comes to things-- i expect people to forgive me but i'm not good at forgiving . (working on it though)... i mean, ok, honestly-- i can overlook minor details, but once you hurt me deep, it's hard for me to see you as the individual i once liked. NOT true with all cases, but with most, i would say.... :( so here is my heart on my sleeve-- i fail. i am not perfect, and although i try hard with relationships, i make mistakes... not just that, but i also have a hard time forgiving sometimes...

i hope my heart can be full of God and can teach me to forgive. some times forgiveness comes easier than at other times.... but i hope i will reach a point where i see people from God's point of view instead of mine. I really hope and pray to see people as He does, that i might learn to fully love... i want to be a clear mirror of Him. may He dwell in me, and I in Him. may it be the same with you...

lighting candles

oh i'll re-write a really meaningful story to me (from I kissed dating goodbye , by Joshua Harris):

Shortly after the fiasco with the service station, E.V. came home one night and found the house dark. When he opened the door, he saw that Jane had prepareda candlelight dinner for two.
"What meaneth thou this?" he said with his characteristic humor.
"Well," said Jane, "we're going to eat by candlelight tonight."
E.V. thought that was a great idea and went into the bathroom to wash his hands. He tried unsuccessfully to turn on the light. Then he felt into the bathroom and flipped another switch. Darkness prevailed. The young pastor went back to the dining room and asked the electricity was off. She began to cry.
"You work so hard,and we're trying," said Jane, "but it's pretty rough. I didn't have quite enough money to pay the light bill. I didn't want you to know about it, so I thought we would just eat by candlelight."
Dr. Hill described his wife's words with intense emotion: "She could have said, ' I've never been in this situation before. I was reared in the home of Dr.Caruthers, and we never had our lights cut off.' She could have broken my spirit; she could have ruined me; she could have demoralized me. But instead she said, "Somehow or another we'll get these lights on. But let's eat tonight by candlelight."
......... I'm looking for someone who will light candles, not jsut curse the darkness.


I want to light candles. I want to be a "partner in crime"... i want my life to radiate God, i want God to dwell within me, and I want to dwell within God in an obvious way. People forget that sometimes, the source of things is more important than the "things" themselves, and in this case is so. God is the source for light, may people soften their hearts and see Him more clearly. :)

thankful for a sting

sadness is sometimes good.... there's beauty in a sting in the heart...

think of a vaccination. it stings, but prevents bunches of diseases. no one ever stops to thank God for pain, but i do today. thank you that i have such a blessing that it hurts. and knowing my pain is only ephemeral compared to the blessing Stephen is for me, then, i'm joyful in my suffering. he left, my mom and Miguel left (to go somewhere), and in the silence i could hear my heart ache. it wasn't like a deep cut, it was just this little sting, and i looked up at God and said-- "You know, i don't want to cry.... i know it's in Your plan." and He responded (gently and lovingly), "if it hurts, you can cry, I'm here for you." so i cried a little, because it stings a little. but i found comfort in Him and knowing He understood perfectly.

i love God.

the hunger site

through matt lilley's personal website i found the hunger site. I really like all the products they offer and i figured you can help me feed the world. :) by the way, it's a great place to shop! ;)

unconditional love

i told someone i loved them unconditionally today (namely ashley heath...) lol... and he posed a very interesting idea. he said there was not such thing as unconditional love from a person. i said i don't hold unconditional love from my own sake, that i'm merely a vessel of God's own love, a reflection, and he said that since i am a reflection i cannot be unconditional. human love will always be conditional....

and it made me think of that song:

spirit-- cry for this generation
we’re chasing the wind trying to embrace it
open our eyes to all the lies that we try to justify when deep down inside
all we want to find is someone that loves us all of the time and it’s You
(Paul Wright, "you're beautiful")

it's true, i don't love at all times. i get angry and frustrated, and God who has perfect patience waits for me. He is willing to wait for people their whole lives, i can't say that for myself. God has all the time in eternity in His hands, so waiting for us our whole lives really isn't that much. I wish we could open our eyes to that unconditional love, adn i hope i can get as close to that unconditional love as i can. i hope i can be the purest reflection of that love.... maybe that's a reason why we also need purity--- clear water reflects the sun (or "the SON") much easier than nasty green water. and God determines who is pure, He can see and pierce all the unimaginable depths of a soul.... the soul.... what a beautiful creation. unpenetrable, only by God. it's like this secret chamber... yet, it is only the most perfect chamber made, and we try to hide and correct it when we should let the master decorate and show it off at His own will.... after all, we're only peasants with tacky taste, and He--- well.... He's only the creator of the whole universe.... the master, the King of Kings, Lord of Lords, the alpha and omega..... He has better taste than anyone ever and He can show off the perfection of His well designed completely purposeful practical yet elegant chamber. the chamber of our souls. yet, He keeps it mostly to himself, this beautiful chamber is also made for privacy and His own pleasure. I hope i can bring Him more pleasure.... I hope He likes to dwell in me, as much as I like to dwell in Him. well i prolly like to dwell in Him more than Him on me, i mean, i'm a thoughtless empty purposeless chamber without Him....

letting go

so i'm having this personal issue... i have to learn to let go.

of what?

oh so many things! my dad for one. he works far away and so he comes and he leaves so often. that's become a little easier with time, in fact, i could prolly even say i'm used to it.for another, my past. i seem to want to cling to the way things used to be. mostly friends. i miss my friends and the way they used to be. i miss their laughter and their stories and that feeling of protection when you feel vulnerable. i miss high school. i miss the caring teachers and the class clowns and the completely irrelevant stories teachers sometimes told. i miss having a teacher for a full year, or a class for a full year for that matter. granted bad teachers were a pain in the butt to have for a whole year, the good teachers were so much worth having a bad teacher for a whole year. and quite honestly, i can only think of one teacher who was unbearable, so the trade works out fine. anyhow! letting go of grudges. i've prayed this for about... ummm... a little while now. the grudge is not gone. but on Monday, God spoke to me, and apparently i have to go back to each of the painful instances, forgive her for it and believe that Christ's blood is enough to cover that.... it'd be oh so much easier if i knew the person was sorry for hurting me, for giving me nightmares, for everything. but you know what? i can't control those factors, i can control my response to the hurt, not her actions or feelings, or pride or whatever. i fear seeing her. i fear the day we'll meet, but as Shanno said, i will only see her when it's time. the day i forgive her (truly and fully) that's the day i'll see her. in my mind, i'll tell her how much she hurt me, but that's because i haven't forgiven her yet, so when i forgive her i don't know what i'll say. i'm sure i won't be the happiest person in the world that day, but hopefully i won't be brought down either.
what else to let go? hmmmm... past mistakes, fears, anxiety. what else? present mistakes, fears, anxiety. what else? a boyfriend going off to college. ouch. don't get me wrong, i'm proud he goes to college and that he's as smart as he is, i'm happy he's building a better future, i'm happy that he will get fed (mentally) i'm happy he's independent and that he will see ducks and a roommate again. i'm happy he'll see his college acquaintances. i'm glad he gets his pillow back. i hope he'll get really cool teachers that will provide not only secular education but hopefully also valuable life lessons. all that said, i'll start my little selfish ramble-- is not that i don't want him to go, in my mind i understand that it's what's best, and i'd have it no other way. i know we'll be ok, we're good at communication via e-mail, aim, and sometimes even telephone. i know distance is actually prolly even a plus in our relationship (refines it, puts it through a fire of constant hardship that makes us grow a little closer) but it's like waking up.... it's like that morning feeling of "my bed is so warm, nice, comfy, why must i get up?" now once you get up, you have a lovely day, but that initial feeling.... that same feeling i have right now. i know i'll be ok, i know he'll be ok too. but must he really leave? can't he stay? no. ok. well, i thought maybe i could hit the snooze, but we all know you must not be late to school or work or whatever. it's fine, it's a lovely day outside, the sunshine hits my eyes with it's warm light, yes, i'm waking up. yes, my comfortability will be sacrificed, but a productive day awaits. *stretch, yawn, and grumble a little, for the comfortability lost....*