hehe uses for a scanner...
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Memoirs: Italy
the next part we toured was Italy.
i was inwardly jumping with excitement in the tour bus. i had my eyes wide open, trying to catch every little detail. the country side was just beautiful... it felt so melancholy and peaceful at the same time....
first we went to Geneva, were we had lunch. our tour guide recommended if we went to a port city to try dishes with seafood, so when time for lunch came, i ordered a sandwich with sea products... it read "Mayonnaise, lettuce, tuna, shrimp on toasted bread." I thought, what the heck, i'll give it a shot, even with the mayo. Never will any other sandwich taste the same. It was the most delicious sandwich I have ever had in my whole life.... and to think it was at a little cheap cafe in Geneva.... I have never liked mayonaise, but homemade mayonaise is a divine creation. Later we saw the port and the aquarium, although we didn't want to spend time at he aquarium. It was more fun watching people and their customs.
At nighttime we went to Venice. The streets there were extremely narrow, and so we momentarily blocked a street adn part of a sidewalk, were an old lady in a bicycle angrily mumbled what I suppose would be bad French, in Italian of course. Our hotel was old and sort of... umm... not the best thing in the world. But the water from the water faucet tasted incredible! Italian water is just unbelievable...
Venice the next day was incredible. At noon we got to ride a gondola. The tour paid for Italian champagne, called "Spumanti". We offered some to our gondoleer and musicians (who were riding in our gondola) but the accordeon player said it wasn't a good idea to drink and be under the sun at the same time. We laughed. He also said "Caldo? NO! Il inferno!" as he poured the stinky Venetian water in his hair.
we saw beautiful balconies with anti war propaganda and geraniums. gosh i love their geraniums....
i was inwardly jumping with excitement in the tour bus. i had my eyes wide open, trying to catch every little detail. the country side was just beautiful... it felt so melancholy and peaceful at the same time....
first we went to Geneva, were we had lunch. our tour guide recommended if we went to a port city to try dishes with seafood, so when time for lunch came, i ordered a sandwich with sea products... it read "Mayonnaise, lettuce, tuna, shrimp on toasted bread." I thought, what the heck, i'll give it a shot, even with the mayo. Never will any other sandwich taste the same. It was the most delicious sandwich I have ever had in my whole life.... and to think it was at a little cheap cafe in Geneva.... I have never liked mayonaise, but homemade mayonaise is a divine creation. Later we saw the port and the aquarium, although we didn't want to spend time at he aquarium. It was more fun watching people and their customs.
At nighttime we went to Venice. The streets there were extremely narrow, and so we momentarily blocked a street adn part of a sidewalk, were an old lady in a bicycle angrily mumbled what I suppose would be bad French, in Italian of course. Our hotel was old and sort of... umm... not the best thing in the world. But the water from the water faucet tasted incredible! Italian water is just unbelievable...
Venice the next day was incredible. At noon we got to ride a gondola. The tour paid for Italian champagne, called "Spumanti". We offered some to our gondoleer and musicians (who were riding in our gondola) but the accordeon player said it wasn't a good idea to drink and be under the sun at the same time. We laughed. He also said "Caldo? NO! Il inferno!" as he poured the stinky Venetian water in his hair.
we saw beautiful balconies with anti war propaganda and geraniums. gosh i love their geraniums....
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
God loves you and hasn't forsaken you
so here's a daisy i never gave. i've had it in my heart to give this beautiful daisy to a beautiful person who's going through some tough times. you might say, well why haven't you given it to this beautiful person???
you see, i love this person very much. but i'm not sure this person understands this. i'm not sure if this person understands i've never done anything to hurt them.
you see, it's very hard to manifest any type of love to a person who is hurt. sometimes that person's hurt doesn't allow them to see some things. sometimes it just seems at the time like your actions were hurtful when the only thing you had in mind was the best for everyone.
what to do in those instances? keep the daisy to yourself... keep it in your heart, wait for the person to get better and tell them in your prayers that you love them, and ask God to pour out His whole and healing love on that person.
I don't like lying. in fact, i hate lies. God is truth, and evil is lack of truth. lies hurt and they are unfair and they go against everything i believe and everything i want to be. i can't say everything i've ever said is complete truth, but i try my best not to be ever be deceptive... it's not in what i wish for my character. i want to love and i want to be compassionate and a good person. that's all i've ever wanted.
what's more important--- God loves you. He has everlasting merciful love. no matter what you do, or how you perceive yourself, He loves you with unending love. He doesn't make mistakes, only man makes mistakes, but He forgives us anyways. you know why? because when He sees us, He sees His own son or daughter in us. (wow).... He sees everything He created us to be. and He created us with a purpose and with love.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
post secret
from Post secret.... i found it very moving. sometimes i look at these postcards and wonder who writes them. I like to wonder what kind of secrets my friends have, and I can relate to some secrets up there myself....
pursuing
yesterday is a kid in the corner
yesterday is dead and over
this is your life
are you who you want to be?
this is your life
is everything you’ve dreamed it would be
when the world was younger
and you had everything to lose?
--Switchfoot, "This is your life"
I'm unhappy, so I'll do everything in my power to become the person I want to be. I realize outside circumstances are not in my power, I've dwelled in them too much, eh? So I'm letting go.
past is past, new has come.
Friday, July 29, 2005
Aug. 22, 2004
"I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else."
C.S. Lewis
anything beautiful or pure, anything worthy, He made it so. my love is imperfect for it's human love. I wish I could love like God, but I'm merely a vessel, i'm not the source. i'm humbled and grateful for it. I'm grateful for his unfailing, faithful, full love. I'm grateful for this life and the chances I have of seeing His love in other people's lives.
you will see and find this love... seek and you shall find. i'm excited to about the plans God has for you, and I know He loves you... find Him. find HIm in the silence, find His burning heart. He wants to overflow your cup too. when you find Him, perfect love will come. eternal and pure... peace be with you and blessing pour upon you. much love! muah! :-D
i found that in my blog. ha it's funny reading your own words a year later... i encouraged myself. it's weird, my own words encouraged me. they made me happy of who i am despite my depression and all.... who would've told me my very own words could cme back to me as a blessing?
i hope they bless you too.
and by the way---- i never burnt the picture, and the subject matter is an unlikely one...
C.S. Lewis
anything beautiful or pure, anything worthy, He made it so. my love is imperfect for it's human love. I wish I could love like God, but I'm merely a vessel, i'm not the source. i'm humbled and grateful for it. I'm grateful for his unfailing, faithful, full love. I'm grateful for this life and the chances I have of seeing His love in other people's lives.
you will see and find this love... seek and you shall find. i'm excited to about the plans God has for you, and I know He loves you... find Him. find HIm in the silence, find His burning heart. He wants to overflow your cup too. when you find Him, perfect love will come. eternal and pure... peace be with you and blessing pour upon you. much love! muah! :-D
i found that in my blog. ha it's funny reading your own words a year later... i encouraged myself. it's weird, my own words encouraged me. they made me happy of who i am despite my depression and all.... who would've told me my very own words could cme back to me as a blessing?
i hope they bless you too.
and by the way---- i never burnt the picture, and the subject matter is an unlikely one...
Did God Create Evil?
Did God Create Evil?
The university professor challenged his students with this question:
Did God create everything that exists? "
A student bravely replied "Yes, he did!"
"God created everything?" the professor asked.
"Yes sir," the student replied.
The professor answered, "If God created everything, then God created
evil since evil exists, and according to the principal that our works
define who we are, then God is evil."
The professor was quite pleased with himself and boasted to the
students that he had proven once more that the Christian faith was a
myth.
Another student raised his hand and said, "Can I ask you a question
professor?"
"Of course," replied the professor.
The student stood up and asked, "Professor does cold exist?"
The professor replied "Of course it exists. Have you never been
cold?"
The students snickered at the young man's question.
The young man replied, "In fact sir, cold does not exist. According
to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the
absence of heat. Everybody or object is susceptible to study when it has
or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or
transmit energy. Absolute zero (- 460 degrees F) is the total absence
of heat. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe
how we feel if we have no heat.
The student continued. "Professor, does darkness exist?"
The professor responded, "Of course it does."
The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir. Darkness does not
exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light
we can study, but not darkness. In fact we can use Newton's prism to
break white light into many colors and study the various
wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple
ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it.
How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount
of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness is a term used by man
to describe what happens when there is no light present."
Finally the young man asked the professor. "Sir, does evil exist?"
Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course as I have already
said. We see it every day. It is in the daily example of man's
inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence
everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but
evil."
To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist sir, or at least it
does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It
is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to
describe the absence of God.
God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man
does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold
that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there
is no light."
The professor sat down.
The young man's name --- Albert Einstein.
The university professor challenged his students with this question:
Did God create everything that exists? "
A student bravely replied "Yes, he did!"
"God created everything?" the professor asked.
"Yes sir," the student replied.
The professor answered, "If God created everything, then God created
evil since evil exists, and according to the principal that our works
define who we are, then God is evil."
The professor was quite pleased with himself and boasted to the
students that he had proven once more that the Christian faith was a
myth.
Another student raised his hand and said, "Can I ask you a question
professor?"
"Of course," replied the professor.
The student stood up and asked, "Professor does cold exist?"
The professor replied "Of course it exists. Have you never been
cold?"
The students snickered at the young man's question.
The young man replied, "In fact sir, cold does not exist. According
to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the
absence of heat. Everybody or object is susceptible to study when it has
or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or
transmit energy. Absolute zero (- 460 degrees F) is the total absence
of heat. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe
how we feel if we have no heat.
The student continued. "Professor, does darkness exist?"
The professor responded, "Of course it does."
The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir. Darkness does not
exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light
we can study, but not darkness. In fact we can use Newton's prism to
break white light into many colors and study the various
wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple
ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it.
How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount
of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness is a term used by man
to describe what happens when there is no light present."
Finally the young man asked the professor. "Sir, does evil exist?"
Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course as I have already
said. We see it every day. It is in the daily example of man's
inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence
everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but
evil."
To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist sir, or at least it
does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It
is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to
describe the absence of God.
God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man
does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold
that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there
is no light."
The professor sat down.
The young man's name --- Albert Einstein.
Friday, July 22, 2005
Saturday, July 02, 2005
Monday, May 30, 2005
let it all out
yet again another quote from Relient K:
And You said, "I know that this will hurt,
but if I don't break your heart, things will just get worse.
If the burden seems too much to bear,
remember...
The end will justify the pain it took to get us there."
whatever it takes for eternal joy with my greatest Love.... it's like a punishment by your parents, only to make you a better person. c'est tout. that your parents reprimand you doesn't mean they don't love you (on the contrary!) it's the same with God. HE loves you. you cna push it away, but He's still madly in love with you.
And You said, "I know that this will hurt,
but if I don't break your heart, things will just get worse.
If the burden seems too much to bear,
remember...
The end will justify the pain it took to get us there."
whatever it takes for eternal joy with my greatest Love.... it's like a punishment by your parents, only to make you a better person. c'est tout. that your parents reprimand you doesn't mean they don't love you (on the contrary!) it's the same with God. HE loves you. you cna push it away, but He's still madly in love with you.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
truth
and i’ve been housing all this doubt
and insecurity
and i’ve been locked inside that house
all the while You hold the key
and i’ve been dying to get out
and that might be the death of me
and even though there’s no way of knowing where to go
i promise i’m going
because i got to get out of here
i’m stuck inside this rut that i fell into by mistake
i got to get out of here
and i’m begging You
(i’m begging You)
i’m begging You to be my escape
i fought You for so long
i should have let You win
oh, how we regret those things we do
and all I was trying to do
was save my own skin...
oh, but so were You...
so were You
-- Be my escape, Relient K...
i love the very end phrase--- all i was trying to do was save my own skin, but so were You....
people get so confused. they think God is judgemental, they think God is against them. they close themselves, they think that their guilt is how God feels about them.
don't you see? God has never stopped loving you, and He never ever will.
people get so confused, they think hell is God saying I don't want you anymore. God never says that! He's constantly after our hearts, trying to fulfill us, trying to give us perfect love (i shall emphasize-- PERFECT LOVE)... He sacrificed everything He had for us, because He wants us soooo badly. He's madly in love with you, can't you see? think about it, is there anyone you want so badly you would give up absolutely everything for? well God did that for you. He wants you mroe tahn you want anything else....
so what is hell?
hell is our choosing to stay away. think of it in human terms... think of God as a person. ok, so God is chasing after you, He leaves you notes, He leaves you messages in your answering machine. He e-mails you, He puts notes on your locker, front door, car.... He's chasing after you deperately, He loves you that much. He desires you like no one else ever will. and you can respond in two ways:
you can fall in love with Him... you can see how much He wants you, and how happy He makes you... you can admit to yourself, God fulfills me... or at least say, hey He pursues me so much i will give Him a try. I want to know about this abundant perfect love He says He has for me.
OR
you can say.... i don't want you. i want so and so. or not right now, i have homework. or you can be apathetic. eh... God? not so hot. Billy's hotter. but you'll be left with this empty pain inside, and you'll try to fill it with ther things. and the more you avoid God, the more you avoid what He has in store for you, the darker you become. that's hell.... your choice of separating yourself from God. it's not God saying i don't want you, it's you saying i don't want God. i don't want to love. i don't want to know about goodness....
Jesus doesn't provide a magic happy bubble. i think some people perceive me as insanely optimistic, as insane and unrealistic. that's ok. you can perceive me any way yuo want to. truth is, God is still chasing you, and no matter if i say it or not, no matter if i want to or not, it's the truth. I will not deny what is truth.... sure, the world hurts, sure there's chaos, there's mass destruction, but that's not from God. God is pure goodness.... even more than nutella! even more than your favorite music, or rain, or the beach.
thought i might tell you the truth.
and insecurity
and i’ve been locked inside that house
all the while You hold the key
and i’ve been dying to get out
and that might be the death of me
and even though there’s no way of knowing where to go
i promise i’m going
because i got to get out of here
i’m stuck inside this rut that i fell into by mistake
i got to get out of here
and i’m begging You
(i’m begging You)
i’m begging You to be my escape
i fought You for so long
i should have let You win
oh, how we regret those things we do
and all I was trying to do
was save my own skin...
oh, but so were You...
so were You
-- Be my escape, Relient K...
i love the very end phrase--- all i was trying to do was save my own skin, but so were You....
people get so confused. they think God is judgemental, they think God is against them. they close themselves, they think that their guilt is how God feels about them.
don't you see? God has never stopped loving you, and He never ever will.
people get so confused, they think hell is God saying I don't want you anymore. God never says that! He's constantly after our hearts, trying to fulfill us, trying to give us perfect love (i shall emphasize-- PERFECT LOVE)... He sacrificed everything He had for us, because He wants us soooo badly. He's madly in love with you, can't you see? think about it, is there anyone you want so badly you would give up absolutely everything for? well God did that for you. He wants you mroe tahn you want anything else....
so what is hell?
hell is our choosing to stay away. think of it in human terms... think of God as a person. ok, so God is chasing after you, He leaves you notes, He leaves you messages in your answering machine. He e-mails you, He puts notes on your locker, front door, car.... He's chasing after you deperately, He loves you that much. He desires you like no one else ever will. and you can respond in two ways:
you can fall in love with Him... you can see how much He wants you, and how happy He makes you... you can admit to yourself, God fulfills me... or at least say, hey He pursues me so much i will give Him a try. I want to know about this abundant perfect love He says He has for me.
OR
you can say.... i don't want you. i want so and so. or not right now, i have homework. or you can be apathetic. eh... God? not so hot. Billy's hotter. but you'll be left with this empty pain inside, and you'll try to fill it with ther things. and the more you avoid God, the more you avoid what He has in store for you, the darker you become. that's hell.... your choice of separating yourself from God. it's not God saying i don't want you, it's you saying i don't want God. i don't want to love. i don't want to know about goodness....
Jesus doesn't provide a magic happy bubble. i think some people perceive me as insanely optimistic, as insane and unrealistic. that's ok. you can perceive me any way yuo want to. truth is, God is still chasing you, and no matter if i say it or not, no matter if i want to or not, it's the truth. I will not deny what is truth.... sure, the world hurts, sure there's chaos, there's mass destruction, but that's not from God. God is pure goodness.... even more than nutella! even more than your favorite music, or rain, or the beach.
thought i might tell you the truth.
Friday, May 06, 2005
strength
a sad song softly sings in my heart
i simply feel it’s gentle sting
facing reality was never so cruel before
i faced myself first,
then one by one,
my failures and tries…
the introspection
found me
on the floor,
defeated
my soul saw
so much
sadness
loss
famine
starvation….
i whispered my prayer,
scarred and scared…
silent tears cried out to God…
shaking, fearful, unworthy, and human…
face to face with Omniscience
i know nothing
face to face with Omnipotence
i can do nothing
nothing at all….
impotence?
frustration?
no…
human misery
glorifies Worthiness...
circumstances,
instances out of my hand
will unravel magnificently
circumstances,
instances out of my hand
need not be procured by my mind
but by faith
will unravel magnificently
sadness
loss
famine
starvation
are passer by’s….
unwanted visitors
with tainted scruples
yet strengthening my walk…
darkness may cover my eyes
may try to cover my spirit
but never my heart…
i simply feel it’s gentle sting
facing reality was never so cruel before
i faced myself first,
then one by one,
my failures and tries…
the introspection
found me
on the floor,
defeated
my soul saw
so much
sadness
loss
famine
starvation….
i whispered my prayer,
scarred and scared…
silent tears cried out to God…
shaking, fearful, unworthy, and human…
face to face with Omniscience
i know nothing
face to face with Omnipotence
i can do nothing
nothing at all….
impotence?
frustration?
no…
human misery
glorifies Worthiness...
circumstances,
instances out of my hand
will unravel magnificently
circumstances,
instances out of my hand
need not be procured by my mind
but by faith
will unravel magnificently
sadness
loss
famine
starvation
are passer by’s….
unwanted visitors
with tainted scruples
yet strengthening my walk…
darkness may cover my eyes
may try to cover my spirit
but never my heart…
Sunday, May 01, 2005
Water
so i stand still
close my eyes
hold my breath…
and the water pours
rushing
raging
flooding quickly this empty place
this futile empty temple
made of cold marble and old dust….
my feet are planted
my arms are stiff
my eyes, scared,
look,
grasp for
a safe and dry place
but the water rushes in…
everything turns
spins
crashes
water takes control of me
my legs shake
my eyes cry,
silently and violently
like the water flooding in…
my feet are floating
my arms swing madly
my eyes are shut…
anxious, i await some tragedy
some drowned fantasy
some desperate end
the water
rages
crashes
spins
rushes
turns
the water
violently thrusts
aggressively presses
passionately plunges
and i…
i cease the insane fight
i let go
and the Water carries me
to a place of safe haven
a place of dry land…
where doves have found
their olive branch…
close my eyes
hold my breath…
and the water pours
rushing
raging
flooding quickly this empty place
this futile empty temple
made of cold marble and old dust….
my feet are planted
my arms are stiff
my eyes, scared,
look,
grasp for
a safe and dry place
but the water rushes in…
everything turns
spins
crashes
water takes control of me
my legs shake
my eyes cry,
silently and violently
like the water flooding in…
my feet are floating
my arms swing madly
my eyes are shut…
anxious, i await some tragedy
some drowned fantasy
some desperate end
the water
rages
crashes
spins
rushes
turns
the water
violently thrusts
aggressively presses
passionately plunges
and i…
i cease the insane fight
i let go
and the Water carries me
to a place of safe haven
a place of dry land…
where doves have found
their olive branch…
dignity and humbleness
i'm not the best-- i am mediocre, but God loves me anyways. i have been feeling like i'm not the best representative of Christ... and I'm sure I haven't been, but God never expected perfection from me, He expected surrender, and that's what i'm doing. I can't deal with all of this on my own, and i'm not supposed to. I never was supposed to. that's where the difference lies... i am weak and fragile, but God is strong and sturdy for me. I don't have to be....
I praise God because He has been faithful in all instances, because He never ever left my side (even when i couldn't feel Him) I praise God for all the good He will carry out, through me, through you, through His angels and saints. I praise God for His holiness--- His endless goodness and mercy are overflowing, and He has infinite mercy on those who ask. I asked. (you should too!) :-D
i am unworthy. i am mediocre. i am dust in the wind. and i'm glad i realized all of that. one can't be humbled enough.... (i lift You high and bow down low, how high can You be? how low can i go? You must increase, i must decrease Lord, i'll bow down, and You will be adored!)
plus, it's not over. what ghandi admired about Jesus is that He would fall down, they struck Him and humiliated Him, and He would rise up, He didn't give in. He did so with an odd mix of humbleness and dignity. He knew His worth in the Father's eyes--- He didn't need to prove Himself before men. He could have said--- Father--- strike them down! look how they insult their King!!! but instead He took the blows, the strikes, the insults. He took them out of humbleness, but with dignity.... how odd.... and wonderful. dignity? yes dignity. He never felt the need to bow to the "powers of the earth"... He knew His worth. I hope and pray you know your worth in God's eyes and not your own. in my eyes i'm scum, but God sees so much more, and i rather trust Him--- He's my salvation....
I praise God because He has been faithful in all instances, because He never ever left my side (even when i couldn't feel Him) I praise God for all the good He will carry out, through me, through you, through His angels and saints. I praise God for His holiness--- His endless goodness and mercy are overflowing, and He has infinite mercy on those who ask. I asked. (you should too!) :-D
i am unworthy. i am mediocre. i am dust in the wind. and i'm glad i realized all of that. one can't be humbled enough.... (i lift You high and bow down low, how high can You be? how low can i go? You must increase, i must decrease Lord, i'll bow down, and You will be adored!)
plus, it's not over. what ghandi admired about Jesus is that He would fall down, they struck Him and humiliated Him, and He would rise up, He didn't give in. He did so with an odd mix of humbleness and dignity. He knew His worth in the Father's eyes--- He didn't need to prove Himself before men. He could have said--- Father--- strike them down! look how they insult their King!!! but instead He took the blows, the strikes, the insults. He took them out of humbleness, but with dignity.... how odd.... and wonderful. dignity? yes dignity. He never felt the need to bow to the "powers of the earth"... He knew His worth. I hope and pray you know your worth in God's eyes and not your own. in my eyes i'm scum, but God sees so much more, and i rather trust Him--- He's my salvation....
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
confession
it's official--- i didn't make it in.
and i started thinking---
i've never been the best at anything. nope. not the best at school. not the best of friends. not the best of students. not the best at art. not the best at being nice. not the prettiest, not the kindest. not the happiest. not the most outspoken. not the shyest. not the best Christian, not the best sister. not the best daughter. not the best girlfriend. not the best human. not the best at writing. not the best at talking. not the best at being polite. not the best at doing my work. not the best at socializing. not the best at making people smile.
i'm just not the best. i'm mediocre, i'm your average person. can't say i'm the best at anything. i'm not memorable, not special. i tried... but never too hard.... that's what makes me mediocre....
i am a human and i cared so much for people.... i can say i've cared.... so much that it hurts the depths of my soul.... so much, that i neglected other things....
i'm unorganized, i have horrible crafsmanship.... i am self-centered, i seek praise. i like sympathy (although i don't expect comments.... this is not my pity me talk...), i like to be held... i'm fragile. so fragile.
i admit it... i'm the worst of them all.
and the random song lyrics in my head----
"the beautiful thing about the desert, is it that it has water in its interior" it's not over, it's on....
and i started thinking---
i've never been the best at anything. nope. not the best at school. not the best of friends. not the best of students. not the best at art. not the best at being nice. not the prettiest, not the kindest. not the happiest. not the most outspoken. not the shyest. not the best Christian, not the best sister. not the best daughter. not the best girlfriend. not the best human. not the best at writing. not the best at talking. not the best at being polite. not the best at doing my work. not the best at socializing. not the best at making people smile.
i'm just not the best. i'm mediocre, i'm your average person. can't say i'm the best at anything. i'm not memorable, not special. i tried... but never too hard.... that's what makes me mediocre....
i am a human and i cared so much for people.... i can say i've cared.... so much that it hurts the depths of my soul.... so much, that i neglected other things....
i'm unorganized, i have horrible crafsmanship.... i am self-centered, i seek praise. i like sympathy (although i don't expect comments.... this is not my pity me talk...), i like to be held... i'm fragile. so fragile.
i admit it... i'm the worst of them all.
and the random song lyrics in my head----
"the beautiful thing about the desert, is it that it has water in its interior" it's not over, it's on....
Friday, April 22, 2005
Monday, April 18, 2005
i still love you
everyone ought to read They Cage the Animals at Night by Jennings Michael Burch. it's about how frail we are as humans, and how even though we're vulnerable we should still allow people to love us and we should love people despite the hurt. it's just a great book overall....
i heard one of my friends confess to me it's hard for her to allow people to love her, she feels so unworthy. i didn't quite understand that feeling until recently, when someone pointed out to me i wasn't allowing God to love me, (and it's true, He says i love you, and i pull away, saying, but i'm not worthy...)
truth is, no one is, He just loves us anyway.
and me... i still love you. yes, you. no, i'm not talking just to Stephen (though i do love him)... but you.... i do happen to know who my audience is, you know....
i heard one of my friends confess to me it's hard for her to allow people to love her, she feels so unworthy. i didn't quite understand that feeling until recently, when someone pointed out to me i wasn't allowing God to love me, (and it's true, He says i love you, and i pull away, saying, but i'm not worthy...)
truth is, no one is, He just loves us anyway.
and me... i still love you. yes, you. no, i'm not talking just to Stephen (though i do love him)... but you.... i do happen to know who my audience is, you know....
Thursday, April 14, 2005
eh....
have you ever wondered whether something you lived was truth or fiction?
does it matter?
i'm dealing with several things at once... among them, my portfolio is due in 10 days and an hour and i don't feel like doing anything... :-/
and i don't mean i'm feeling lazy, i mean i'm mentally exhausted and dry of ideas...... :(
does it matter?
i'm dealing with several things at once... among them, my portfolio is due in 10 days and an hour and i don't feel like doing anything... :-/
and i don't mean i'm feeling lazy, i mean i'm mentally exhausted and dry of ideas...... :(
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Biography
i had to write a "brief" biography for my website (coming soon!) so i figured since i wrote it, i might as well copy paste it. :) here it goes:
I was born in a little town in central Mexico called Guanajuato, Guanajuato. I used to fall asleep to Vivaldi’s Four Seasons, and I have been told I never ever cried, not even after a whole day of not eating. However, I did not grow up in quiet peaceful Guanajuato. I call Monterrey, Nuevo Leon my hometown. Ever since I can remember until the age of 11, I lived in a live city full of family, colors, and people. Happy childhood and carefree memories endure from Monterrey. Then we moved into a horrible, detestable, despicable town called Cd. Juarez, Chihuahua. The only thing that saves this town from being the closest thing to hell on earth in my mind would be two angels put in my path—Pamela Barrera and Señora Soledad Silva. Aside from that, absolute barbarism would be my fondest memory from that place. After living there for about a year and a half we moved to Madison, Wisconsin for a period of about 8 months. To briefly describe that period in my life, I shall say it was peaceful and equally uneventful, and I cherish the memory of a wonderful science teacher we lovingly nicknamed Dr. Slo (Mr.Slominsky was his real name). My eight grade year we came here, to the town everyone lovingly nicknames G-vegas. Hmmm… what to say about it? I have nothing but great memories of A.G. Cox Middle School and D.H. Conley High School (although now the memories are put to trial as to whether most are merely a figment of a wild imagination) but I can’t complain, many people don’t even have imagination to be happy about. I do hold close to my heart several wonderful people--- April Barnett, my closest friend. We have known each other since I arrived to Greenville and clicked instantaneously. Her friendship is one of my richest treasures. Theresa Rutchka, whose close friendship has encouraged me in many occasions. We have endured some tough times and we have endured many many many happy times. Kelly Rowe, my fantastic friend, the best story teller I know (who can accomplish not to tell a tall tale in the process!) And now (*drum roll*) the most unlikely, but one of my favorite—Stephen Kintz. Yes we went to the same high school, yes, we had classes together, but the chances of us going out were equal to the chances of planet Jupiter turning into a huge stick of mozzarella cheese. We come from opposite backgrounds, ideologies, and even music likes. Turns out, God has a bigger plan and the unlikely happened--- Jupiter turned into a big piece of cheese! Ha! NOT! Stephen possesses a greater soul than ideologies, cultures, music styles, or backgrounds. We have been together since December 18th, 2004. We have endured more little complications in our relationship than I’ve had in my whole life. And we’ve successfully made it through.
To recap my life briefly, for you, my lazy readers--- I’ve moved a lot, made a bunch of good friends, lost touch with many of them too, and discovered many things in the process. I try my best to be a good Christian, friend, daughter, student, sister, girlfriend, leader, and artist. I have failed miserably many times, but I can say I have tried.
I was born in a little town in central Mexico called Guanajuato, Guanajuato. I used to fall asleep to Vivaldi’s Four Seasons, and I have been told I never ever cried, not even after a whole day of not eating. However, I did not grow up in quiet peaceful Guanajuato. I call Monterrey, Nuevo Leon my hometown. Ever since I can remember until the age of 11, I lived in a live city full of family, colors, and people. Happy childhood and carefree memories endure from Monterrey. Then we moved into a horrible, detestable, despicable town called Cd. Juarez, Chihuahua. The only thing that saves this town from being the closest thing to hell on earth in my mind would be two angels put in my path—Pamela Barrera and Señora Soledad Silva. Aside from that, absolute barbarism would be my fondest memory from that place. After living there for about a year and a half we moved to Madison, Wisconsin for a period of about 8 months. To briefly describe that period in my life, I shall say it was peaceful and equally uneventful, and I cherish the memory of a wonderful science teacher we lovingly nicknamed Dr. Slo (Mr.Slominsky was his real name). My eight grade year we came here, to the town everyone lovingly nicknames G-vegas. Hmmm… what to say about it? I have nothing but great memories of A.G. Cox Middle School and D.H. Conley High School (although now the memories are put to trial as to whether most are merely a figment of a wild imagination) but I can’t complain, many people don’t even have imagination to be happy about. I do hold close to my heart several wonderful people--- April Barnett, my closest friend. We have known each other since I arrived to Greenville and clicked instantaneously. Her friendship is one of my richest treasures. Theresa Rutchka, whose close friendship has encouraged me in many occasions. We have endured some tough times and we have endured many many many happy times. Kelly Rowe, my fantastic friend, the best story teller I know (who can accomplish not to tell a tall tale in the process!) And now (*drum roll*) the most unlikely, but one of my favorite—Stephen Kintz. Yes we went to the same high school, yes, we had classes together, but the chances of us going out were equal to the chances of planet Jupiter turning into a huge stick of mozzarella cheese. We come from opposite backgrounds, ideologies, and even music likes. Turns out, God has a bigger plan and the unlikely happened--- Jupiter turned into a big piece of cheese! Ha! NOT! Stephen possesses a greater soul than ideologies, cultures, music styles, or backgrounds. We have been together since December 18th, 2004. We have endured more little complications in our relationship than I’ve had in my whole life. And we’ve successfully made it through.
To recap my life briefly, for you, my lazy readers--- I’ve moved a lot, made a bunch of good friends, lost touch with many of them too, and discovered many things in the process. I try my best to be a good Christian, friend, daughter, student, sister, girlfriend, leader, and artist. I have failed miserably many times, but I can say I have tried.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
random thought
the phenomena of projection always amazed me. you put on others the qualities that you feel about yourself. this happens unconsciously, but i think we all know to some degree that we're projecting ourselves, that it isn't the third party that is actually _____________, but it is a reflection of our own internal struggles.
if i called someone a liar, a fool, or a hater, then that's the way i actually feel about myself. how odd our conscience works....
if i called someone a liar, a fool, or a hater, then that's the way i actually feel about myself. how odd our conscience works....
Monday, April 11, 2005
lesson
tiramisu! flowers! thanks gorgeous! :-D it's so nice waking up in a lovely spring day to see those beauties ;) well at least one of them (the tiramisu is long gone....)
i've felt so crappy lately, and it shows in your face when you're not resting at night, when you feel your world shake and everything appears to be crumbling. or at least that's how you feel. (when your thoughts are so expensive to ever want to keep....) and you have 1000000 questions and there's absolutely no one to ask them to, (or there is but you can't hear His voice) and asking them really won't help out the situation... ya know? (in fact, it would create more chaos and stir the wrong sorts of things)
so all those questions show in your face in the shape of restlesness, worries, and silent unprovoked tears.
and what happens?
God doesn't forsake you. He sends just the right person at the right time. sure, everything old moves and changes and crumbles, but that doesn't mean new things won't arrive and pick you up and comfort you.
i always feared being alone, and this weekend proved to me that although it might not be the same people that in the past, God will send someone if you really need someone. it might be a stranger, or someone close that will grow closer, but God is faithful....
i've felt so crappy lately, and it shows in your face when you're not resting at night, when you feel your world shake and everything appears to be crumbling. or at least that's how you feel. (when your thoughts are so expensive to ever want to keep....) and you have 1000000 questions and there's absolutely no one to ask them to, (or there is but you can't hear His voice) and asking them really won't help out the situation... ya know? (in fact, it would create more chaos and stir the wrong sorts of things)
so all those questions show in your face in the shape of restlesness, worries, and silent unprovoked tears.
and what happens?
God doesn't forsake you. He sends just the right person at the right time. sure, everything old moves and changes and crumbles, but that doesn't mean new things won't arrive and pick you up and comfort you.
i always feared being alone, and this weekend proved to me that although it might not be the same people that in the past, God will send someone if you really need someone. it might be a stranger, or someone close that will grow closer, but God is faithful....
Friday, April 08, 2005
love
yay! blogger is letting me post again!! rock on! haha...
well let's see.. i've already written twice and my things got erased.... so i'll post about... oh and the other two posts that never got published because they're so secretive *insert spy face here*
well i'm gonna talk about my favorite thing in the whole wide world.... love.
when people hear love they here peaches and cream, warm fuzzies, bubbles and what not.... all corny girly lovey-dovey things.... and i suppose part of it is true, there is the warm fuzzies and all that stuff.... but really, love is more about other things...
love is about commitment. love is about i'll try my best not to hurt you even when i'm feeling like hurting you. i'm gonna stick to you even if you're sick, or annoying, or boring to me today. i'm gonna be here through the rough and easy, because you are valuable.
love is about sacrifice. i don't feel like giving up my time, but i will for you. i don't feel like cleaning up your mess, but you have no time to clean it up. i don't feel like talking, but i want you to know what's going on with me. i rather spend some time alone, or with this other friend, or watching tv, but instead, i'll listen to your problems. even if i can't do anything to help you out. i don't want you to be lonely.
love is more than emotion people! if you're waiting for emotions to stay for the rest of your life, you're screwed, emotions are as fickle as the weather. love is about something more, is about seeing a person's soul (or God's for that matter) and pouring yourself completely into that person, not expecting anything in return. (sure, good things come in return, but don't expect them and you'll be even more grateful).....
why do you need to love if it's so exhausting?
because it's what we were created to do. because God loved us first, He poured out all of Himself for us. you have the choice to love or live selfishly, but love, though harder (a LOT harder) will reap greater things than you ever expected. that's why love....
well let's see.. i've already written twice and my things got erased.... so i'll post about... oh and the other two posts that never got published because they're so secretive *insert spy face here*
well i'm gonna talk about my favorite thing in the whole wide world.... love.
when people hear love they here peaches and cream, warm fuzzies, bubbles and what not.... all corny girly lovey-dovey things.... and i suppose part of it is true, there is the warm fuzzies and all that stuff.... but really, love is more about other things...
love is about commitment. love is about i'll try my best not to hurt you even when i'm feeling like hurting you. i'm gonna stick to you even if you're sick, or annoying, or boring to me today. i'm gonna be here through the rough and easy, because you are valuable.
love is about sacrifice. i don't feel like giving up my time, but i will for you. i don't feel like cleaning up your mess, but you have no time to clean it up. i don't feel like talking, but i want you to know what's going on with me. i rather spend some time alone, or with this other friend, or watching tv, but instead, i'll listen to your problems. even if i can't do anything to help you out. i don't want you to be lonely.
love is more than emotion people! if you're waiting for emotions to stay for the rest of your life, you're screwed, emotions are as fickle as the weather. love is about something more, is about seeing a person's soul (or God's for that matter) and pouring yourself completely into that person, not expecting anything in return. (sure, good things come in return, but don't expect them and you'll be even more grateful).....
why do you need to love if it's so exhausting?
because it's what we were created to do. because God loved us first, He poured out all of Himself for us. you have the choice to love or live selfishly, but love, though harder (a LOT harder) will reap greater things than you ever expected. that's why love....
Sunday, April 03, 2005
from Hanan's blog:
also i told my friend that although i was going through some interesting things doesn't mean she has to compare her situations to mine. she is a warrior just like me. we are both fighting battles. different battles in the same war. that God knows what each of us can handle through Him. and that just because her dads not a muslim and she doesn't have a lil bro that has a disablity and her mom hasn't been in a 'special' unit in the hospital doesn't mean that she is not going through a hard time. she is allowed to hurt. we all are. we all have problems. not the same ones but yes issues we are going through. we are all warriors fighting different battles. just because your battle isn't the same battle im figthing doesn't mean im 'stronger' than you or your strong than me....urgh lost train of thought sorry....
now in my own words.... everybody hurts.... and i can't believe i've felt guilty about my blessings for so long....
what time is it?
time to move on and start fresh. time to be at peace.. time to grow up... time to pray. i've withheld from God... i've been stuck in my own muddy pain. time to let go. time to let go... time to graduate. i never really graduated, i always thought this was a long summer break, and we'd all come back and share how our summers went. then we'd have lunch and laugh and be a united group again.
time to graduate.
i should have listened the first time, but i guess this time it's for real. and my life holds so many adventures in its hands......
a thousand eyes
i don't know the purpose of this blog much anymore. i feel like there are a thousand eyes reading it, and all silently make judgement upon my every word. watching, hoping i'll fail.
only one that responds it's Stephen, as always by my side.... i suppose i don't expect any different. i never made any comments about anyone, not direct ones at least... maybe my audience expects that.
i'm sorry, it's not gonna happen. the purpose of this blog is to be public and for the edification of my brothers and sisters, whether through personal experience, sharing of information, or allowing you to know my emotional state. but never anything personal against anyone (although i will speak for people)...
there's too much negativity, i'm sick and tired of it, so i attempt to fight it with my optimism. it's the harder road, and no one is willing to bet any money on it, they think i'm being unrealistic and naive, but that's ok. you don't have to agree with me. i do as i think and i've never posed for anyone.... it's not in my nature to do so.... it's not all rainbows and butterflies, it's attitude towards life. it's "i believe in God, and i believe in good, and i believe in love." don't let the world tell you otherwise.
maybe it doesn't make sense to anyone but me. but hey, at least Stephen will respond.
only one that responds it's Stephen, as always by my side.... i suppose i don't expect any different. i never made any comments about anyone, not direct ones at least... maybe my audience expects that.
i'm sorry, it's not gonna happen. the purpose of this blog is to be public and for the edification of my brothers and sisters, whether through personal experience, sharing of information, or allowing you to know my emotional state. but never anything personal against anyone (although i will speak for people)...
there's too much negativity, i'm sick and tired of it, so i attempt to fight it with my optimism. it's the harder road, and no one is willing to bet any money on it, they think i'm being unrealistic and naive, but that's ok. you don't have to agree with me. i do as i think and i've never posed for anyone.... it's not in my nature to do so.... it's not all rainbows and butterflies, it's attitude towards life. it's "i believe in God, and i believe in good, and i believe in love." don't let the world tell you otherwise.
maybe it doesn't make sense to anyone but me. but hey, at least Stephen will respond.
Friday, April 01, 2005
mind's peace offering
someone really hurt me about a month and a half ago. i realize what they did was out of anger, but it just really really really really hurt.... and quite honestly, it still really hurts. i'm sick and tired (quite literally, even) of thinking and re-thinking about all sorts of questions, all sorts of things that wound my soul. tonight, i talked to Stephen about it, and i released a lot.... now it's time to let go and move on. i can't be stuck in the same old, i can't re-live my past, i can't wonder whether our friendship was true back then, or if there's any friendship left, and what not... because... it's irrelevant... i've clinged on to memories and i've clinged to things far gone... so here's my peace offering:
You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do
And it's breakin' my heart in two
Because I never wanna see you a sad girl
Don't be a bad girl
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child, girl
Baby, I love you
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware
--- cat stevens, wild wild world
yeah.... you're the person who comforted my sorrows, i was there to comfort you too (remember?... maybe i failed, but i did try). we had an amazing time together... i don't want to leave in a sad note... to me, you'll always be that child with the kind eyes and comforting sweet voice. always nice, always cheerful... you'll always be the person with whom i watched "life is beautiful" for the first time. and i bet we'll watch it 10,000 times and it'll still make us cry.
now i'll take all those good memories, store them in the trinket of my mind... remember you that way.... and if you thought you ever could need me, i'm still here for you. in my mind, you'll be the same kind eyed girl who's merely deeply hurt.... and you'll be healed, because God's grace covers you, and He hasn't forsaken you and never ever ever will..... peace be with you.
You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do
And it's breakin' my heart in two
Because I never wanna see you a sad girl
Don't be a bad girl
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child, girl
Baby, I love you
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware
--- cat stevens, wild wild world
yeah.... you're the person who comforted my sorrows, i was there to comfort you too (remember?... maybe i failed, but i did try). we had an amazing time together... i don't want to leave in a sad note... to me, you'll always be that child with the kind eyes and comforting sweet voice. always nice, always cheerful... you'll always be the person with whom i watched "life is beautiful" for the first time. and i bet we'll watch it 10,000 times and it'll still make us cry.
now i'll take all those good memories, store them in the trinket of my mind... remember you that way.... and if you thought you ever could need me, i'm still here for you. in my mind, you'll be the same kind eyed girl who's merely deeply hurt.... and you'll be healed, because God's grace covers you, and He hasn't forsaken you and never ever ever will..... peace be with you.
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Memoirs: France
Sunny and beautiful, that was the south of France. Nice is indeed nice..... imagine blue and calm... that's what the mediterranean ocean looked like. imagine peace in your heart, slight excitement, finding something new at every turn. imagine bright yellows, greens, blues... and a town full of light, a special light, so special that painters choose that place to paint wild colors that imitate the radiance of southern France. night time fell softly, like a velvet mademoiselle, and the yellows slowy turned to cooler, though still brilliant, blues... Monaco. wealth and snobbery. you feel under dressed and judged, yet... beauty still holds true. the buildings have such detail, the flowers are so bright, the street lights in Monaco are adventourous. curious tourists and rich snobs stand side by side, awkward... but the setting allows you to forget who you are standing beside, to remember the beauty of a world so old, classic, and refined... beauty is not easy to deny.... next tour, the next day... Italy?
Monday, March 28, 2005
Memoirs: Spain (part II)
i feel a little lonely-- my family is gone to Ohio. on other news...
we explored Barcelona. never had i seen such beautiful works of art as buildings. Gaudi is indeed a genius! he had deep sensibility not only to a city scape, but able to express himself through a building! amazing! his deep beliefs, his perception of nature *sighs in deep emotion* a frozen ocean, a warrior saint, and an immense church, with meticulous sculptural detail.... then night falls, and we stroll around "las ramblas". first we got lost in an middle eastern neighborhood, but we found our way to the ramblas. a man stood still in the middle of the crowd, sunglasses on, in the middle of the commotion. i watched... was he asleep? waiting for something or someone? we walked closer and closer, and i watched him still.... until he jumped at us and scared the everything out of my whole family, only to end in joint laugher from everyone.... we made our way to the mediterranean ocean on a still summer night. perfect weather, and my dream of exploring my European roots coming true before my awed eyes.....
we explored Barcelona. never had i seen such beautiful works of art as buildings. Gaudi is indeed a genius! he had deep sensibility not only to a city scape, but able to express himself through a building! amazing! his deep beliefs, his perception of nature *sighs in deep emotion* a frozen ocean, a warrior saint, and an immense church, with meticulous sculptural detail.... then night falls, and we stroll around "las ramblas". first we got lost in an middle eastern neighborhood, but we found our way to the ramblas. a man stood still in the middle of the crowd, sunglasses on, in the middle of the commotion. i watched... was he asleep? waiting for something or someone? we walked closer and closer, and i watched him still.... until he jumped at us and scared the everything out of my whole family, only to end in joint laugher from everyone.... we made our way to the mediterranean ocean on a still summer night. perfect weather, and my dream of exploring my European roots coming true before my awed eyes.....
Sunday, March 27, 2005
alive
Col 3:1-2
If then you were raised with Christ, seek what is above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Think of what is above, not of what is on earth.
Second reading today at church..... made me think....
happy easter guys. i love you! :-D oh and peace in abundance through the knowledge of our victorious, triumphant, & risen Lord! (we will rise with him) :-D
If then you were raised with Christ, seek what is above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Think of what is above, not of what is on earth.
Second reading today at church..... made me think....
happy easter guys. i love you! :-D oh and peace in abundance through the knowledge of our victorious, triumphant, & risen Lord! (we will rise with him) :-D
Saturday, March 26, 2005
ATTENTION GIRLS
HEY GIRLS!!!!
if you would like to spend the night at my house on wednesday night, please let me know! call me, AIM me, or e-mail me. thus far the schedule looks like this:
Sunday---- Shannon
Monday--- Catherine
Tuesday--- Adrienne & Karissa?
Wednesday--- ???? (i leave at 7:20 on Thursday morning...)
Thursday--- Hanan (hopefully)
if you stay, i'll cook for you, and i'll play chic movies(if you'd like), and you get a master bedroom with your own bathroom!!! pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease! i'll even play French and Spanish music... i'll wash your clothes! wash your feet! kiss your cheek! pleeeeeeeeeeeease! you'll enjoy it! :-D ok... well... thanks for considering...
if you would like to spend the night at my house on wednesday night, please let me know! call me, AIM me, or e-mail me. thus far the schedule looks like this:
Sunday---- Shannon
Monday--- Catherine
Tuesday--- Adrienne & Karissa?
Wednesday--- ???? (i leave at 7:20 on Thursday morning...)
Thursday--- Hanan (hopefully)
if you stay, i'll cook for you, and i'll play chic movies(if you'd like), and you get a master bedroom with your own bathroom!!! pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease! i'll even play French and Spanish music... i'll wash your clothes! wash your feet! kiss your cheek! pleeeeeeeeeeeease! you'll enjoy it! :-D ok... well... thanks for considering...
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Memoirs: Spain
i was soooo tired... my mom kept trying to keep Miguel and I awake, but the jetlag was heavy on the eyelids... so we fell asleep despite my mom's warnings... she fell asleep after a while too. when we woke up we were so much fresher and i believe a bit hungry. so we had the traditional tapas... the ham was much much harder, and the bread too, the ham was saltier too. can't complain though, i was hungry. my fanta was fantabulous--- carbonated orange juice instead of some sintetic drink with a fluorescent radioactive color that makes me wonder what really is in there... it was a fair day, to me, more like spring time than a hot summer day, i even had a coat on for lack of knowledge of the weather. we sat in a bench and watched people go by as my dad went looking for an ATM... we must have looked strange, sitting there under the sun in our coats while Spaniards were having record high temperatures. yeah... we looked around the hotel a bit. i must admit i loved hearing their accents, it was like they were in a foreign land and i owned the place, and they were the odd balls instead of me. i was thrilled to be across the ocean, in a new continent, with people i heard were intellectuals, pacifists (in general), and extremely well read....
Monday, March 21, 2005
blue
y que me inventare para decirle al mundo entero si me ven tumbada al suelo y sin mas ganas de volar? como escondo este par de alas rotas y las suelas de mis botas cansadas de caminar? dime acaso adonde voy... ahora que no estas... dime acaso a donde vas, ahora que no estoy...si ya me han visto con la mirada perdida unas cuantas libras menos y unas lagrimas demas... (yo quiero que vuelvas, que te estan extrañando, mis labios que hace tiempo no besas, yo quiero que regreses, ya ves que hasta mis manos, de tanto no tocarte me duelen.... me duelen....) ----Shakira
yeah i know no one can understand that.... it's all right. just feelin' a bit blue... that's all. no biggie.
yeah i know no one can understand that.... it's all right. just feelin' a bit blue... that's all. no biggie.
Saturday, March 19, 2005
hannia
i've always wondered where my name was from.. so i'm researching it 'cause i still need a break.. (my back hurts a little) so here we go:
Gender: Girl
Origin: Hebrew, Arabic
Meaning: "A place to rest; to be happy."
Variants: Chania, Chaniya, Chaniyah, Chanya, Haniya, Haniyah, Hannia, Hanniah, Hanniya, Hanniyah, Hannya, Hannyah
(that meaning makes me happy...:)
oh my! i don't want to be a fish:
Life Pisces Actinopterygii Perciformes Teraponidae<>
yes... i am the scientific and common name for a type of fish: Hannia Vari or Hannia greenwayi... sad day in my existence...
Hannia Robledo was nominated for an Oscar on 2002 for decoration of the set for "Frida" (art direction).... wait not even that... she was supposed to be, but never was nominated... *shrugs..*
still searching... i hear my name is Ukranian...
there's an Hannia Bar in Costa Rica. :(
still no luck...
found it! ok.. Hannia is Hebrew, and it comes from Chanya--- and it should actually be pronounced with with a strong H as in the end of Bach. it means grace, gracious, or merciful. each hebrew letter has it's own significance, so letter "nun" (hebrew alphabet) means shine spout and spread in Hebrew and fish in aramaic... etc...
i can sleep happy now... i've found lots of new things about my name! :-D
Hania
Add to favorites for girls (0)Gender: Girl
Origin: Hebrew, Arabic
Meaning: "A place to rest; to be happy."
Variants: Chania, Chaniya, Chaniyah, Chanya, Haniya, Haniyah, Hannia, Hanniah, Hanniya, Hanniyah, Hannya, Hannyah
(that meaning makes me happy...:)
oh my! i don't want to be a fish:
Life Pisces Actinopterygii Perciformes Teraponidae<>yes... i am the scientific and common name for a type of fish: Hannia Vari or Hannia greenwayi... sad day in my existence...
Hannia Robledo was nominated for an Oscar on 2002 for decoration of the set for "Frida" (art direction).... wait not even that... she was supposed to be, but never was nominated... *shrugs..*
still searching... i hear my name is Ukranian...
there's an Hannia Bar in Costa Rica. :(
still no luck...
found it! ok.. Hannia is Hebrew, and it comes from Chanya--- and it should actually be pronounced with with a strong H as in the end of Bach. it means grace, gracious, or merciful. each hebrew letter has it's own significance, so letter "nun" (hebrew alphabet) means shine spout and spread in Hebrew and fish in aramaic... etc...
i can sleep happy now... i've found lots of new things about my name! :-D
rambles
running a household is not as easy as they tell you, especially not if you have school, work, and church to worry about too....
*whines*
it's not so bad, just stressed out with everything i was supposed to do and didn't do... :-/ oh well... i'll keep on working!
love ya peeps!
hannia: mom... was Rome as beautiful as you thought it would be?
mom: yes Hannia, even more beautiful than i thought....
Similarly, women should adorn themselves with proper conduct, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hairstyles and gold ornaments, or pearls, or expensive clothes, but rather, as befits women who profess reverence for God, with good deeds.
1 Tim 2:9-10
Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness - Chinese Proverb
Psalm 43:3 Send forth your light and your truth, let them guide me; let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where You dwell.
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure... In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
my graphic design project (in a nutshell:)
*whines*
it's not so bad, just stressed out with everything i was supposed to do and didn't do... :-/ oh well... i'll keep on working!
love ya peeps!
hannia: mom... was Rome as beautiful as you thought it would be?
mom: yes Hannia, even more beautiful than i thought....
Similarly, women should adorn themselves with proper conduct, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hairstyles and gold ornaments, or pearls, or expensive clothes, but rather, as befits women who profess reverence for God, with good deeds.
1 Tim 2:9-10
Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness - Chinese Proverb
Psalm 43:3 Send forth your light and your truth, let them guide me; let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where You dwell.
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure... In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
my graphic design project (in a nutshell:)
pure
1 Tim. 4:12
Let no one have contempt for your youth, but set an example for those who believe, in speech, conduct, love, faith, and purity.
Friday, March 18, 2005
because i'm bored
YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (NAME OF YOUR FAVOURITE SNACK FOOD + GRANDFATHERS FIRST NAME):
Santita Edelmiro
YOUR FASHION DESIGNER NAME: (WHAT YOU SEE ON YOUR LEFT + FAVOURITE RESTAURANT):
Yellow Ragazzi
SOCIALITE ALIAS: (Silliest Childhood Nickname + Town Where You First lived):
Nana Guanajuato
"GANGSTA RAPPER" ALIAS (a la 2Pac): (First Initial + First Two or Three Letters of your Last Name):
HAHAHAHAHA-- H.Be
ICON ALIAS: (Something Sweet Within Sight + Any Liquid in Kitchen):
Pink Peach juice
DETECTIVE ALIAS: (Favorite Baby Animal + Where You Went to High School):
Panda Conley
SOAP OPERA ALIAS: (Middle Name + Street Where You First Lived):
Claudia Varsovia (i like that! that's hot!)
ROCK STAR ALIAS: (Favorite Candy + Last Name Of Favorite Musician):
hmmmmmmm.... Creme Mebarak? (creme savers & shakira's last name) or Ferrero O'Riordan (Ferrero Rocher & Dolores O'Riordan... from the cranberries)... or or.... yeah i give up... i'm wasting time and space..... silly stuff....
beautiful song
a song (historia de un sueño) (story of a dream) by la oreja de van gogh (van gogh's ear) (translation by me, then original) : (my last will will be this song:)
"Story of a dream"
I'm sorry to come in without knocking
i know, it's not the time nor the place
i just had to tell you
it's not so bad in heaven
tomorrow you won't remember,
"it's only a dream," you'll repeat yourself
and as an answer you'll see a shooting star
and when i leave
my life here on earth will be at peace
i just wanted to say goodbye
to kiss you and see you one more time
promise me you'll be happy
you looked so beautiful when you smiled
and like that
just like that
i want to remember you
like that, like before
like that, go on
like that, my love, is better like that
now you have to rest
let me tuck you in like years ago
remember how i used to sing to you before sleeping?
they only let me come back
in your dreams to see you
and it's because that sad night i couldn't say good bye before parting
and when i leave
my life here on earth will be at peace
i just wanted to say goodbye
to kiss you and see you one more time
promise me you'll be happy
you looked so beautiful when you smiled
and like that
just like that
i want to remember you
like that, like before
like that, go on
like that, my love, is better like that
now it's your turn to finish our voyage
it's getting late,
i'll need to leave
in a couple of seconds you'll wake up....
...................................................................
"Historia de un sueño"
Perdona Que Entre Sin Llamar,
No Es Esta La Hora Y Menos El Lugar.
TenÃa Que Contarte Que En El Cielo No Se Está Tan Mal.
Mañana Ni Te Acordarás,
" Tan Sólo Fue Un Sueño," Te Repetirás.
Y En Forma De Respuesta Pasará Una Estrella Fugaz.
Y Cuando Me Marche Estará Mi Vida En La Tierra En Paz.
Yo Sólo QuerÃa Despedirme, Darte Un Beso Y Verte Una Vez Más...
Promete Que Serás Feliz,
Te PonÃas Tan Guapa Al ReÃr.
Y AsÃ, Sólo AsÃ,
Quiero Recordarte.
AsÃ, Como Antes,
AsÃ, Adelante,
AsÃ, Vida MÃa,
Mejor Será AsÃ.
Ahora Debes Descansar,
Deja Que Te Arrope Como Años Atrás.
¿ Te Acuerdas Cuando Entonces Te Cantaba Antes De Ir A Acostar?
Tan Sólo Me Dejan Venir
Dentro De Tus Sueños Para Verte A Ti.
Y Es Que Aquella Triste Noche No Te Di Ni Un Adios Al Partir.
Y Cuando Me Marche Estará Mi Vida En La Tierra En Paz.
Yo Sólo QuerÃa Despedirme, Darte Un Beso Y Verte Una Vez Más...
Promete Que Serás Feliz,
Te PonÃas Tan Guapa Al ReÃr.
Y AsÃ, Sólo AsÃ,
Quiero Recordarte.
AsÃ, Como Antes,
AsÃ, Adelante,
AsÃ, Vida MÃa,
Ahora Te Toca A Ti,
Sólo A Ti,
Seguir Nuestro Viaje.
Se Está Haciendo Tarde,
Tendré Que Marcharme.
En Unos Segundos Vas A Despertar...
Thursday, March 17, 2005
self-image
i had written a blog yesterday, but it got erased. i was talking about the cranberries and the lead singer, how she's a free-spirited Irish woman. and so i started thinking about the kind of woman i wanted to become when i was a girl... and so here are my three types of woman (hopefully, along with visuals):
a 5o's girl-- red suit, red lipstick, dark wavy hair, high heels. she's all around attractive, and her character is sorta like Snow White, but she has a strong character to get her through any hardships. i came up with this idea in my mind when i was around 5 years old. (picture from the chic of Pearl harbor... she's cute)
free-spirited girl-- she has short blonde hair, she wears light dresses with heavy combat boots, she is free, playful, and daring. she's impulsive and sensitive and creative. she will kiss the guy if she feels like it. (couldn't find a fitting picture... but if i find one, i shall post it!) (i came up with this image when i was around 8 to 10)
intellectual-- she constantly reads and reads and reads. knowledgeable, but not arrogant. she has a cause and will fight for it. she's extremely discrete and always dressed properly. she enjoys all that stimulates her mind--- Chopin, history, fine foods. she wears glasses, and her hair is not her priority but it always manages to look nice. (this is not so much about image, but about intellect) (i developed this idea when i was around 12)
and then, around... hmm... 11th grade, i developed yet another image i wanted to be like. this one wasn't about looks at all though, it was a about spirit.
sure, i wish i was brave and independent like the 50's chic. i wish i was playful and unique like the short haired blonde free-spirited chic. i wish i was more dedicated like the intellectual chic. but in the end.... the one that changed the world was the spiritual chic. not saying the others couldn't have, but they're just image models in my head. the spiritual exists, and she did change the world. she didn't have to put red lipstick, or wear beautiful flowy dresses that show her perfectly slender body, she didn't have to read all the books in the world. she jsut had to follow God's call and submit to His will.
a 5o's girl-- red suit, red lipstick, dark wavy hair, high heels. she's all around attractive, and her character is sorta like Snow White, but she has a strong character to get her through any hardships. i came up with this idea in my mind when i was around 5 years old. (picture from the chic of Pearl harbor... she's cute)
free-spirited girl-- she has short blonde hair, she wears light dresses with heavy combat boots, she is free, playful, and daring. she's impulsive and sensitive and creative. she will kiss the guy if she feels like it. (couldn't find a fitting picture... but if i find one, i shall post it!) (i came up with this image when i was around 8 to 10)
intellectual-- she constantly reads and reads and reads. knowledgeable, but not arrogant. she has a cause and will fight for it. she's extremely discrete and always dressed properly. she enjoys all that stimulates her mind--- Chopin, history, fine foods. she wears glasses, and her hair is not her priority but it always manages to look nice. (this is not so much about image, but about intellect) (i developed this idea when i was around 12)
and then, around... hmm... 11th grade, i developed yet another image i wanted to be like. this one wasn't about looks at all though, it was a about spirit.
sure, i wish i was brave and independent like the 50's chic. i wish i was playful and unique like the short haired blonde free-spirited chic. i wish i was more dedicated like the intellectual chic. but in the end.... the one that changed the world was the spiritual chic. not saying the others couldn't have, but they're just image models in my head. the spiritual exists, and she did change the world. she didn't have to put red lipstick, or wear beautiful flowy dresses that show her perfectly slender body, she didn't have to read all the books in the world. she jsut had to follow God's call and submit to His will.
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
wonderful quotes
some quotes by Mother Teresa:
I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love.
There are no great things, only small things with great love. Happy are those.
Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.
Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat. We must find each other.
If you are discouraged it is a sign of pride, because it shows you trust in your own powers. Never bother about other people's opinions. Be humble and you will never be disturbed. Remember St. Aloysius, who said he would continue to play billiards even if he knew he was going to die. Do you play well? Sleep well? Eat well? These are duties. Nothing is small for God.
I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love.
There are no great things, only small things with great love. Happy are those.
Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.
Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat. We must find each other.
If you are discouraged it is a sign of pride, because it shows you trust in your own powers. Never bother about other people's opinions. Be humble and you will never be disturbed. Remember St. Aloysius, who said he would continue to play billiards even if he knew he was going to die. Do you play well? Sleep well? Eat well? These are duties. Nothing is small for God.
my mom's story
my mom, on the phone with my dad:
"... so I entered the bathroom and saw some guys. i decided to stick around and find out why there were men in the women's bathroom, until i realized, hey! there's more than one man! i must be in the wrong bathroom. a guy turned around, but the others just kept on with 'their business'. that's when i turned around and left. i decided to go to the women's bathroom in the second floor because i was just too embarrassed....."
i love my mom (you should hear her tell it--- she's like, almost in tears while telling it...)
yes. now i understand where i get it from....
"... so I entered the bathroom and saw some guys. i decided to stick around and find out why there were men in the women's bathroom, until i realized, hey! there's more than one man! i must be in the wrong bathroom. a guy turned around, but the others just kept on with 'their business'. that's when i turned around and left. i decided to go to the women's bathroom in the second floor because i was just too embarrassed....."
i love my mom (you should hear her tell it--- she's like, almost in tears while telling it...)yes. now i understand where i get it from....
Monday, March 14, 2005
everybody's free (to wear sunscreen)
well, i burnt myself a CD, and i recalled this "song" and was amazed by how much wisdom it has hidden in it, and chose to bring it back to life ;).... enjoy, and live by it. it holds so much random truth!
everybody's free (to wear sunscreen)
Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering
experience…I will dispense this advice now.
everybody's free (to wear sunscreen)
Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering
experience…I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you
imagine.
Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you
Sing
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with
people who are reckless with yours.
Floss
Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes
you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with
yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don’t.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe
you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t
congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your
choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body,
use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people
think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever
own..
Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for
good.
Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live
in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
might run out.
Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will
look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
ugly parts and recycling it for more than
it’s worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen…
Sunday, March 13, 2005
discipline
so yesternight and tonight i've learned important things...
ok last night, i learned that the creativity is there, i just need to release it. oh and I got confirmation that Stephen's a Christian and he just doesn't know it yet. (yes! from someone else than Mr.Dove!) hehe... :-D anyhow... i also learned that i'm a human and i fail miserably but God has already won the war! yayness!
tonight, i was with Stephen, and i was just very impressed by the passion he showed for his new endeavor (he's starting a new online literary magazine with Katie).... and he's just so very excited and working so hard... and i felt a bit of shame, i have hardly any entrepeneur skills and i know i've lagged at my work (blush sad icon from aim) and i told Stephen i've had "artist's block" lately... and he made an interesting suggestion to discipline myself and set apart a time to do art...
i suck at discipline....
But it finally hit me, he's right. what sets apart mediocrity and excellence is discipline. i need discipline (BADLY!) and i'm glad someone was so nice as to open my eyes (in such a gentle way too!)
PLUS: i've been feeling overwhelmed... it's a vicious little cylce: feel overwhelemed, don't get work done.... more overwhelmed... and you know why?
prayer life. prayer life has been weak since i got sick. well, to be honest, it's been weak lately, just overall. so i decided, prayer life comes first. i need to set apart time for prayer. i know i've REALLY slacked, but today is the day i change.
*CHANGE*
prayer life back, passion restored, discipline set, work gets done. overwhelmed no more! :-D and i mean, i know it's ideal and i might fall, but that's why i'm gonna stop relying on my strength and start relying on God's. i can't do absolutely anything on my own. i'll fall apart the second i try, but through God's grace... :-D He is so infinite and powerful, it's good to know i can take shelter there. it's good to know my Daddy will let me crawl in His lap, and He'll just rub my hair and push me to go where i need to go... i know i hated being disciplined as a child, but i also know the outcome is a good one....
and i know discipline is "effective lazyness" (if you do things right on the first run, you don't have to worry about doing the second run).... :-P
all right, night peeps. love and peace in abundance through the knowledge and grace of Jesus.
ok last night, i learned that the creativity is there, i just need to release it. oh and I got confirmation that Stephen's a Christian and he just doesn't know it yet. (yes! from someone else than Mr.Dove!) hehe... :-D anyhow... i also learned that i'm a human and i fail miserably but God has already won the war! yayness!
tonight, i was with Stephen, and i was just very impressed by the passion he showed for his new endeavor (he's starting a new online literary magazine with Katie).... and he's just so very excited and working so hard... and i felt a bit of shame, i have hardly any entrepeneur skills and i know i've lagged at my work (blush sad icon from aim) and i told Stephen i've had "artist's block" lately... and he made an interesting suggestion to discipline myself and set apart a time to do art...
i suck at discipline....
But it finally hit me, he's right. what sets apart mediocrity and excellence is discipline. i need discipline (BADLY!) and i'm glad someone was so nice as to open my eyes (in such a gentle way too!)
PLUS: i've been feeling overwhelmed... it's a vicious little cylce: feel overwhelemed, don't get work done.... more overwhelmed... and you know why?
prayer life. prayer life has been weak since i got sick. well, to be honest, it's been weak lately, just overall. so i decided, prayer life comes first. i need to set apart time for prayer. i know i've REALLY slacked, but today is the day i change.
*CHANGE*
prayer life back, passion restored, discipline set, work gets done. overwhelmed no more! :-D and i mean, i know it's ideal and i might fall, but that's why i'm gonna stop relying on my strength and start relying on God's. i can't do absolutely anything on my own. i'll fall apart the second i try, but through God's grace... :-D He is so infinite and powerful, it's good to know i can take shelter there. it's good to know my Daddy will let me crawl in His lap, and He'll just rub my hair and push me to go where i need to go... i know i hated being disciplined as a child, but i also know the outcome is a good one....
and i know discipline is "effective lazyness" (if you do things right on the first run, you don't have to worry about doing the second run).... :-P
all right, night peeps. love and peace in abundance through the knowledge and grace of Jesus.
Thursday, March 10, 2005
funny
hmmmmmmmmm i want to post something funny.....
hmmm...
astronomy lab, telescope set up....
person 1: oh! that cluster! wooooooooow!
person 2: i can see the cluster, that's cool
person 3: that's a lousy little cluster... so stupid... i couldn't see anything....
person 4: yeah i can't see hardly anything
hannia: i couldnt see anything.... because i'm too short to reach the telescope :-(
ok... i failed. not funny.... i had another story....
brb... when i tihnk of something
hmmm...
astronomy lab, telescope set up....
person 1: oh! that cluster! wooooooooow!
person 2: i can see the cluster, that's cool
person 3: that's a lousy little cluster... so stupid... i couldn't see anything....
person 4: yeah i can't see hardly anything
hannia: i couldnt see anything.... because i'm too short to reach the telescope :-(
ok... i failed. not funny.... i had another story....
brb... when i tihnk of something
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
wow....
someone left a link to her blog from Stephen's blog... i just wanted to say--- i never meant to hurt you, and i hope everything goes well for you. don't give up.... oh if only you knew how important and awesome you are... all hard feelings (if any) are gone. i'm sorry things are the way they are. i love ya and i care about you. (they're not just words) good things are about to come, just wait and cheer up a bit. there's someone out there for you, promise! you are important, and i'm truly sorry if you feel like you are replacable, because you're not, and i'm glad you have enough self-worth to know that. i know you're mad crazy angry at me, but just know if that anger ever ceases... i'm here. i would love to be your friend. i mean it.
someone left a link to her blog from Stephen's blog... i just wanted to say--- i never meant to hurt you, and i hope everything goes well for you. don't give up.... oh if only you knew how important and awesome you are... all hard feelings (if any) are gone. i'm sorry things are the way they are. i love ya and i care about you. (they're not just words) good things are about to come, just wait and cheer up a bit. there's someone out there for you, promise! you are important, and i'm truly sorry if you feel like you are replacable, because you're not, and i'm glad you have enough self-worth to know that. i know you're mad crazy angry at me, but just know if that anger ever ceases... i'm here. i would love to be your friend. i mean it.
meet me
i figured i would ask myself some questions and post them online. so here they go:
What is your deepest fear?
failing. at what? everything. being a bad daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend. i fear not being good enough. i fear disappointing people.
What is your deepest hope?
that God will not forsake me.
Who are you and who do you want to be?
as of right now, i am far away from who i want to be. i have come a long way, but i have a long way to go... i am more mindful of others, but i'm too anxious about life. i need to chill out and get some peace. i need to pray more and stop making excuses for my own procrastination and stuff...
who am I? a child of God. human. flawed and virtuous too. who do i want to be? the spirit of Christ on earth.
What is your deepest regret?
hmmmm.... i don't really know. maybe not having taken a picture by the colisseum. maybe not taking enough pictures in Europe. maybe not having told some people i loved them before it was too late... :`(
What is your greatest accomplishment?
none yet. accomplishment is such a big word... i don't really think i'll really "achieve" anything in this life, i think everything is just a gift and should be appreciated as such.
Quote to live by?
hmmmmmmmm.... well since my AIM isn't working right (that's where my storage of quotes is), i shall say there's 2 i particularly like: "If you always tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" Mark Twain and " You are embraced by the mystery of God."-- St. Hildegarde de Bingen
why?
1. i believe in the truth. the truth ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS surfaces, whether you're a great liar or not. it might take time, but the truth always surfaces. no point in telling a lie. might take courage, but it's over with, instead of having to take the trouble of remembering the lie and the ones following to cover up the lie
2. because Sonny gave me a bookmark taht had that quote (and we all know Sonny is like freakin' AWESOME!) hehe... no but seriously-- we're so caugh up with wondering about the mystery of God part that we forget He's just embracing us. we can ponder upon the mystery, but let's not forget to feel the hug. :)
What is your deepest fear?
failing. at what? everything. being a bad daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend. i fear not being good enough. i fear disappointing people.
What is your deepest hope?
that God will not forsake me.
Who are you and who do you want to be?
as of right now, i am far away from who i want to be. i have come a long way, but i have a long way to go... i am more mindful of others, but i'm too anxious about life. i need to chill out and get some peace. i need to pray more and stop making excuses for my own procrastination and stuff...
who am I? a child of God. human. flawed and virtuous too. who do i want to be? the spirit of Christ on earth.
What is your deepest regret?
hmmmm.... i don't really know. maybe not having taken a picture by the colisseum. maybe not taking enough pictures in Europe. maybe not having told some people i loved them before it was too late... :`(
What is your greatest accomplishment?
none yet. accomplishment is such a big word... i don't really think i'll really "achieve" anything in this life, i think everything is just a gift and should be appreciated as such.
Quote to live by?
hmmmmmmmm.... well since my AIM isn't working right (that's where my storage of quotes is), i shall say there's 2 i particularly like: "If you always tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" Mark Twain and " You are embraced by the mystery of God."-- St. Hildegarde de Bingen
why?
1. i believe in the truth. the truth ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS surfaces, whether you're a great liar or not. it might take time, but the truth always surfaces. no point in telling a lie. might take courage, but it's over with, instead of having to take the trouble of remembering the lie and the ones following to cover up the lie
2. because Sonny gave me a bookmark taht had that quote (and we all know Sonny is like freakin' AWESOME!) hehe... no but seriously-- we're so caugh up with wondering about the mystery of God part that we forget He's just embracing us. we can ponder upon the mystery, but let's not forget to feel the hug. :)
Monday, March 07, 2005
grateful
today was a little hard-- i got bad grades in my C.A. class. then my professor said if we had gotten below a certain grade nto to bother submitting because it would be unacceptable. so i'm sitting there, trying not to cry on the spot, so i'm trying not to show how afflicted and anxious i am. she let's us out on break, and "coincidence"-- Beth and here mom were in the art building. not only was Beth's presence very comforting (i secretly look up to her) but her mom reminded me of God's faithulfness-- if God wants you to be a Graphic Designer, you will be, regardless of what professors say or don't. I went back in class with more peace,a dn my professor reminded me to just keep working hard (disclaimer: in no way do i hold my professor accountable for my lack of craftsmanship... i admit my errors and accept all constructive criticism)...
anyway, this was a praise, because God sent His 2 angels to me today, and I'm extremely grateful for them! :)
anyway, this was a praise, because God sent His 2 angels to me today, and I'm extremely grateful for them! :)
Sunday, March 06, 2005
kyros
i had a full day yesterday-- my mom left to Monterrey at 10ish AM, i attempted to cook my first alphabet soup, and decided soups might NOT be my forte... ( :( ) but it's ok. then, we tried looking for the book i lost... with no luck... then we went semi-grocery shopping, then came back to watch in america (yeah... it IS watch-it-twice good!)(in fact, by now, i've seen it 2 1/3 times) anyhow....
tears started choking my voice, and uncontrollable tears rolling down my face... and i was trying to explain... but how to explain a feeling so deep and inexplicable?
my mom woke up yesterday morning at 4 AM, she had a dream that i had died. she started crying, and i've only seen her cry more maybe once before. she said-- "you're just so good, and this flu hit you so hard..." she was scared it was my time to go back home... i went to sleep and i didn't cry but it did move me.... the next day all day i had death in my mind... what if i did die? and i saw my own funeral, people i love, crying and missing me. it wasn't my ego being boastful, it was God allowing me to see how much people actually loved me. love is a great, precious, and fragile gift, and when you get to see how much you are loved it's not for you to boast, but to be humbled. you never know what you have until you lose it they say. so i cried at my own funeral because i loved those people, and i didn't want to see them hurt.
so the tears started rolling off, uncontrollable. in a flash, i was ten years old, small, innocent, hopeful.... do you remember when you were ten? you wished for the best... you wished to be older, and bolder, and prettier, and more loved, more stable. you wished for a prince charming in his stallion. and i opened my eyes, and my sweet, hopeful 10 year old saw a beautiful man, one with a kind soul and full love, and caressed his face. and my 10 year old was so happy, everything i had hoped for was a reality, for me to touch his face. and i closed my eyes again. and i allowed myself to just feel the depth of the emotion... the spiritual becoming flesh... kyros...
tears started choking my voice, and uncontrollable tears rolling down my face... and i was trying to explain... but how to explain a feeling so deep and inexplicable?
my mom woke up yesterday morning at 4 AM, she had a dream that i had died. she started crying, and i've only seen her cry more maybe once before. she said-- "you're just so good, and this flu hit you so hard..." she was scared it was my time to go back home... i went to sleep and i didn't cry but it did move me.... the next day all day i had death in my mind... what if i did die? and i saw my own funeral, people i love, crying and missing me. it wasn't my ego being boastful, it was God allowing me to see how much people actually loved me. love is a great, precious, and fragile gift, and when you get to see how much you are loved it's not for you to boast, but to be humbled. you never know what you have until you lose it they say. so i cried at my own funeral because i loved those people, and i didn't want to see them hurt.
so the tears started rolling off, uncontrollable. in a flash, i was ten years old, small, innocent, hopeful.... do you remember when you were ten? you wished for the best... you wished to be older, and bolder, and prettier, and more loved, more stable. you wished for a prince charming in his stallion. and i opened my eyes, and my sweet, hopeful 10 year old saw a beautiful man, one with a kind soul and full love, and caressed his face. and my 10 year old was so happy, everything i had hoped for was a reality, for me to touch his face. and i closed my eyes again. and i allowed myself to just feel the depth of the emotion... the spiritual becoming flesh... kyros...
Friday, March 04, 2005
dream
among my delusions last night (as in past nights with fever) came a dream of wishful thinking....
i dreamed i received a phone call and things were like they were back then. i was cheerful to hear this person's voice, and this person was calm. i told this person "i never meant to hurt you! i promise!" and the person responded, reassuring, "i know. i know."(i can picture the person smiling faintly)... (which brought me a deep peace)... then I told the person to put themselves in my shoes in the same situation, and the person was like... "hmmm... i never really thought about it... i guess i see where you're coming from" and it was as though all the walls collapsed and things were back to good.
yeah so much for wishful thinking.... although, maybe one day... *looks up, hands clasped together, eyes shining*
mood: hopeful, but full of patience
i dreamed i received a phone call and things were like they were back then. i was cheerful to hear this person's voice, and this person was calm. i told this person "i never meant to hurt you! i promise!" and the person responded, reassuring, "i know. i know."(i can picture the person smiling faintly)... (which brought me a deep peace)... then I told the person to put themselves in my shoes in the same situation, and the person was like... "hmmm... i never really thought about it... i guess i see where you're coming from" and it was as though all the walls collapsed and things were back to good.
yeah so much for wishful thinking.... although, maybe one day... *looks up, hands clasped together, eyes shining*
mood: hopeful, but full of patience
Thursday, March 03, 2005
not a perfect person
have you guys heard that song: the reason?
"i'm not a perfect person... " blah blah blah....
anyway, it strikes me...
it seems like sometimes we have super-human expecations of people or we expect our happiness to be based off someone... and I'm the first one to admit that there is someone who makes me extremely happy.... but i don't base my happiness off him. (anyhow) we're all human. we all make mistakes, we all have our flaws and pet peeves.
i showed stephen a little graph i made ( i wish i could post it up here) where whether we've done lots of wrong or hardly any wrong, since we're human the scale of human morality vs. God's moralitty makes us all the same.... think of it like this---
Martha has a morality of 80
Sonya has a morality of 10
who's better? Martha. now think of a graph and plot it in your head.... yeah it seems like Martha is waaaay up there. HOWEVER.... let's now say
Martha= 80
Sonya= 10
God= 100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
now plot that one in your head, and you'll realize Martha and Sonya's moral difference is not that much... in fact, visually, they'd be in the same level... that's why it says in the Bible that all fall short of the glory of God. it always surprised me when i would read Mother Teresa say she was a dirty rag in God's eyes (it's freakin' MOTHER TERESA!!! how can she say such thing?!) but she was a human too. compared to God, she is a filthy rag. and so are you. and so am i.
that's the beauty of Grace, God provides it freely to you and me, Grace to clean us from the dirt we have so that we'll be fresh clean rags whenever we repent. sure, we're still rags, but at least we're clean ones! ;)
"i'm not a perfect person... " blah blah blah....
anyway, it strikes me...
it seems like sometimes we have super-human expecations of people or we expect our happiness to be based off someone... and I'm the first one to admit that there is someone who makes me extremely happy.... but i don't base my happiness off him. (anyhow) we're all human. we all make mistakes, we all have our flaws and pet peeves.
i showed stephen a little graph i made ( i wish i could post it up here) where whether we've done lots of wrong or hardly any wrong, since we're human the scale of human morality vs. God's moralitty makes us all the same.... think of it like this---
Martha has a morality of 80
Sonya has a morality of 10
who's better? Martha. now think of a graph and plot it in your head.... yeah it seems like Martha is waaaay up there. HOWEVER.... let's now say
Martha= 80
Sonya= 10
God= 100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
now plot that one in your head, and you'll realize Martha and Sonya's moral difference is not that much... in fact, visually, they'd be in the same level... that's why it says in the Bible that all fall short of the glory of God. it always surprised me when i would read Mother Teresa say she was a dirty rag in God's eyes (it's freakin' MOTHER TERESA!!! how can she say such thing?!) but she was a human too. compared to God, she is a filthy rag. and so are you. and so am i.
that's the beauty of Grace, God provides it freely to you and me, Grace to clean us from the dirt we have so that we'll be fresh clean rags whenever we repent. sure, we're still rags, but at least we're clean ones! ;)
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
In America
I watched a movie called "In America" yesterday. it was really really good. it's about an Irish family in the U.S. and it's mom, dad, and 2 girls, and they had a little boy named Frankie, but he died due to an accident. it's such a good movie though, makes you ponder about life and faith... without pushing anything, just very subtle, and full of deep quotes...
Johnny: Are you in love with her?
Mateo: No... I'm in love with you. And I'm in love with your beautiful woman. And I'm in love with your kids. And I'm even in love with your unborn child. I'm even in love with your anger! I'm in love with anything that lives!
Johnny: are you dying?
we often take life for granted, and we allow present circumstance to over shadow our love and joy for life.... until we realize, oh crap! life shouldn't be taken for granted....
Johnny: Are you in love with her?
Mateo: No... I'm in love with you. And I'm in love with your beautiful woman. And I'm in love with your kids. And I'm even in love with your unborn child. I'm even in love with your anger! I'm in love with anything that lives!
Johnny: are you dying?
we often take life for granted, and we allow present circumstance to over shadow our love and joy for life.... until we realize, oh crap! life shouldn't be taken for granted....
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
whiney rambles
yes... it's 8:19 on a Tuesday and i'm home. the reason?
i'm sick :(
i slept from 7 PM to 8 AM this morning... yes.. 13 hours of sleep... with a little 20 minute break around 2 am to finish off the tea my mom so kindly made me.
and i think i'm getting asthma :( this is caused by stress... i'm scared of not getting accepted into C.A.... and i think i'm creating a self-fulfilled prophecy, so i better start working and stop doubting...
i'm being so whiney... grrr...
ok--- i'll be positive--- i'm gonna go watch Napoleon Dynamite in Spanish with my mom... yes not my favorite movie, but good quality time with my mom i suppose...
i'm sick :(
i slept from 7 PM to 8 AM this morning... yes.. 13 hours of sleep... with a little 20 minute break around 2 am to finish off the tea my mom so kindly made me.
and i think i'm getting asthma :( this is caused by stress... i'm scared of not getting accepted into C.A.... and i think i'm creating a self-fulfilled prophecy, so i better start working and stop doubting...
i'm being so whiney... grrr...
ok--- i'll be positive--- i'm gonna go watch Napoleon Dynamite in Spanish with my mom... yes not my favorite movie, but good quality time with my mom i suppose...
Sunday, February 27, 2005
seeing through God
"i am blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure
that His joy's gonna be my strenght...
and though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning!"
God leaves me awe struck at His beautiful creation....
*in awe*
sure, we're human, but can you see what God sees? can you see His light inside of us? can you see how meticulosly He created us? cna you see the love, kindness, and beautiful craftsmanship? He is the perfect artist, poet, biologist, scientist... humanitarian... He's jsut perfect. and sometimes, He'll reveal Himself through people, if you'll only be open to the way He sees things... :)
that His joy's gonna be my strenght...
and though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning!"
God leaves me awe struck at His beautiful creation....
*in awe*
sure, we're human, but can you see what God sees? can you see His light inside of us? can you see how meticulosly He created us? cna you see the love, kindness, and beautiful craftsmanship? He is the perfect artist, poet, biologist, scientist... humanitarian... He's jsut perfect. and sometimes, He'll reveal Himself through people, if you'll only be open to the way He sees things... :)
Saturday, February 26, 2005
armored
do you hear the war drums?
do you feel the rhythmic beat
do you sense the passion
rise up
tingling in your spine?
do you feel your energy
discharge?
do you feel you army's
unity
shake the battlefield?
fully armored
our passionate cries
stir the enemy
but our army has ultimate power
our pride is not our own
but the One who sent us to battle
the battle
is not with weapons of hate or destruction
but with words of peace
the enemy lies and tries
to gain ground with empty promises
we pray for you
and the victory has been won
for us
by the Lamb who never lied....
anyhow. sucky poem i know, but i missed writing poetry.... though i suck at it hehehhe. it's not for your reading pleasure but my own therapy. (since art is my life, writing is my therapy... lol)
ok... so yesterday's 6:22 was very encouraging. i was a personal witness to a great outpour... and i would like to tell you about that...
ok... so wednesday night i went to the Mission and during adoration i had this vision of water pouring into my church from the steeple (a faucet from Heaven if you will) and i saw around me, and people were kneeled, deep in prayer, and water was rising but they kept praying, and the water kept rising, rising, rising... they were under water, and the water kept pouring, until t reached the ceiling and then it overflowed into the street....
so i drew that vision at 6:22... and amazingly enough, God overflowed our service. :) 50 random people from a random little church in NC came by, and God moved in powerful ways (not just through them, but also in 6:22's people).... wait i shouldn't have said random, i don't believe in coincidence--- everything happens for a reason! :)
so praise God... He's overflowing, and it's time for our armors to be impecable before God...
do you feel the rhythmic beat
do you sense the passion
rise up
tingling in your spine?
do you feel your energy
discharge?
do you feel you army's
unity
shake the battlefield?
fully armored
our passionate cries
stir the enemy
but our army has ultimate power
our pride is not our own
but the One who sent us to battle
the battle
is not with weapons of hate or destruction
but with words of peace
the enemy lies and tries
to gain ground with empty promises
we pray for you
and the victory has been won
for us
by the Lamb who never lied....
anyhow. sucky poem i know, but i missed writing poetry.... though i suck at it hehehhe. it's not for your reading pleasure but my own therapy. (since art is my life, writing is my therapy... lol)
ok... so yesterday's 6:22 was very encouraging. i was a personal witness to a great outpour... and i would like to tell you about that...
ok... so wednesday night i went to the Mission and during adoration i had this vision of water pouring into my church from the steeple (a faucet from Heaven if you will) and i saw around me, and people were kneeled, deep in prayer, and water was rising but they kept praying, and the water kept rising, rising, rising... they were under water, and the water kept pouring, until t reached the ceiling and then it overflowed into the street....
so i drew that vision at 6:22... and amazingly enough, God overflowed our service. :) 50 random people from a random little church in NC came by, and God moved in powerful ways (not just through them, but also in 6:22's people).... wait i shouldn't have said random, i don't believe in coincidence--- everything happens for a reason! :)
so praise God... He's overflowing, and it's time for our armors to be impecable before God...
Thursday, February 24, 2005
beautiful day!
haha i was gonna post something... but instead i'll post something else.
ok... as most of you know... one of my favorite bands is U2... and i especially like some songs by them--- beautiful day, all that you can't leave behind, and grace would be the most notable ones... so i've been listening to beautiful day A LOT lately... and i love some lines--- especially..
...See the canyons broken by cloud
See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out
See the Bedouin fires at night
See the oil fields at first light
And see the bird with a leaf in her mouth
After the flood all the colors came out
It was a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
Beautiful day ....
What you don't have you don't need it now
What you don't know you can feel it somehow
What you don't have you don't need it now
Don't need it now
Was a beautiful day
ok... so this is the good week. after rough times come good times. and i was reminded, it's supposed to be a beautiful day everyday. where's my hope? in God. where am I going? to Heaven (my last destination).... so i shouldn't worry or get upset about the menial little nit-picky things i do. i'm wasting wonderful time. AND if i am indeed feeling down, i can look for the everday beauty or beauty in my memories or imagination
(...See the canyons broken by cloud
See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out
See the Bedouin fires at night
See the oil fields at first light )
and i can hope and wait for the colors that come out after the storm...
oh how i love the calm and fresh feeling after a storm, when the sun comes out and there's this gorgeous bright rainbow, magnificent and beautiful. and storms are never eternal. a storm has to cease at one point or another, ya know?... wait for the calm and peace after it!
ah how rich and how beautiful is this life! sure, we all have sucky seasons, but the good seasons are always worth the sucky ones... :-P and all you need to be happy today, is what you have in your hand. stop chasing after what you don't have, be content with what you do have! :)
carpe diem in Deus
ok... as most of you know... one of my favorite bands is U2... and i especially like some songs by them--- beautiful day, all that you can't leave behind, and grace would be the most notable ones... so i've been listening to beautiful day A LOT lately... and i love some lines--- especially..
...See the canyons broken by cloud
See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out
See the Bedouin fires at night
See the oil fields at first light
And see the bird with a leaf in her mouth
After the flood all the colors came out
It was a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
Beautiful day ....
What you don't have you don't need it now
What you don't know you can feel it somehow
What you don't have you don't need it now
Don't need it now
Was a beautiful day
ok... so this is the good week. after rough times come good times. and i was reminded, it's supposed to be a beautiful day everyday. where's my hope? in God. where am I going? to Heaven (my last destination).... so i shouldn't worry or get upset about the menial little nit-picky things i do. i'm wasting wonderful time. AND if i am indeed feeling down, i can look for the everday beauty or beauty in my memories or imagination
(...See the canyons broken by cloud
See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out
See the Bedouin fires at night
See the oil fields at first light )
and i can hope and wait for the colors that come out after the storm...
oh how i love the calm and fresh feeling after a storm, when the sun comes out and there's this gorgeous bright rainbow, magnificent and beautiful. and storms are never eternal. a storm has to cease at one point or another, ya know?... wait for the calm and peace after it!
ah how rich and how beautiful is this life! sure, we all have sucky seasons, but the good seasons are always worth the sucky ones... :-P and all you need to be happy today, is what you have in your hand. stop chasing after what you don't have, be content with what you do have! :)
carpe diem in Deus
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
psalm 18
Psalm 18
darkness covers this life
in fear
i tremble
cold and naked
blinfolded
many voices scream
tears soak my innocent face
cold darkness
that pierces through naked skin...
shame
the voices,
louder,
bark of profanity
jealous
angry
they increase
inside the chaos
weary
tense
lost and confused
i faint
my heart panics
my mind runs
my spirit,
painful,
turns to Heaven
i cry out...
if such pain exists...
if there is a hell...
there must be a Heaven
i look up
seeing a warm light
the voices
angry
stir
mocking
cold
they caress my skin
the piercing touch of death
broken,
i see their faces
depression
fear
anger
pride
their faces vomit on me
angry,
they poke me
cold,
they touch me
my tears drown my eyes
but at last...
flashes of lightning
the warm light
angry, envelops me
i hold it close
i cling and cry
thunderous
the tempest
tears all the voices
the roots
of despair
thrown into a fire
so heavy it warms my very soul
my nakedness
is covered by the light
that saves my soul...
Jesus
darkness covers this life
in fear
i tremble
cold and naked
blinfolded
many voices scream
tears soak my innocent face
cold darkness
that pierces through naked skin...
shame
the voices,
louder,
bark of profanity
jealous
angry
they increase
inside the chaos
weary
tense
lost and confused
i faint
my heart panics
my mind runs
my spirit,
painful,
turns to Heaven
i cry out...
if such pain exists...
if there is a hell...
there must be a Heaven
i look up
seeing a warm light
the voices
angry
stir
mocking
cold
they caress my skin
the piercing touch of death
broken,
i see their faces
depression
fear
anger
pride
their faces vomit on me
angry,
they poke me
cold,
they touch me
my tears drown my eyes
but at last...
flashes of lightning
the warm light
angry, envelops me
i hold it close
i cling and cry
thunderous
the tempest
tears all the voices
the roots
of despair
thrown into a fire
so heavy it warms my very soul
my nakedness
is covered by the light
that saves my soul...
Jesus
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