kyros

i had a full day yesterday-- my mom left to Monterrey at 10ish AM, i attempted to cook my first alphabet soup, and decided soups might NOT be my forte... ( :( ) but it's ok. then, we tried looking for the book i lost... with no luck... then we went semi-grocery shopping, then came back to watch in america (yeah... it IS watch-it-twice good!)(in fact, by now, i've seen it 2 1/3 times) anyhow....

tears started choking my voice, and uncontrollable tears rolling down my face... and i was trying to explain... but how to explain a feeling so deep and inexplicable?

my mom woke up yesterday morning at 4 AM, she had a dream that i had died. she started crying, and i've only seen her cry more maybe once before. she said-- "you're just so good, and this flu hit you so hard..." she was scared it was my time to go back home... i went to sleep and i didn't cry but it did move me.... the next day all day i had death in my mind... what if i did die? and i saw my own funeral, people i love, crying and missing me. it wasn't my ego being boastful, it was God allowing me to see how much people actually loved me. love is a great, precious, and fragile gift, and when you get to see how much you are loved it's not for you to boast, but to be humbled. you never know what you have until you lose it they say. so i cried at my own funeral because i loved those people, and i didn't want to see them hurt.

so the tears started rolling off, uncontrollable. in a flash, i was ten years old, small, innocent, hopeful.... do you remember when you were ten? you wished for the best... you wished to be older, and bolder, and prettier, and more loved, more stable. you wished for a prince charming in his stallion. and i opened my eyes, and my sweet, hopeful 10 year old saw a beautiful man, one with a kind soul and full love, and caressed his face. and my 10 year old was so happy, everything i had hoped for was a reality, for me to touch his face. and i closed my eyes again. and i allowed myself to just feel the depth of the emotion... the spiritual becoming flesh... kyros...