one brief comment before i start-- our law is love. our law is compassion. people forget that, they want to become legalistic, or rationalize things, or rationalize their racism and other things through supposed "information" without considering that sometimes what is most reasonable is not most charitable or morally correct. sometimes, our minds have to be put aside and just love. i know this made prolly no sense to anyone, but i had to say it. :)
arg...
so i had a wonderful break. now.... well... it's back to school, away from Stephen and Theresa and hanging out and back to stressing out. of course, i'm not currently doing anything, when i should be working my butt off, i'm procrastinating. arg.
i'm here
i want to be found
i want to feel alive
and dance my way through life
i'm here
come and rescue me
from my own self...
i feel numb today. i don't know why. like i put my hope is something false and that false thing crashed and burned. yet, in my heart, i know i've trusted God. i haven't let Him down. my heart belongs to Him, and He knows it. He loves me, and i know it. but my heart... it feels numb. maybe it's my time to feel numb. you know? maybe i'm levitating and i don't know it? no no, the feeling's not of peace, but of numbness... like the world spinned 300 times slower. that's it. my break went by so fast, and now we're back at regular speed. maybe my heart has been a little infidel today. instead of a thankful heart (the usual) my heart was more of complaint. I never directly said "grr God! why are you making me go back to this?" but i think i've felt like that all day (disclaimer to the person on the outside of myself: i love what i'm doing, i love ECU, i love my life... i truly love art, my life would be so boring without it-- i only feel like another part of me is missing when school starts again, because i don't generally get to hang out with people, or not as much as i'd want to). so, no i'm not mad at God-- i see the greater plan. i know my schooling is mac daddy important. my heart bows down every time i think of the many blessings He pours out on me, and prolly my third or fourth one would be art school. this semester i'm lucky to have pretty good and nice professors. so it's not that. i hope everyone understands i am grateful, i can find a lot of joy in the small things God gives me, so I can definetely rejoice in the big ones (and He knows I am eternally endebted through love)........... (haha-- it's like i'm endebted in monopoly money, whatver He gives me I want to give back. anyhow!...)
Monday, November 29, 2004
Sunday, November 28, 2004
Friday, November 19, 2004
silence
if wishes could ever come true..... *sigh*
i don't know what to say right now. i'm home alone right now, my mom, grandma, uncle, and aunt went to an outlet in Smithfield, Miguel is in school, and i'm here in this silence. now a couple of years ago, maybe this silence would have driven me insane, but now, silence and i can coexist. in fact, silence usually speaks some gentleness and peace to my heart....
so there's this complete silence in my house, right?
silence allows me to focus on other things than the noise out there. I start listening to little things I never noticed.
i shall now practice silence. of the mind, the heart, my mouth, my eyes.... i shall become a person who radiates a peaceful silence.
don't be upset about silence, it's not the absence of noise, but the substance of introspection. it's the substance of growth.
[feeling pain and suffering is not the lack of happiness, but the prelude to deeper sensitivity and renewal. pain and suffering are a awakening to development, an open door to greater freedom, a way to ask for healing and being restored, being built from scratch. i hope you know this. i hope your faith can carry you through tough times with grace. i hope you don't take all the burden on you, because i'm open to sharing pain. i hope you know that. and i hope mourning won't take the best of you, but instead, through mourning you can become even cleaner and stronger.... all things work out for the best (trust me)...... don't fall, you were meant to rise]
i don't know what to say right now. i'm home alone right now, my mom, grandma, uncle, and aunt went to an outlet in Smithfield, Miguel is in school, and i'm here in this silence. now a couple of years ago, maybe this silence would have driven me insane, but now, silence and i can coexist. in fact, silence usually speaks some gentleness and peace to my heart....
so there's this complete silence in my house, right?
silence allows me to focus on other things than the noise out there. I start listening to little things I never noticed.
i shall now practice silence. of the mind, the heart, my mouth, my eyes.... i shall become a person who radiates a peaceful silence.
don't be upset about silence, it's not the absence of noise, but the substance of introspection. it's the substance of growth.
[feeling pain and suffering is not the lack of happiness, but the prelude to deeper sensitivity and renewal. pain and suffering are a awakening to development, an open door to greater freedom, a way to ask for healing and being restored, being built from scratch. i hope you know this. i hope your faith can carry you through tough times with grace. i hope you don't take all the burden on you, because i'm open to sharing pain. i hope you know that. and i hope mourning won't take the best of you, but instead, through mourning you can become even cleaner and stronger.... all things work out for the best (trust me)...... don't fall, you were meant to rise]
Thursday, November 18, 2004
my 6:22 post
and i wish people could understand alcohol is not to get drunk, only to drink modestly to prevent heart disease and blood clogs
i wish people understood their actions not only pertain to them, but to God, and if they're good it brings great joy to His heart, but if they're bad, His heart breaks, it shatters, He wants to be with you and bring you that peace you wish for, but you push Him away. not only do actions pertain to God, but these people's actions also affect their family and friends.... I'm concerned with them, i want them to be happy on their own and not to abuse a substance in order to forget or have fun. i wish they understood that there IS someone who truly loves and cares... i wish they understood peace IS possible through God.
I wish they didn't think i was just lying or naive or being preachy.... i wish they understood, i wish they could see God, see His holy face entirely made up of love. if they could open their eyes, if they attempted to open their eyes, their repentance would be the sweetest fragrance anyone has ever smelled. their repentance would be full of beauty and God embraces the repenting hearts, it restores them, and makes them new. fills them with a substance overflowing, the greatest substance any being can posses.
the substance is love. this substance does not impair your beautiful mind, it does not make you forget, it allows you to cope and forgive and move on. it allows you to grow and appreciate and see clearly as God sees.
i wish they only knew.
i wish people understood their actions not only pertain to them, but to God, and if they're good it brings great joy to His heart, but if they're bad, His heart breaks, it shatters, He wants to be with you and bring you that peace you wish for, but you push Him away. not only do actions pertain to God, but these people's actions also affect their family and friends.... I'm concerned with them, i want them to be happy on their own and not to abuse a substance in order to forget or have fun. i wish they understood that there IS someone who truly loves and cares... i wish they understood peace IS possible through God.
I wish they didn't think i was just lying or naive or being preachy.... i wish they understood, i wish they could see God, see His holy face entirely made up of love. if they could open their eyes, if they attempted to open their eyes, their repentance would be the sweetest fragrance anyone has ever smelled. their repentance would be full of beauty and God embraces the repenting hearts, it restores them, and makes them new. fills them with a substance overflowing, the greatest substance any being can posses.
the substance is love. this substance does not impair your beautiful mind, it does not make you forget, it allows you to cope and forgive and move on. it allows you to grow and appreciate and see clearly as God sees.
i wish they only knew.
my 6:22 post
and i wish people could understand alcohol is not to get drunk, only to drink modestly to prevent heart disease and blood clogs
i wish people understood their actions not only pertain to them, but to God, and if they're good it brings great joy to His heart, but if they're bad, His heart breaks, it shatters, He wants to be with you and bring you that peace you wish for, but you push Him away. not only do actions pertain to God, but these people's actions also affect their family and friends.... I'm concerned with them, i want them to be happy on their own and not to abuse a substance in order to forget or have fun. i wish they understood that there IS someone who truly loves and cares... i wish they understood peace IS possible through God.
I wish they didn't think i was just lying or naive or being preachy.... i wish they understood, i wish they could see God, see His holy face entirely made up of love. if they could open their eyes, if they attempted to open their eyes, their repentance would be the sweetest fragrance anyone has ever smelled. their repentance would be full of beauty and God embraces the repenting hearts, it restores them, and makes them new. fills them with a substance overflowing, the greatest substance any being can posses.
the substance is love. this substance does not impair your beautiful mind, it does not make you forget, it allows you to cope and forgive and move on. it allows you to grow and appreciate and see clearly as God sees.
i wish they only knew.
i wish people understood their actions not only pertain to them, but to God, and if they're good it brings great joy to His heart, but if they're bad, His heart breaks, it shatters, He wants to be with you and bring you that peace you wish for, but you push Him away. not only do actions pertain to God, but these people's actions also affect their family and friends.... I'm concerned with them, i want them to be happy on their own and not to abuse a substance in order to forget or have fun. i wish they understood that there IS someone who truly loves and cares... i wish they understood peace IS possible through God.
I wish they didn't think i was just lying or naive or being preachy.... i wish they understood, i wish they could see God, see His holy face entirely made up of love. if they could open their eyes, if they attempted to open their eyes, their repentance would be the sweetest fragrance anyone has ever smelled. their repentance would be full of beauty and God embraces the repenting hearts, it restores them, and makes them new. fills them with a substance overflowing, the greatest substance any being can posses.
the substance is love. this substance does not impair your beautiful mind, it does not make you forget, it allows you to cope and forgive and move on. it allows you to grow and appreciate and see clearly as God sees.
i wish they only knew.
Sunday, November 14, 2004
purpose
oh so many songs leap in my heart right now, and all i want to say is....
there is a universal law and we should be grateful for it. the law? LOVE! Love never fails. (1 Cor. 13) I know there's people out there that feel unloved, ashamed, broken. Shoot--- I'm broken, ashamed, and sometimes i feel unappreciated. To all those people, seek deeper. Seek for a greater love. Don't you see? God chases your heart.... He wants to just fill you with extravagant love... He wants you to become pure and holy, like He created you to be. I know i'm very lacking, and I understand I might not be the best example of it, but I strive to get there. And i think if we all truly strived.... can you imagine what this world would be like?
Yeah... you pessimist! I hear your voice. It will never be like that, the world is corrupt, it's broken, it's filled with filth and shame, and all sorts of bad things. I agree it is. But isn't the world also filled with beauty, healing, and peace? Doesn't someone's warm embrace mean more than someone's rudeness? Love always wins.
I wish I could be an eye opener.... I know people think I'm blinded, and I must admit in a way I am. I'm extremely biased. God makes you change.... He changes the way you see things, He changes your actions, attitudes and thoughts... So why should you listen to me if I'm biased? Because if you were biased like me, inner peace would flow out of you, love would radiate from your pores, your inner rhythm would be in tune to the heartbeat of God. What would matter if the world crumbles around you if inside you're radiating, you have a higher hope....
Do you understand this? If you had a higher hope, earthly things banish, they become miniscule. Not to say they won't hurt, but the new found perspective will surely ease and heal the pain MUCH quicker. so---- where's your hope? WHERE is YOUR hope? is it in relationships? school? work? those things... they're so ephemeral! do you see this? think about it.
there is a universal law and we should be grateful for it. the law? LOVE! Love never fails. (1 Cor. 13) I know there's people out there that feel unloved, ashamed, broken. Shoot--- I'm broken, ashamed, and sometimes i feel unappreciated. To all those people, seek deeper. Seek for a greater love. Don't you see? God chases your heart.... He wants to just fill you with extravagant love... He wants you to become pure and holy, like He created you to be. I know i'm very lacking, and I understand I might not be the best example of it, but I strive to get there. And i think if we all truly strived.... can you imagine what this world would be like?
Yeah... you pessimist! I hear your voice. It will never be like that, the world is corrupt, it's broken, it's filled with filth and shame, and all sorts of bad things. I agree it is. But isn't the world also filled with beauty, healing, and peace? Doesn't someone's warm embrace mean more than someone's rudeness? Love always wins.
I wish I could be an eye opener.... I know people think I'm blinded, and I must admit in a way I am. I'm extremely biased. God makes you change.... He changes the way you see things, He changes your actions, attitudes and thoughts... So why should you listen to me if I'm biased? Because if you were biased like me, inner peace would flow out of you, love would radiate from your pores, your inner rhythm would be in tune to the heartbeat of God. What would matter if the world crumbles around you if inside you're radiating, you have a higher hope....
Do you understand this? If you had a higher hope, earthly things banish, they become miniscule. Not to say they won't hurt, but the new found perspective will surely ease and heal the pain MUCH quicker. so---- where's your hope? WHERE is YOUR hope? is it in relationships? school? work? those things... they're so ephemeral! do you see this? think about it.
family-- you'll move out soon enough, you'll be out of your parent's house in a heartbeat...
friends-- they move, they fade, they are swallowed by distance, busyness, and new
relationships.... relationships? supposing you get lucky and you find your perfect match RIGHT NOW-- chances are, that person IS human, and thus, can't bring you complete happiness, bc hapiness is found within and that person CANNOT change your own attitude and thoughts.... also, supposing both of you get married and the other person dies first, what about life after the person dies? you have to live on!...
school-- oh believe me, school time passes by VERY quickly, i'm almost done...
work-- dive yourself into work and see you NOT leave 1 single legacy behind. if your dream is to be a famous writer, artist, scientist, or what not... chances are 1 in 100000000000000000 that you will NOT appear in a history book.... not to say you're not important, but think of 10 Nobel prize winners, and then tell me 10 of your friends. who's more iportant to YOU personally?
anyhow... my point is-- think about your purpose, you are important, and you were created with a purpose. find out what God's purpose in your life is. :)
Friday, November 12, 2004
radiate
radiate [10/25/04 10:27 PM]
open up
flower of fragrant scent
your fear blinds you
your failures
surround you
gigantically somber
but you carry beauty within
you forgot...
the winter left you so cold
you forgot the colors you were meant to radiate...
open up
flower of fragrant scent
your fear blinds you
your failures
surround you
gigantically somber
but you carry beauty within
you forgot...
the winter left you so cold
you forgot the colors you were meant to radiate...
some drama
yep... drama happens. i feel like i'm between the sword and the wall (it's a spanish saying to say you're stuck in the middle of something ugly) or so i think, anyhow. maybe i'm creating all the drama in my mind? either way-- i care for all 3 people involved... and I know it will all have a happy ending. :) (where's your treasure? where's your hope? ;) switchfoot "gone")
aside from that... the morning was so fine today! it smelled of a cool distant fragrance. it made me smile and have a lovely day. then it rained, but i had a spare umbrella in my locker by chance, so i didn't get wet at ALL! :-D yay!
i guess i don't have any deep thoughts today. it's like i have writer's block... hmmmm...
aside from that... the morning was so fine today! it smelled of a cool distant fragrance. it made me smile and have a lovely day. then it rained, but i had a spare umbrella in my locker by chance, so i didn't get wet at ALL! :-D yay!
i guess i don't have any deep thoughts today. it's like i have writer's block... hmmmm...
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
:)
i never said my rose story... i got a rose from God Himself last friday. made my month! shoot maybe even my year! (hahahahaha... it's pretty impossible to exceed the love God has for me (or for any of you, as a matter of fact))
God rocks more than you'll ever know or fathom.....
Hebrews 11:1,3
(1) Faith is the realization of what is hoped for and evidence of things not seen.
(3) By faith we understand that the universe was ordered by the word of God, so that what is visible came into being through the invisible.
ah! makes me want to dive into a silent universal mystery.... i want to be a mystic. i want to search the depths of the heart of God, i want to get carried away.... (violins play in an passionate melody) lol...
about my week... they say time flies when you're having fun and i suppose it must be true, bc time is flying, slipping, jumping off the ledge of my hands. it's soaking through me. hmmmmmmmm is time shining through me? i don't think it is... i think i've wasted time, and wasted time.... is it like a deferred dream... does it explode?
God rocks more than you'll ever know or fathom.....
Hebrews 11:1,3
(1) Faith is the realization of what is hoped for and evidence of things not seen.
(3) By faith we understand that the universe was ordered by the word of God, so that what is visible came into being through the invisible.
ah! makes me want to dive into a silent universal mystery.... i want to be a mystic. i want to search the depths of the heart of God, i want to get carried away.... (violins play in an passionate melody) lol...
about my week... they say time flies when you're having fun and i suppose it must be true, bc time is flying, slipping, jumping off the ledge of my hands. it's soaking through me. hmmmmmmmm is time shining through me? i don't think it is... i think i've wasted time, and wasted time.... is it like a deferred dream... does it explode?
Monday, November 08, 2004
psychoanalysis
I messed up my project again. If i could only figure out HOW it'd be wonderful. Gr for frustration. frustration sucks!
i was psychoanalyzing myself today. I realized maybe i haven't let go things of when i was around 5 or 6 years old. it surprised me that i remember little occurrences when i was a little kid, and even more surprised to know they still hurt. oh well. not a big deal. just interesting i suppose. i have NO idea of how i came about thinking of such occurences, more the least why now. i was pondering about sunkist and if they were trying to make a subliminal message by really meaning sinkist and masking it. then i got on the ball of subliminal appealing to the subconscious. then i believe that i was like... well they say there's a lot of repression in your subconscious that you let out in your dreams, but quite honestly, my dreams are prolly as moralistic as i am, if not more... (i can COUNT with one hand the number of times when my dreams did not match up with my true standards and ideas). so i have absolutely no idea how i started thinking of that one instance in kindergarten when i had a little boyfriend. well, it was common knowledge in the kindergarten population that i had a boyfriend. and this kid-- he was a pretty little kid if i can say so myself. brown hair, green eyes. the whole deal. anyhow-- one day the teacher stepped out, and the kid came up to me and asked for a kiss. first of all-- i'm a kidergartener. second of all, i liked him and all... but a KISS! WHOA! buddy! back off, were not gonna get married tomorrow. third of all, i'm in front of the class (I don't know why... i msut have been sharpening my pencil or something).... anyhow.... i have this huge blackout in my mind, where i don't remember what exactly happened, all i can remember is feeling extremely self-conscious since all my classmates ganged up around us and asked us to kiss... so self-conscious is not the word, it's more like..... embarrased. i don't think i've been so embarrassed in my whole entire life. anxiety crawls all over me, like little fire ants waiting to sting. i started crying in frustration, anger, embarrasment, and hurt? hate? i don't know. my face was hiding-- i can't remember if i crawled into a corner and dug my face into it, or if i just covered my face with my hands or arms the only thing i remember is that my face was covered in shame. and then-- the blackout. i don't recall what stopped it, who stopped it, what happened exactly. I know he didn't kiss me, or at least i don't remember him kissing me.
why did i say all of that? NO idea. i guess i'm still trying to sort out what all of this means, and why i'm thinking about it today..... and trying to forgive myself for liking a kid, trying to forgive the kid for being silly. i see it now as an adult, he was just a kid, he wouldn't have sexually harassed me or anything, but back then my instincts didn't know that, they just knew the whole situation didn't feel right and i had a fight or flight response.... hahahaha talk about psychoanalysis.... now i wonder how it's all affecting me in current relationships? or if it affects me at all....
i was psychoanalyzing myself today. I realized maybe i haven't let go things of when i was around 5 or 6 years old. it surprised me that i remember little occurrences when i was a little kid, and even more surprised to know they still hurt. oh well. not a big deal. just interesting i suppose. i have NO idea of how i came about thinking of such occurences, more the least why now. i was pondering about sunkist and if they were trying to make a subliminal message by really meaning sinkist and masking it. then i got on the ball of subliminal appealing to the subconscious. then i believe that i was like... well they say there's a lot of repression in your subconscious that you let out in your dreams, but quite honestly, my dreams are prolly as moralistic as i am, if not more... (i can COUNT with one hand the number of times when my dreams did not match up with my true standards and ideas). so i have absolutely no idea how i started thinking of that one instance in kindergarten when i had a little boyfriend. well, it was common knowledge in the kindergarten population that i had a boyfriend. and this kid-- he was a pretty little kid if i can say so myself. brown hair, green eyes. the whole deal. anyhow-- one day the teacher stepped out, and the kid came up to me and asked for a kiss. first of all-- i'm a kidergartener. second of all, i liked him and all... but a KISS! WHOA! buddy! back off, were not gonna get married tomorrow. third of all, i'm in front of the class (I don't know why... i msut have been sharpening my pencil or something).... anyhow.... i have this huge blackout in my mind, where i don't remember what exactly happened, all i can remember is feeling extremely self-conscious since all my classmates ganged up around us and asked us to kiss... so self-conscious is not the word, it's more like..... embarrased. i don't think i've been so embarrassed in my whole entire life. anxiety crawls all over me, like little fire ants waiting to sting. i started crying in frustration, anger, embarrasment, and hurt? hate? i don't know. my face was hiding-- i can't remember if i crawled into a corner and dug my face into it, or if i just covered my face with my hands or arms the only thing i remember is that my face was covered in shame. and then-- the blackout. i don't recall what stopped it, who stopped it, what happened exactly. I know he didn't kiss me, or at least i don't remember him kissing me.
why did i say all of that? NO idea. i guess i'm still trying to sort out what all of this means, and why i'm thinking about it today..... and trying to forgive myself for liking a kid, trying to forgive the kid for being silly. i see it now as an adult, he was just a kid, he wouldn't have sexually harassed me or anything, but back then my instincts didn't know that, they just knew the whole situation didn't feel right and i had a fight or flight response.... hahahaha talk about psychoanalysis.... now i wonder how it's all affecting me in current relationships? or if it affects me at all....
Sunday, November 07, 2004
yay grr
GR! my photography project screwed up--- AGAIN!!!! GR DAGGONE IT FIDDLESTICKS! but it's ok... yesterday was fantabulous...
Friday, November 05, 2004
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
3 signs for faith
Habakkuk 2:3
For the vision still has its time, presses on to fulfillment, and will not disappoint; If it delays, wait for it, it will surely come, it will not be late.
:) Courtney's words of encouragement.
"you're a beautiful girl. it should serve some consolation"
Mike's words of encouragement.
"Hebrews 11"
Patrick's words of encouragement.
when i'm feeling low and like maybe God can't/won't fulfill His promise, He sends message that He will. and I'm certain that He will, because "Faith is the realization of what is hoped for and evidence of things not seen." (Hebrews 11:1) So what more evidence needs my heart than 3 signs? God rocks my socks! WOOT!
For the vision still has its time, presses on to fulfillment, and will not disappoint; If it delays, wait for it, it will surely come, it will not be late.
:) Courtney's words of encouragement.
"you're a beautiful girl. it should serve some consolation"
Mike's words of encouragement.
"Hebrews 11"
Patrick's words of encouragement.
when i'm feeling low and like maybe God can't/won't fulfill His promise, He sends message that He will. and I'm certain that He will, because "Faith is the realization of what is hoped for and evidence of things not seen." (Hebrews 11:1) So what more evidence needs my heart than 3 signs? God rocks my socks! WOOT!
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