reach out!

I could have written something, but instead, I'll display an excerpt of Stephen's blog, may his words touch your heart....

Friday, December 31, 2004

"Indian Ocean Tsunami"

....Now, I plead for you to feel guilty. I feel guilty. This is indirectly our fault. Yes, we didn’t create the earthquake or tsunami, but our social ideals have created the poverty and lack of environmental sustainability and safety, which has lead to the death of hundreds of thousands. Too often, we hide behind the borders of our nations and look towards the world with paranoia and mistrust; not seeing their beauty, but rather, fearing the worst from our neighbors. It takes horrific events like this for us to put down our defenses and reach out our hand.

Why can’t we do this sooner? I too forget to stretch out my hand to my fellow people, and I now wonder how many people suffered pointlessly because of this action. Imagine how much suffering could be prevented World Wide if we would simply stop caring so much about our high and mighty way of life and instead, give. Could we have done more to lessen the number of dead from the tsunami of the Indian Ocean? I don’t know. I fear that we could. I know that we could prevent more people from starving World Wide. I know we could do more to protect the environment for the future generations. I know we could do more to help reduce our staggering number of people, which is choking the world. Could we have done more to prevent the horror we are witnessing today? Does it matter? No. Do something now:

Links: (All links provide information and links to relief organizations)

(I suggest helping out)

AlterNet

CNN

Google

Guardian

UN

USAID

This Is Directed Mainly To Americans:

Americans are known as the nation of consumers, ever increasingly gobbling up the natural and not so natural resources of this world. I would rather be known as a nation of givers. I believe we need to change out lifestyle, but I understand this won’t happen anytime soon, and won’t be possible for any one man to do. So, instead, I offer you this: Take a small percentage out of your monthly income and put it away to donate. It doesn’t have to be a lot. I know I shall be hard pressed to get people out to actually donate their time, which is very precious in American society today, but this is something anyone could accomplish.

Also, I plead to you to make a good New Years Revolution. Usually, people try to do something that will better themselves. Yet, this year, I urge you to do something that will either help the world or others. I personally believe you learn more about yourself helping others than at any other time. Tell yourself you will no longer support a product that is known to oppress people across the globe. Recycle. Anything. Doing something small will not change your lifestyle, but whether you believe it or not, it will have an impact.

grateful

I'm currently (re) reading They Cage the Animals at Night by Jennings Michael Burch.

everyone ought to read this book! it's wonderful.... it's all about the soul... it's a true life story of a child who had to face more adversity than some of us ever have and will. despite it, he looks at life with a warm kind heart, and he shows all that is truly good. it's like.... hmm... after the dark night, a little bit of sunshine is much brighter and warmer. not to say this book is depressive, but it gives me a grateful heart... it gives me a new look at life. i like humane books, the ones that remind you of the child within you, the ones that remind you of what is truly important. this book would be it.

what is my heart full of today? gratefulness. i feel content. i mean, i'm worried about the upcoming semester, i'm worried of the future, unclear and shady. but you know what? today.... i have a family that loves me, shelter, friends. i was wondering, what if lost it all? i can't live in a constant fear of it, but if you give it a chance to sink in and think of that possiblity, you realize how rich you are, how many blessings you have. people don't stop to amaze at how many riches they have, only when they're gone they miss them. little things like a nice warm bed, or someone's scent, freedom of speech, long-distance communication.... think of all the great things you should be grateful for, and if you just take them for granted and don't feel like being thankful, pray that God will give you a more grateful heart. gratefulness is a great feeling, it fosters contentment, joy, and peace. :)

indifference no more.

i finally remember something i wanted to write here.
yesterday i watched a show in TVE (Television Española) (tv from Spain) ... it was a documententary of the immigrants' plight. it was just about the saddest show i've seen in a long time. when people think of immigration they think of people invading the U.S. with odd customs, or taking of jobs, or whatever. This show was from a European country that is a little less biased than say a Mexican or an American view on it. so it showed people. and i think people forget that immigrants are people too. no one wants to leave their home, def. not immigrants. i didn't want to leave Mexico. I understood Mexican culture, customs, language, way of life. i didn't want to leave Mexico. i had family and friends. in the U.S? no one at all. no friends, no family. we entered through Madison Wisconsin. the weather was extremely different. i had never before been to a public school, esp. not an American one. the food is different. everything is. so when people are like "go back, you dirty (insert name of your preferred nationality here)" i want to say, it's not like i didn't want to stay there.... so what made us move? my dad worked 2 jobs in Mexico, and he couldn't afford my brother and my school. why not a public school? because well, public school is only the most ordinary and basic education, if you want to be ahead, you need to go to a private school, or else, your whole life you'll play catch up.

so anyhow. my point? the show shows that people want more than just work to survive. they want to provide their children with better opportunities. i'm studyng graphic design, and i've been taught that if you love something, and you work really really hard at it, you have no other choice but to succeed. it might take time, and a lot (A LOT) of hard work, but you are destined to succeed. i believe that because i saw my dad work 2 jobs as a salesman and barely make it through. then he started back at computer programming which was his passion. we had to live in the closest place to hell on earth-- Juarez (Chihuahua) and we made it through (thanks be to God) we moved to Madison WI and we found so much peace there. my dad was happy working there, and for everything his coworkers complained my dad was grateful. they hadn't been through what he had been through. we moved here and then he moved to Guam but through it all--- he does what he likes best, and we have a nice house and comfortable living because of it. the peak of it all was his boss last year gave him a whole month paid vacation and we went to Europe (my mom had always wanted to go back, i always had wanted to go) and it was everything i ever dreamed it would be. would my dad had succeeded had he not taken us out of Mexico? i don't know. and i never will, he chose to risk it and come to the U.S. i'm grateful he took the risk and i'm grateful God helped us through. hard work will always reap. i've never seen a case where it doesn't. effort will always be prized. anyhow! back to the immigrants. when you look into an immigrant's eyes you will find a load of dreams, a load of hardships. people stomp on them, and they don't give up. companies ABUSE them and they keep on going with hope and will power. they want to provide a brighter future to their children. i don't see anything wrong with that. i wish people could understand we are all human and we are all trying to make our dreams come true.

i wish people RESPECTED at least the very basic human rights and stopped exploiting third world countries. until then, i will do my share, and i will seek a way of helping and reaching out to my brothers and sisters, the children of God, whose voices and faces i may not see but i KNOW that they still exist. i know God loves them the same that He loves me and He loves the people dearest to me. blessed are those who hunger and thirst for they will be satisfied. amen. (let it be.) may God keep them and may He open my eyes to see them, may i not be indifferent to their cries or pleas, may i not support the tyranny that opresses them through my own indifference. may i not be a tyrant too. i pray you won't be indifferent either... it is a long quest, maybe an impossible one, but i will try it. i have hope for a better world, because God is a God of hope, and whoever says "that's the way things are" or "there will always be evil in the world" has failed to ahve a higher hope in God, has failed to fight with all that is within them. sure there will always be evil in the world, but whose side are you on? you can choose to hear the cry of the poor, or ignore it and live your life in blissful indifference and through that process become the evil of the world.

i'm sick of you, and i refuse to be one of you. indifference no more.

recent readings

so yesterday i wrote this pretty awesome blog, but it was erased :-/ so i figured maybe it wasn't supposed to be put up here. maybe it was my gathering of some thoughts. ok so i'll start a new one today!

i read a book called The Alchemist. it's about dreams, purpose, faith, courage, love... it's an interesting book. it has many many layers to it, i'm suspecting it's a book i'll have to re-read more than once and i'll still find something new every single time.

in my Bible, i'm starting to read Revelations. I love Revelations. people use it to terrorize the "infidels" but i see it as a story of glory, of hope, and of victory. Christ has a white throne, and he gathers His people for an eternity in His undending love. sure, there's the anti-Christ, the beast, and all that stuff, but such is life. the beast roams around, but it has no power over truth, only Christ does. so i like the book of revelation. it's a love story, as is every single book in the Bible. :) I wish people started reading it as such. :)

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, peoples of the world!

hehee-- i hate the word peoples.... just like i hate sentences that say "off of" (it's just one OFF people! don't have to say it twice!) lol...

anyhow!

last tuesday at Power Hour we discussed Christmas and getting distracted by all the busyness of it. we should remember whose birthday it is and celebrate it as such---- it's like giving birthday gifts to all the people invited and not to the person whose birthday it is.... *shakes head*... so i hope you can make sometime to say happy birthday, what would YOU like for Your birthday? what can i do for You? how can i be a better person?


of which-- i should listen and go do those dishes i promised i would do... and clean up that room... yeah..... have a jolly good Christmas people!

Stephen--- thanks again :-P

confessions of a sinner mind

so i'm not perfect. in fact, i'm far away from it..... you ready to hear the truth?
i'm a sinner *trembles in shame, lip quivers for dramatic effect*

teee heee. comforting thing is so are you, and the person next to you, and all of us. the not so comforting thing is knowing that everyday, all of us hurt the heart of God. on a personal level, i don't want to hurt the heart of God, I don't want to turn my back. but i do :(

so i ask for mercy, for forgiveness. and i feel so ashamed, so very ashamed. i bow down and i realize how pathetic and worthless, how could i turn my back on true everlasting love? how could i hurt the heart of One who only loves me more than anyone could ever love me?...

so i ask for forgiveness. and i ask for forgiveness again. and again. and again. and again. i can't let go of the fact i sinned against God, that i gave in and fell away, that i rejected love for my own purpose when God is only seeking what's best for me too. it's like when you're a child, and your mom tells you "don't touch the oven" you think I'm gonna do what pleases me and then you get burnt. that's sin. then you not only realize ouch, i'm hurt, but also, i disobeyed my mom. she did know best after all...

and when you do that, what's best to do? cry on your own, or admit your fault and let you mom see the burn and make sure you're ok? i mean, you disobeyed once, might as well tell the truth now.

so i tell God, but since He doesn't have a clear audible voice, most of the time i have a hard time hearing Him say "it's ok, i kissed the booboo and i know you love me. *hug*" so i go to confession. i let the sin out, i kill my pride, i allow the world to know--- i've sinned. yes i am a sinner too. not only am i killing my pride, but the priest opens himself as God's loudspeaker if you wish and he let's me know that hey, it's ok. i love you anyhow, i see your heart. now a priest has never actually hugged me, but i know i've felt spiritually hugged after confession. i know my sin is cleansed and cast away into things forgotten. God cleansed me because i allowed Him to (again as a metaphor, a child playing with dirt who instead of hiding his hands from his mom or dad he shows them and cries. the mom or dad thoght a little disappointed for the disobedience is more happy about the child admitting the fault, so the mom or dad washes the child's hands completely clean. past is past, dirt down the drain).


and so that's my personal experience with confession. i went to confession on Saturday and i feel so much cleaner now. i confess to God first, but i think allowing myself to speak it out takes killing of pride, and hearing someone say you are forgiven, go in peace really does wonders for the soul. :)

yippiddy yay

yay yay... yippiddy yay. i'm giddy... uppidity up, above above and uppidty up i go!

hehehe it sounds like i could write an awesome doo-shoop song with that.

anyhow. in my blog i usually try not to go very personal, but i will mention this today: Stephen and I are "official" now. it took prayer and a bit of advice from several holy and wise people, but i felt the peace God gives when He allows you to pursue something. i mean, i'm not sure where it'll all go or end, but that's the beautiful mystery. faith in Him and in his Holy plan... faith like a child. :)


in other news...
God has just be so very wonderful to me. praise and honor and glory be to Him! i feel like i'm getting back on track, i had been a little deviated??? (is that a word in English?) it means i felt like i was off the path for a little while. i was having a lot of trouble listening to His voice, and seeing Him, but i feel so much closer to His heart now. and i know... He'll never let me go... (my Savoir, my closest friend, I will worship You until the very end.....)
i want a personal retreat with my best friend. I feel like I've left Him in the back burner for a little while-- with exams and all i got really busy and really off track. holidays are wonderful, and I hope i'll be able to handle exams better next time... won't get off track next exams... :)

i don't ahve mcuh to say--- just a bit happy... giddy... :-D i wish you the same. :) (don't give up hope people!)

Law of love

man i wish everyone had read Les Miserables. it's such a Christian book. :) so here's a reason why i love that book:

there's 2 characters you should know: Javert (a French policeman) and Jean Valjean (an ex-convict)
Jean Valjean seeks with all his heart to help people and live a good Christian life. Javert wants to abide by French law and imprison Jean Valjean for past injuries. he doesn't understand that we're covered by grace.

what does that mean?

hmmm... it means that we need to stop seeking what seems right and wrong and start seeking the heart of God, which will show us what to do for every specific situation. the problem with laws is that a single law cannot foresee every single case that might come up. i believe there are cases in which normally "wrong" things would be ok to do. for example, a lie of mercy. if a woman says "i despise my child and never want to see him again!" you will NOT tell the child "your mom said she hates you and never wants to see you again" you will most likely say "your mommy is very sick, she needs to go find a cure, but she will get better and she wants you not to be afraid."

THAT is a lie my friends! the mother never said anything like that! but why lie? isn't lying bad? not necessarily, for this case it isn't. a child does not have the capability to understand what his mom might be going through, and an adult has to protect a child's innocence. it's on a case by case basis, and God sees a case per case basis.

for the note-- this is not relativism, this is the universal law of love. in the case above, because of love to the child, you protected his integrity. if you had told the truth, you wouldn't have loved, you would have caused immense pain and future problems to the child. you would take a child's fragility and broken it only to speak the "truth" which might end up being momentary truth (the mom said that in a moment of anguish and disturbed mental state instead of truthfulness)


anyhow.... where i'm getting with this? let's stop being so legalistic. let's start loving and abiding by the law of love. to follow it, you must look at God (aka LOVE) and you can make moral judgenments through that.

Kelley Haven said something very interesting to me yesterday, she said--- if you're in line with God, then everything else falls into place. i've been fighting that so hard, i've been trying to put everything in my own hands. i've been trying to follow the law, instead of looking up and seeing love. it all finally made sense and fell into place. (oh so very God-sent!)

who reads my blog?

so yesterday i went to Conley to hang out with Miguel during lunch. it was nice! he didn't know i was coming, and he made such a face! like OH MY GOSH! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S YOU! i was shocked that he was so shocked. he sees me everyday at home, and i always thought that that whole "younger siblings look up to the older ones" was a BIG FAT ROUND LIE. well apparently, it holds some sort of truth to it. everyone at Conley is like "WOOOOOOOOOW you're in college!" and it's as though you're their personal hero for being a little older and having survived the perils, stresses, and disappointments found in high school. or maybe it's like "wow.... you can go to the bathroom without asking the teacher permission or having to show a hall pass if you get caught in a hallway......... *silent awe*" lol.
but anyhow. i asked Miguel why he was so shocked, and he said because he didn't expect us. he likes surprises. and you know what? I do too. i've never really had anyone do any sort of big surprise for me (though i must thank April and Kelley Haven for the little notes in my wind shield-- there's not a little surprise as sweet)... but giving a surprise is just as good as receiving one. i shall look forward to creating more pleasant surprises. :-D and i'm sorry for ever being so selfish as to complain for not getting surprises (is in giving that we receive!)


so that said... who reads my blog? I want to know who my "audience" is. ha... not that i would change the content of my blog if i knew more or less people read this, or that more male or female or female than male, etc. merely curiosity that i don't know who or how many read this. (in other words--- SIGN YOUR NAME)

of night time and meteor shower

Let peace begin with me. Let this be the moment now. With ev'ry breath I take, let this be my solemn vow; To take each moment and live each moment in peace eternally! Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me! -- traditional Christmas Carol

yesterday was fantastic. shooting stars are so awesome. it's like you have to be aware of the precise moment or you lose it. also, you take a trip out to see something so very ephemeral when the actual stars are always there and they're just as beautiful.

a moment captured
in the incandescent light
a glimmer
reflection of stars
and passing fleeting flying light
a moment captured
stored in the imagination of time
of warmth in a cold night
of light in the darkness
paradoxical time
stored in the mind of eternity
________________________________

reverent silence
awe struck by the rays
of light
that pierce my soul
darkness mutes to
the silent giocoso melody
of dancing stars
that fall into my soul
overflooding all darkness
and beholding
indescribable light

guys are beautiful

yes! you heard right! guys are beautiful. now i'm not gonna lie and say all guys are overall beautiful, but i will say everyone has their fair share of beauty. someone asked me what my "fetish" in a guy was... and i was like...ummmmmmmmmm.... i don't know.
know if we're talking art wise-- like David by Michaelangelo-- i've been blessed to see it personally, and I must admit what struck me the most was the perfection of his feet and arms... and i have a thing for guys' backs. now i don't mean that in any sort of sexual sense, not lustfully, i would speak the same of feminine beauty-- i would speak of girls' perfect lips, or a beautiful waist. or delicacy and grace. but guys don't have delicacy and grace- well some do, but overall they don't. But speaking in real life terms (instead of artistic aesthetic appreciation) I believe guys do possess beauty. I would say the same for girls, and i can actually appreciate a girl's beauty but i think guys are the ones who have issues accepting their God-given beauty. girls sorta accept it and take it for granted. guys don't realize they have it. so what makes a guy beautiful? (physically i mean)... it depends on the guy. some guys have beautiful eyes, some great jaws, or lips. some have soft hair, some have gorgeous eyelashes (yes eyelashes). little attributes that you don't notice make you beautiful. :)

HOWEVER....
don't let it get to your head! ;) yes there's something beautiful about you too (even if you've never seen it) but that's most certainly not the most important thing. i dated a drop dead gorgeous guy once, and he was the most unsatisfactory relationship I've EVER had (wait... i've only had 2... oh but i meant as in friendship relationships too). seriously!!! he had beautiful eyes, lips, hair. oh he was def. gorgeous. but guess what? he was a jerk. oh yes, he was a jerk. our "relationship" lasted ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... i'd say one day. it's hard to tell, bc he never did ask me out, he just dared kiss me. (that was MY fault-- assuming he actaully wanted me for me instead of a kiss for kiss' sake)... so where am I going with this?

you are most definetely positively no doubt in my mind beautiful (at least in some way shape or form). you may have gorgeous eyes, or jaws, or lips. (that however doesn't mean I've actually noticed your unique beauty-- you personal unique beauty might be only noticeable to your future spouse--- and please don't embarass me by asking what's beautiful about you--- try to think about it for yourself! unless you're a girl-- then i'll tell you no problem {there's no fear of reading too much into it bc i'm as straight as they come!}) anyhow!! so yes-- there's some innate God-given beauty you have. yes-- even you. maybe it's your feet and no one's seen them yet, but there's something beautiful about you. ok... that said--

physical beauty is ephemeral. i rather have a guy that i can have a good conversation with, a guy that will support and love me, than a gorgeous guy with no brains or spirit.

what are YOU focusing on? beauty, or inner beauty? inner beauty will last forever, physical will last for an undeteremined amount of time, and it will merely deteriorate (i have yet to see someone cryogenically frozen.... and even if i did-- that's NOT the point!) physical beauty hold no value without a meaning. no art has value if it's void of meaning (despite the common view of art).
yeah imma stop rambling now.

my little art lecture

I found this quote on my art history book and found it quite interesting (it made me smile:)

"Color directly influences the soul. Color is the keyboard, the eyes are the hammers, the soul is the piano with many strings. The artist is the hand that plays, touching one key or another purposively, to cause vibrations in the soul." ---Vasily Kandinsky (from Ber Blaue Reiter, expressionist group.)

despite the fact that i don't like his art aesthetically all that much, i must admit I like his idea a lot-- treating art as a means to reach an audience in a spiritual level. I don't think many modern artists attempt that.... wait--- except Antoni Gaudi (Art Nouveau architecht) of which my art history book honors him a whole paragraph (that was sarcasm--- he's my favorite all time architect).... <__<>

if you want a girlfriend

today the common commentary i'm hearing is:
"I wish I had a girlfriend"


or at least people are frustrated with relationships. ok for all those people out there-- here goes

THE INCREDIBLE HANNIA'S FRUSTRATIONAL RELATIONSHIP GUIDE!

1. STOP LOOKING! trust that God knows what He's doing (look at you! if He created you, He most def. has some grasp on what he's doing!)
2. STOP TRYING TO CONTROL WHAT'S BEYOND YOUR CONTROL! the girl is taken, there is no girl, it's the girl, she's not taken, but it's not the time yet-- STOP trying to control what's beyond your powers. instead, just chill, pray, and look how things fall into place. :-D
3. HAVE FAITHHHHHHHHHHHH! what is faith? "Faith is the realization of what is hoped for and evidence of things not seen." (Hebrews 11:1) how to obtain faith? pray for it! say-- look i can't see how this is gnona turn out, and honestly, I don't trust You. but maybe you can help me trust You, or You can help me see You, or You can help me find You, or You can help me find her, or what not. be real with God, and listen, and He'll be real with you.

want someone to hold? it's Christmas time almost. hold baby Jesus-- no one will bring greater joy! nope-- not even a girlfriend! i asuure you of this, because back in 8th grade i wished one time--
"God please give me a boyfriend, i want one!"
and i got what i wished for. so be careful what you wish for-- i should have specified somethings such as--
God I want a boyfriend WHEN
i am mature enough to have one
i can handle a relationship
it will bring You happiness
the other person is ready for a relationship
it's the right person

so now... i don't say "God-- i want a boyfriend".. i say, "God, please prepare me and my future spouse, and give us patience, let us grow deeper in You so we can be more deeply united. let it be at Your time, when You find it fit. with who You find it fit. please let it be before my time of having children has passed me by! amen." lol... but it is my prayer. i don't want a relationship for relationship's sake. i'm ok being single. i don't need a guy, though it'd be nice to have one around. but i rather wait out and have the right thing at the right time, than having the right thing at the wrong time and screwing it up. or having the wrong thing at the right time. or the wrong thing at the wrong time! oh yeah... it gets confusing. :-P hehe well i have to go-- but to all my fellow single friends---
if your vocation is to get married, pray for your spouse and be patient. there IS someone out there for you! God doesn't make mistakes. :)

analysis on hugs

before i go to pray and then sleep i wanted to write a bit, hopefully it won't be too long.

feeling wise-- there's something that you can't express with words. there's somethings that only music or art can express. a hug for example. right now, i wish i could express what i'm feeling with a hug. it'd be tight, it would say something like-- i'm scared. i don't want to hurt you. i don't want to put you through this, i don't want you to go. i don't want you to feel frustrated. why can't it be a little simpler? why couldn't we just coexist and be content with today and what we have today? why do we like each other so?....
is that the purpose of a hug? i never thought about it. i've hugged all sorts of people in all sorts of situations, sometimes for fun, sometimes for comfort, sometimes to say i love you, i need you, i want you, please don't go. sometimes i hug strangers to let them know that i care for them because they are also children of God. so let's see the hugging experience--
ok. there's the bad huggers. they're so scared of how they are perceived that they don't dare hug you right.
there's the ok huggers. you know-- it's a hug, just there, it has no bad meaning, no bad meaning, it's just like bleh.
there's the good huggers, they abandon themselves in a hug, but it's for their own reasons (they like being hugged)
there's the excellent huggers, or at least to me they are. they are willing to express themselves in a hug. when a person is willing to express something in a hug, that's when a hug is good. when they're willing to say i care and you're important to me, that's when it's a good hug. when there's a sort of soul-sharing unexplainable warmth, that's when they're good huggers. those people, they're the excellent huggers, the love-sharers. (not saying that if you're a bad hugger you suck, but it'd be nice if you learned to hug! ;)

ok so why did i explain types of huggers to you?
because
1. hugs for hugs sake are not hugs at all.
2. hugs are wonderful means of expression
3. i want to express something with a hug RIGHT NOW. it's the best form of art that i know right now. i feel this unexplainable feeling that i would know how to express with a hug, and i think the person i was trying to communicate with would understand exactly what i'm trying to say.

my thought for the day

From the first time
that You opened Your eyes
did You realize You would be my Savior?
and the first breath
that left Your lips
did You know that it
would change this world forever?...

I
I celebrate
the day
that You were born
to die
so I can one day pray
that You would save my soul.
--- Relient K, from the album "deck the halls-- bruise your hands"

this will be my thought for today :)

Philippians 4:5-8

Philippians 4:5-8
(5)Your kindness should be known to all. The Lord is near.
(6)Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God.
(7)Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
(8)Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.)

In a conference for youth group CORE members we went to in raleigh there was a story that stuck in my heart-- this kid who was a football player was very involved with his church. a lot of his teammates were also Catholic but wouldn't go to church or youth group. so the kid invited his youth minister and this other football kid to dinner. so they had a conversation very similar to this one:

church kid: hey football kid, you should come to Church, shouldn't he, youth minister?
youth minister: yeah you should. why don't you come to church, football kid?
football joe: because i see the church kid and i don't see any difference in him.

OUCH. Lets go back to scripture:

(5)Your kindness should be known to all. The Lord is near.
*** if we are Christians, we should be able to preach without words. we can invite people to things, we can tell them to change, we can do all sorts of things, but if we are not living for Christ, if we aren't praying or growing in God, then we are merely a facade, and that will not create a change. our KIND actions and attitudes will always be louder than our words! People know when you’re real and when you’re just a poser. Are you a poser, or are you keeping it real?

(6)Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God.
*** by being real, we admit that we are not perfect. however, people seek perfection. They want happiness, they want something more. We CANNOT provide them with that, but through prayers and petitions, we can ask God (who IS perfect) to reveal Himself to people. We should not think that it’s up to us to change people’s hearts. Have no anxiety-- pray about things with faith and watch God work!

(7)Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
*** oh the irony! When we admit that we’re not perfect, that we are weak and that we cannot be good enough on ourselves to bring people to Christ, we start relying on Christ. He IS perfect, and so we stop relying on ourselves. Think about peace—what is peace? And how can we have peace that surpasses all human understanding?

(8)Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
***how can we have all these things on our thoughts more constantly? WHY should we think about such things? How will this affect our relationships?

some food for thought. discuss among yourselves! ;)

Grace by U2

Grace, she takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name

Grace...
It's a name for a girl
It's also a thought that, changed the world
And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness in everything

Grace, she's got the walk
Not on a ramp or on chalk
She's got the time to talk
She travels outside of karma, karma
She travels outside... of karma

When she goes to work, you can hear the strings
Grace finds beauty in everything

Grace...
She carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips between her fingertips
She carries a pearl in perfect condition

What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings...
Because Grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things

Grace finds beauty in everything
__________________________________

i need grace to get healed and be able to forgive, and i can't do things on my own will power. i don't have the want, will, or need to forgive. the only reason why i want to forgive is because i know i hurt God by my unforgiveness and also because that's not the person i want to be. i want to please God, I want to be pure to Him. I realize I'm human, but I realize through my weakness shines His strength, and all my hurt will "no longer stay... because grace makes beauty, out of ugly things." i want to shine a pure light, not a mudded light. i don't want anything to hinder my soul from levitating. i want to fly, i want to levitate, i want to touch the heart of God and be wrapped in Him, i want to be in Him. it's my deepest desire ever. i need grace and i need healing, i'm still hurt. i can't understand why i'm still hurt, why i'm being stubborn in my heart and i can't let go, but i have to. i don't know how to forgive (at ALL) but i'll learn through God, and " hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." (Romans 5:5) it's ok if it takes time, but i will overcome this. not because the person who hurt me is deserving, but because Christ already paid the debt and Christ IS worthy. I hope He'll open my heart and make me new. :)

LONG post

wow... i read yesterday's blog and realized my translation of the song made no sense. translating word play is the hardest thing ever, maybe i should just stick with the "doo wop" songs I can translate so well... like

Dime que puedo pedir,
no tienes, no tienes nada que me
haga seguir,
te falta un shu shu o un qué se yo,
te falta, te falta gracia cuando
hablas de amor.

Tell me-- what can I sak for?
you have nothing, nothing
that would make me follow you
you're missing a shoop shoop
an i don't know what
you're missing, you're missing grace
when you speak of love.

see that was so much easier! those woop woop, shoop shoop songs are freakin' awesome! (tee hee-- oddly enough, that's actually one of my favorite songs. it's good for when you're mad at some random guy, unless he's actually good with words. then it sucks, 'cause you're like crap it. he does have grace when he speaks of love.... :-/ )




ok so blog for today! (lol after a page of rambles!) hmmmm... 3 things to speak of--

1. I FOUND MY PLANNER. you guys have NO idea how much anguish i was in. it was like having permanent amnesia. it's like,

person: so what did you do yesterday?
me: i don't know.
person: are you free tomorrow?
me: I don't know.
person: what are you up to today?
me: i have no idea. when are my exams?
person: which one?
me: THERE'S MORE THAN ONE?!!! CRAP IT! ok... photography?
person:next Tuesday
me: ok.
person: is it a heavy load for you?
me: i don't know
person: geesh do you know anything?!
me: no, i don't. :(
person: *mumbles* you should get a planner *mumbles*
me: what did you say? i'm sorry, i didn't hear you.
person: wondering what other exams you have
me: OTHER EXAMS? which ones?
person: i don't know! i suppose C.A. and art history and the other courses you're taking.
me: what other courses?
person: don't you take french or math or something?
me: i don't know. hey---- when are my exams?
person: which one?
me: photography?

yeah sadly enough.... so NOW I can be up and ready to respond something other than "I don't know". :-D and so i thought--- i'm scatterbrained. as of this year, i've thought i lost 2 VERY important things-- my planner and my card holder (included my debit card, school id, and some gift cards that hold more emotional value than money {in fact, some where prolly used up}) BUT everytime, i pray about it and find it (PRAISE GOD and THANKS be to HIM). ok... so i thought.... what horrible anguish it is when you've lost something and can't find it. (like the shepherd who loses that one sheep, or the lady who loses that one dracma)... and every single soul is SO much worthier than any of my possessions. ANY. ok, you, my reader-- i want to tell you your soul is far more valuable, beautiful, and worthy than my bank money, my school discounts (or free movie and book checkouts at the library) and I will give my memory any day for you (whoever you are, even if you're some random stranger who came across this page by accident, in which case, you're prolly nto reading this bc it's long and it doesn't interest you since you don't know me, but even for you i would give my memory away).

2. ok.... my little cute comparison.
there's this little cute boy. he's 5 years old. pretty blue eyes. dimples. he's the sweetest boy you've ever met. ok. so he sees his dad baking a cake (hey! no sexism! dad's can bake mean cakes too!) ok. so the little sweet boy grabs the sugar, and starts eating it, spoonful by spooful. the dad tells the kid not to, it's gonna make him sick. the boy gives the sugar up with a big tear on his cheek, blushed cheeks and no understanding of why not. His daddy, moved, smiles at him. he picks his sweet big blue eyed boy up, and shows him the process. he says---
"look at these eggs-- would you like to eat them raw?"
the little boy makes a silly face and shakes his head violently. his dad points at the flour, the oil, and all the other ingredients, one by one, would he like to eat them like he did the sugar. the little boy shakes his head and pouts and he just can't understand why he can't have the sugar. the dad looks him straight in the eye.
"ah sweetie. you know i love you right?"
the little kid looks with his big eyes at his dad. he shakes his head yes. his dad smiles and gives him a huge kiss on his blushed cheeks, wipes away the tears, and puts him down on the floor again.
"good. you'll have to trust me then... do you trust me?"
the little boy finally smiles shyly and says "yes daddy."

the dad keeps on preparing the cake. he's finally done. he takes the cake out of the oven as the child, wide eyed sees the scrumptious cake. the dad smiles. the kid asks for a piece. the dad says-- "now we'll have to wait a sec."
the child throws a fit. He didn't eat the sugar! why can't he get his piece of cake??? life is just NOT fair! the father can't reason with the child because the child's tantrum is so loud the dad's voice is not heard anymore.
so the dad cuts the cake. gives his child a piece and warns him-- it's mad hot, you're gonna get burnt. the child is blinded by his own want. he dives into the cake. his tongue has never felt such burnt before. he cries again. the dad says, "i told you so!"

now given most nice dads wouldn't cut the cake for the child, that's not how the story goes--

the child throws a fit. He didn't eat the sugar! why can't he get his piece of cake??? life is just NOT fair! the father can't reason with the child because the child's tantrum is so loud the dad's voice is not heard anymore.
so the dad remains silent. he hurts for his child, he wants to give the piece to his child, he understands that the child has been good and that the child does indeed deserve the cake. but before that, he doesn't want to see his child hurt. the child continues to throw a tantrum. the sweet boy sometimes leaves the room for the spoiled one to enter. so the daddy patiently waits, rolls his eyes, waits some more. the child, seeing that his tantrum is not going to get him the piece of cake, quiets a little. he's still crying, but his rage is no longing blinding him from seeing his dad. his dad is so ery patient, sits him on his lap. "look.. i understand you want some cake. i want to give you some cake. however, if you got a piece of cake right now, you would burn your tongue. now, i will give you your piece of cake, but i suggest you wait for it to cool down. touch it with your finger first, that way you'll know when you can eat it, ok?" the child says yes. the dad cuts the cake and gives him a hot piece. the child can put it straight in his mouth, but he listened to his dad, so he puts his finger. OUCH! it's hot! the boy waits... the dad gives him some milk. finally, the cake cools off, and the little boy didn't burn his tongue. :)

3. it's a beautiful day
don't let it get away!
it's a beautiful day
Touch me
Take me to that other place
Teach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case ....
See the world in green and blue
See China right in front of you
See the canyons broken by cloud
See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out
See the Bedouin fires at night
See the oil fields at first light
And see the bird with a leaf in her mouth
After the flood all the colors came out

It was a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
Beautiful day

no es lo mismo ser que estar
no es lo mismo estar que quedarse... que va!
tampoco quedarse es igual que parar
no es lo mismo
sera que ni somos, ni estamos,
ni nos pensamos quedar
pero es distinto conformarse o pelear
no es lo mismo... es distinto
no es lo mismo arte que hartar
no es lo mismo ser justo que ¡qué justo te va!... verás
no es lo mismo tú que otra, entérate
no es lo mismo
que sepas que hay gente que trata de confundirnos
pero tenemos corazón que no es igual,
lo sentimos... es distinto
-- Alejandro Sanz

hehe it means--
it's not the same being than to be
it's not the same to be than to stay... psh!
neither is the same to stay than to stop
it's not the same
maybe it is that we are not (beings), we are not
and we don't think we're gonna stay
but it's different to comform than to fight
is not the same... it's different
it's not the same to do art than to annoy
it's not the same you're just than you're just getting by... you see
it's not the same you than someone else.
be informed that is not the same
there's people that try to confuse us
but we have a heart... that's not the same
it's different.... (Alejandro Sanz)


so i have no idea. at all. i wish i could give a straight forward answer, but how can i if i don't know? i rather admit i don't know. ----

i don't know.

and this person accepted so graciously. that does not mean we're meant to be.... but i'm certain that his future holds a pearl in it's hands for him.

desserted island stuff for me:
my Bible
a mansion (with running water, electricity, gas, and internet)
my husband
lifetime supply of tortillas, mozarella cheese, salsa, and beef.... along with a garden that grows corn, potaoes, broccoli, tomatoes, onions, peaches, apples, and oh-- how could i forget? avocadoes.
lots of books (on everything)
pain killers (i can get pregnant....)
hmmmmmmmmmm that's it. :)

collage poem

aww... cute kid. i can relate, it's like me a couple of years ago. and the potential is revealed, you see how far you've gone and how far you have to go, and suddenly, you look forward to it all. shoot even the struggles. you realize, wow, i'm much better... and i can get way better!

so anyway.

so many things today. i was renewed in hope. i was reminded of humbleness. ha it's funny how when someone sorta tries to bring you up, you're humbled. at least for me, it usually works that way (maybe i'm just weird)...

what did i see today? i saw--
vision for a blind man
words from a soft heart
words for a soft heart
i saw a mirror of thoughts
mirror of frustrations

in your eyes i saw a cry for resolution
and in my voice, i carried questions
the same melody in different keys
same tune with different instruments
so it comes down to basically
walking
carpe diem
holding our breath and pausing
we could try and run together
running wildly like primitive beasts
but beasts are prey and preyed on
i rather stand here
look at your eyes and pause time
kite,
the wind blows
and i don't know where it takes us
but right now
your eyes glimmer
the wind is gentle
and i'd like to stand
and pause time
let tomorrow come
this moment with you prepares me

here

one brief comment before i start-- our law is love. our law is compassion. people forget that, they want to become legalistic, or rationalize things, or rationalize their racism and other things through supposed "information" without considering that sometimes what is most reasonable is not most charitable or morally correct. sometimes, our minds have to be put aside and just love. i know this made prolly no sense to anyone, but i had to say it. :)

arg...

so i had a wonderful break. now.... well... it's back to school, away from Stephen and Theresa and hanging out and back to stressing out. of course, i'm not currently doing anything, when i should be working my butt off, i'm procrastinating. arg.

i'm here
i want to be found
i want to feel alive
and dance my way through life

i'm here
come and rescue me
from my own self...

i feel numb today. i don't know why. like i put my hope is something false and that false thing crashed and burned. yet, in my heart, i know i've trusted God. i haven't let Him down. my heart belongs to Him, and He knows it. He loves me, and i know it. but my heart... it feels numb. maybe it's my time to feel numb. you know? maybe i'm levitating and i don't know it? no no, the feeling's not of peace, but of numbness... like the world spinned 300 times slower. that's it. my break went by so fast, and now we're back at regular speed. maybe my heart has been a little infidel today. instead of a thankful heart (the usual) my heart was more of complaint. I never directly said "grr God! why are you making me go back to this?" but i think i've felt like that all day (disclaimer to the person on the outside of myself: i love what i'm doing, i love ECU, i love my life... i truly love art, my life would be so boring without it-- i only feel like another part of me is missing when school starts again, because i don't generally get to hang out with people, or not as much as i'd want to). so, no i'm not mad at God-- i see the greater plan. i know my schooling is mac daddy important. my heart bows down every time i think of the many blessings He pours out on me, and prolly my third or fourth one would be art school. this semester i'm lucky to have pretty good and nice professors. so it's not that. i hope everyone understands i am grateful, i can find a lot of joy in the small things God gives me, so I can definetely rejoice in the big ones (and He knows I am eternally endebted through love)........... (haha-- it's like i'm endebted in monopoly money, whatver He gives me I want to give back. anyhow!...)

i will come back and write something, since my computer was messed up i couldn't, but maybe now i will! :)

silence

if wishes could ever come true..... *sigh*

i don't know what to say right now. i'm home alone right now, my mom, grandma, uncle, and aunt went to an outlet in Smithfield, Miguel is in school, and i'm here in this silence. now a couple of years ago, maybe this silence would have driven me insane, but now, silence and i can coexist. in fact, silence usually speaks some gentleness and peace to my heart....

so there's this complete silence in my house, right?
silence allows me to focus on other things than the noise out there. I start listening to little things I never noticed.

i shall now practice silence. of the mind, the heart, my mouth, my eyes.... i shall become a person who radiates a peaceful silence.
don't be upset about silence, it's not the absence of noise, but the substance of introspection. it's the substance of growth.

[feeling pain and suffering is not the lack of happiness, but the prelude to deeper sensitivity and renewal. pain and suffering are a awakening to development, an open door to greater freedom, a way to ask for healing and being restored, being built from scratch. i hope you know this. i hope your faith can carry you through tough times with grace. i hope you don't take all the burden on you, because i'm open to sharing pain. i hope you know that. and i hope mourning won't take the best of you, but instead, through mourning you can become even cleaner and stronger.... all things work out for the best (trust me)...... don't fall, you were meant to rise]

my 6:22 post

and i wish people could understand alcohol is not to get drunk, only to drink modestly to prevent heart disease and blood clogs
i wish people understood their actions not only pertain to them, but to God, and if they're good it brings great joy to His heart, but if they're bad, His heart breaks, it shatters, He wants to be with you and bring you that peace you wish for, but you push Him away. not only do actions pertain to God, but these people's actions also affect their family and friends.... I'm concerned with them, i want them to be happy on their own and not to abuse a substance in order to forget or have fun. i wish they understood that there IS someone who truly loves and cares... i wish they understood peace IS possible through God.
I wish they didn't think i was just lying or naive or being preachy.... i wish they understood, i wish they could see God, see His holy face entirely made up of love. if they could open their eyes, if they attempted to open their eyes, their repentance would be the sweetest fragrance anyone has ever smelled. their repentance would be full of beauty and God embraces the repenting hearts, it restores them, and makes them new. fills them with a substance overflowing, the greatest substance any being can posses.


the substance is love. this substance does not impair your beautiful mind, it does not make you forget, it allows you to cope and forgive and move on. it allows you to grow and appreciate and see clearly as God sees.




i wish they only knew.

my 6:22 post

and i wish people could understand alcohol is not to get drunk, only to drink modestly to prevent heart disease and blood clogs
i wish people understood their actions not only pertain to them, but to God, and if they're good it brings great joy to His heart, but if they're bad, His heart breaks, it shatters, He wants to be with you and bring you that peace you wish for, but you push Him away. not only do actions pertain to God, but these people's actions also affect their family and friends.... I'm concerned with them, i want them to be happy on their own and not to abuse a substance in order to forget or have fun. i wish they understood that there IS someone who truly loves and cares... i wish they understood peace IS possible through God.
I wish they didn't think i was just lying or naive or being preachy.... i wish they understood, i wish they could see God, see His holy face entirely made up of love. if they could open their eyes, if they attempted to open their eyes, their repentance would be the sweetest fragrance anyone has ever smelled. their repentance would be full of beauty and God embraces the repenting hearts, it restores them, and makes them new. fills them with a substance overflowing, the greatest substance any being can posses.


the substance is love. this substance does not impair your beautiful mind, it does not make you forget, it allows you to cope and forgive and move on. it allows you to grow and appreciate and see clearly as God sees.




i wish they only knew.

purpose

oh so many songs leap in my heart right now, and all i want to say is....

there is a universal law and we should be grateful for it. the law? LOVE! Love never fails. (1 Cor. 13) I know there's people out there that feel unloved, ashamed, broken. Shoot--- I'm broken, ashamed, and sometimes i feel unappreciated. To all those people, seek deeper. Seek for a greater love. Don't you see? God chases your heart.... He wants to just fill you with extravagant love... He wants you to become pure and holy, like He created you to be. I know i'm very lacking, and I understand I might not be the best example of it, but I strive to get there. And i think if we all truly strived.... can you imagine what this world would be like?

Yeah... you pessimist! I hear your voice. It will never be like that, the world is corrupt, it's broken, it's filled with filth and shame, and all sorts of bad things. I agree it is. But isn't the world also filled with beauty, healing, and peace? Doesn't someone's warm embrace mean more than someone's rudeness? Love always wins.

I wish I could be an eye opener.... I know people think I'm blinded, and I must admit in a way I am. I'm extremely biased. God makes you change.... He changes the way you see things, He changes your actions, attitudes and thoughts... So why should you listen to me if I'm biased? Because if you were biased like me, inner peace would flow out of you, love would radiate from your pores, your inner rhythm would be in tune to the heartbeat of God. What would matter if the world crumbles around you if inside you're radiating, you have a higher hope....

Do you understand this? If you had a higher hope, earthly things banish, they become miniscule. Not to say they won't hurt, but the new found perspective will surely ease and heal the pain MUCH quicker. so---- where's your hope? WHERE is YOUR hope? is it in relationships? school? work? those things... they're so ephemeral! do you see this? think about it.

family-- you'll move out soon enough, you'll be out of your parent's house in a heartbeat...

friends-- they move, they fade, they are swallowed by distance, busyness, and new

relationships.... relationships? supposing you get lucky and you find your perfect match RIGHT NOW-- chances are, that person IS human, and thus, can't bring you complete happiness, bc hapiness is found within and that person CANNOT change your own attitude and thoughts.... also, supposing both of you get married and the other person dies first, what about life after the person dies? you have to live on!...

school-- oh believe me, school time passes by VERY quickly, i'm almost done...

work-- dive yourself into work and see you NOT leave 1 single legacy behind. if your dream is to be a famous writer, artist, scientist, or what not... chances are 1 in 100000000000000000 that you will NOT appear in a history book.... not to say you're not important, but think of 10 Nobel prize winners, and then tell me 10 of your friends. who's more iportant to YOU personally?

anyhow... my point is-- think about your purpose, you are important, and you were created with a purpose. find out what God's purpose in your life is. :)

radiate

radiate [10/25/04 10:27 PM]
open up
flower of fragrant scent
your fear blinds you
your failures
surround you
gigantically somber
but you carry beauty within
you forgot...
the winter left you so cold
you forgot the colors you were meant to radiate...

some drama

yep... drama happens. i feel like i'm between the sword and the wall (it's a spanish saying to say you're stuck in the middle of something ugly) or so i think, anyhow. maybe i'm creating all the drama in my mind? either way-- i care for all 3 people involved... and I know it will all have a happy ending. :) (where's your treasure? where's your hope? ;) switchfoot "gone")

aside from that... the morning was so fine today! it smelled of a cool distant fragrance. it made me smile and have a lovely day. then it rained, but i had a spare umbrella in my locker by chance, so i didn't get wet at ALL! :-D yay!

i guess i don't have any deep thoughts today. it's like i have writer's block... hmmmm...

:)

i never said my rose story... i got a rose from God Himself last friday. made my month! shoot maybe even my year! (hahahahaha... it's pretty impossible to exceed the love God has for me (or for any of you, as a matter of fact))

God rocks more than you'll ever know or fathom.....

Hebrews 11:1,3
(1) Faith is the realization of what is hoped for and evidence of things not seen.
(3) By faith we understand that the universe was ordered by the word of God, so that what is visible came into being through the invisible.

ah! makes me want to dive into a silent universal mystery.... i want to be a mystic. i want to search the depths of the heart of God, i want to get carried away.... (violins play in an passionate melody) lol...


about my week... they say time flies when you're having fun and i suppose it must be true, bc time is flying, slipping, jumping off the ledge of my hands. it's soaking through me. hmmmmmmmm is time shining through me? i don't think it is... i think i've wasted time, and wasted time.... is it like a deferred dream... does it explode?

psychoanalysis

I messed up my project again. If i could only figure out HOW it'd be wonderful. Gr for frustration. frustration sucks!


i was psychoanalyzing myself today. I realized maybe i haven't let go things of when i was around 5 or 6 years old. it surprised me that i remember little occurrences when i was a little kid, and even more surprised to know they still hurt. oh well. not a big deal. just interesting i suppose. i have NO idea of how i came about thinking of such occurences, more the least why now. i was pondering about sunkist and if they were trying to make a subliminal message by really meaning sinkist and masking it. then i got on the ball of subliminal appealing to the subconscious. then i believe that i was like... well they say there's a lot of repression in your subconscious that you let out in your dreams, but quite honestly, my dreams are prolly as moralistic as i am, if not more... (i can COUNT with one hand the number of times when my dreams did not match up with my true standards and ideas). so i have absolutely no idea how i started thinking of that one instance in kindergarten when i had a little boyfriend. well, it was common knowledge in the kindergarten population that i had a boyfriend. and this kid-- he was a pretty little kid if i can say so myself. brown hair, green eyes. the whole deal. anyhow-- one day the teacher stepped out, and the kid came up to me and asked for a kiss. first of all-- i'm a kidergartener. second of all, i liked him and all... but a KISS! WHOA! buddy! back off, were not gonna get married tomorrow. third of all, i'm in front of the class (I don't know why... i msut have been sharpening my pencil or something).... anyhow.... i have this huge blackout in my mind, where i don't remember what exactly happened, all i can remember is feeling extremely self-conscious since all my classmates ganged up around us and asked us to kiss... so self-conscious is not the word, it's more like..... embarrased. i don't think i've been so embarrassed in my whole entire life. anxiety crawls all over me, like little fire ants waiting to sting. i started crying in frustration, anger, embarrasment, and hurt? hate? i don't know. my face was hiding-- i can't remember if i crawled into a corner and dug my face into it, or if i just covered my face with my hands or arms the only thing i remember is that my face was covered in shame. and then-- the blackout. i don't recall what stopped it, who stopped it, what happened exactly. I know he didn't kiss me, or at least i don't remember him kissing me.

why did i say all of that? NO idea. i guess i'm still trying to sort out what all of this means, and why i'm thinking about it today..... and trying to forgive myself for liking a kid, trying to forgive the kid for being silly. i see it now as an adult, he was just a kid, he wouldn't have sexually harassed me or anything, but back then my instincts didn't know that, they just knew the whole situation didn't feel right and i had a fight or flight response.... hahahaha talk about psychoanalysis.... now i wonder how it's all affecting me in current relationships? or if it affects me at all....

yay grr

GR! my photography project screwed up--- AGAIN!!!! GR DAGGONE IT FIDDLESTICKS! but it's ok... yesterday was fantabulous...

Venetian balcony (GORGEOUS!)

oh i think my feet were a little swollen now and then.  

I was eaten by a huge whale in Barcelona about 1 1/2 years ago... oh those were the days.... (notice the ironic shirt) 

3 signs for faith

Habakkuk 2:3
For the vision still has its time, presses on to fulfillment, and will not disappoint; If it delays, wait for it, it will surely come, it will not be late.

:) Courtney's words of encouragement.

"you're a beautiful girl. it should serve some consolation"

Mike's words of encouragement.

"Hebrews 11"

Patrick's words of encouragement.

when i'm feeling low and like maybe God can't/won't fulfill His promise, He sends message that He will. and I'm certain that He will, because "Faith is the realization of what is hoped for and evidence of things not seen." (Hebrews 11:1) So what more evidence needs my heart than 3 signs? God rocks my socks! WOOT!

V

Her black sleek shoes are abused. They were meant for dancing, for a party, for glamour. Today, a dark cold rainy evening, they are covered in thick mud. Her face, beautiful and gentle, was smeared with black mascara. Her body, fragile, covered in black silk... how she loved him! how she wished she was elsewhere, how she wished she could have done something before. Regret. Frustration. Pain. Mourning.... part of her was buried with him.
She put mascara on. She wished to be beautiful still. But why? Her day started with mere thoughts of him. But he was no longer in this dimension... He could no longer touch her face or tell her it was all going to be all right. He would no longer see her. beautiful for who? For the dirt? For the falling leaves in a peaceful place? Or was it for the rain? Could the rain appreciate her efforts to look beautiful? Would the rain tell her she looked beautiful?
She woke up in the middle of the night. Tomorrow they would see each other. Her face lit up, shining in that dark cold night. She wished he lied beside her, so that she might embrace him, hold him close, tell him how much he meant to her. She slowly drifted into a pleasant sleep, as she thought of him. But the phone rang. Bad news. His best friend, sobbing, tortured soul-- she told how he had died in a car crash. He had drunk... who knows? ten.. twelve... forty beers? what does it matter? he died, he is gone.
the sunset's melody made her smile. she had so much life and want in her. patience was much easier when she thought he was coming tomorrow. she glowed, she sang. she cleaned her house. she danced in a silly fashion all around her house. she cooked with such a contempt, with such ease. she sang her happiest song.
he called during lunch break. he let her know he'd be in town tomorrow. she smiled and made plans in her mind.
she struggled. she couldn't allow him to do this. she believed getting drunk was wrong. she had never had more than a pina colada. she couldn't believe anyone would choose to impair their mind, put themselves at a risk for such a great loss. however, she swallowed her words. she couldn't tell him. she couldn't tell him she cared so much. she couldn't tell him not to do as he chose. that would imply being nosy, it would imply a break in their friendship. it would make her judgemental and harsh. it would make her old-fashioned. geek. naive, slow. stupid. she chose a deep silence that stung her heart.
she struggled. she couldn't allow him to do this. she believed getting drunk was wrong. she had never had more than a pina colada. she couldn't believe anyone would choose to impair their mind, put themselves at a risk for such a great loss.slowly, thoughtfully, she let her heart speak. she had to tell him. she cared too much to let him fall. it was his decision in the end, but she had to share her heart and her thoughts on his actions. isn't love like this? aren't you supposed to go through fire and hardships? refinement through fire. she understood she could never change anyone, it was only possible to change herself. but maybe she could have a bit of an impact on someone...
he called during lunch break. he let her know he'd be in town tomorrow. she smiled and made plans in her mind.
the sunset's melody made her smile. she had so much life and want in her. patience was much easier when she thought he was coming tomorrow. she glowed, she sang. she cleaned her house. she danced in a silly fashion all around her house. she cooked with such a contempt, with such ease. she sang her happiest song.
She woke up in the middle of the night. Tomorrow they would see each other. Her face lit up, shining in that dark cold night. She wished he lied beside her, so that she might embrace him, hold him close, tell him how much he meant to her. She slowly drifted into a pleasant sleep, as she thought of him. the sound of silence was always the sound of peace.
She put mascara on. She wished to be beautiful this morning full of hope. she looked forward to this day, the day he'd arrive. she slipped her pretty red dress on, and those sleek black shoes she loved. her face , fragile and young, glowed warmth.
they went to dinner. her shoes tapped the wood floor. they swinged danced through the night.

humbleness

Sometimes it's embarrassing to talk to You
To hold a conversation with the only
One who sees right through
This version of myself
I try to hide behind
I'll bury my face
because my disgrace
will leave me terrified

And sometimes
I'm so thankful for
Your loyalty
Your love regardless of the mistakes I make will spoil me
My confidence is, in a sense,
a gift You've given me
And I'm satisfied to realize
You're all I'll ever need

-- relient k (i am understood?)


humbleness i need. a humble heart. you know what a pathetic piece of worthlessness i am? i am a tiny grain of sand in an eternal galaxy. i make mistakes at a rate faster tahn the speed of light. yet...... ah i'm covered in great mercy.

someone posed a very interesting question to me the other day (namely Kelly Rowe).. she asked, "if you advance spiritually, and you know it, have you relaly advanced? or is it that you really haven't because then you're losing your humbleness by thinking you've advanced..."
and it was sorta a good question. my answer was... it is advancing, you're recognizing the work God is doing in you. the problem is when we claim the work as our own.

have i been doing that?

in everything i do, in all my growth, even in my suffering, i want to acknowledge God.

you know-- i'm such a wimp. i'm weak, i'm dumb, and i err oh so much!... and if you think about it-- it's pretty the same for everyone. we're all full of weaknesses. taht's the beauty of it. we're all empty and worthless, and God, He's the one who fills and overflows. He's the life giver, the creator, the brian behind everything. if we do anything good, is through Him. He's the giver of strenght. :) and we should acknowledge Him through all our actions. :)

cold outside warm bed

i'm here
to meet with You
come and meet with me
I'm here
to find You
reveal Yourself to me....

randomness...

all righty... well I had a lovely trip to the park with Kelly. I had a lovely chat with Stephen... sadly enough... I haven't done ANY school work. and I need to get rolling with THAT... arg for procrastination...

i don't know who reads this or how many people. but i thought if she did, i'd let her know-- Theresa, I miss ya. I thought about you today, and I was like... man... i miss Theresa. haha.... no particular reason i guess....jsut melancholy maybe.

hey you notice how every time you get used to something, it changes? what am I tlaking about?... I started to get completely used to Conley, I knew most teachers, I could tell where all the classrooms where, I knew the drill.. what to do if this, what to do if that. you get used to your friends there. you get used to their company, you get used to the way they are. then, bam! you graduate, and you have to start ALL over again. and i really believe that's how life is in general. things change when you're getting accustomed... i guess it's like sleeping in a nice warm bed, and then you ahve to wake up to the cold winter morning. sure you're looking forward to going to school and doing art, and even some interactions with people, but your bed is so nice and comfy and soft and warm and you're like... arg! can't the world just come to me?

sadly the answer is no.

so you wake up, and you get out of the bed, cold and complaining. but then, you're fine. it's lovely and sunny. :)

where is the love?

ok... blogs are PUBLIC! if you don't want me to read it, don't make it PUBLIC! that's my theory.... if you had a sucky day, tell me about it instead of getting mad at me for something entirely stupid and pointless. if it's so personal, don't publish it and advertise it! i'm glad you're taking a nap... sleep should calm the storms.

man i was having such a good day too... i was feeling pretty, i was smiling at Jesus. i was thankful for my job, thankful for school, thankful for everything.... and you come in yelling at me......


anyhow.... like i said, it was a lovely day... i worked, and it was just lovely. i keep wanting to live an alternate life, one full of suspense and intrigue, but quite honestly.... i don't think i was made for such a life. i'm meant to live a little simple life. you know, get to work, chat with friends, love and allow people to love me. communication is so wonderful. it allows for expression and growth.... it allows for me to see what you see and for someone else to see what i see....


oh i was thinking the other day--
my favorite movies, they all end in death... you know-- Big Fish, Life is Beautiful... and i was like, wow, am I a depressing individual? so I analyzed it... no not at all.... these movies are lovely because death is the perfect ending (in these cases)... granted i wish no one pain, i have a better hope. how sad would existence be if i had no hope for a better and grander future. I'm all about carpe diem, but i'm also all about decisions and consequences. anyhow. in these movies, the main characters are promised a better land. April and i were talking about it yesterday, and it turns out that there's a thing in the Bible were it answers why do good people die? well... because God wanted to prevent these wonderful people from further suffering. it makes perfect sense to me. death is wonderful. it's a leap of faith, a moment in a pendulum, a ceasing breath, a skip of a heart beat, and you change into a different state of being... a new radiant one! what better ending!
:-D

some poetry... blah blah blah...

i wrote 2 poems, one is actually like 3 phrases put together, but i thought it was kinda cool..

your eyes
of clear water
morning dew
of a night soul
lovely
true
and i wait...
desert lilley
sprung of Heavenly touch
mystical
distant
and i wait...
subtle light
softly spoken
hopeful whisper
of a soul
and i wait....

______________________________

in the stillness
of a tree
silence spoken
in a leaf...
______________________________

yep....

well my day has been all right... i've been complaining of not enough drama, but really.... internally there's this whole drama going on, and i really don't need external drama, just something good and surprising to happen. then again, i can't be surprised if i'm expecting a surprise, right? tee hee... i'm silly... life is good, and i can't complain :) i shouldn't complain. :)

ha it's good to be reciprocated once in a while....

well have a lovely day y'all....

beautiful wedding

wow it's been a little more than a week since i wrote last! tells you how busy i've been....

well... let's see... first of all i have 10000 things to do and i feel like i won't have time to do all of them, problem is I HAVE to do them. oh well... i'll just have to cope with everything.

my weekend was stupendous. my cousin got married and she looked gorgeous. her dress was beautifully white and she radiated. she glowed. her veil had little tiny sparkles that shimmered, it seemed Heaven had sprinkled Holy dew upon her. the mass was just beautiful. yes-- i did cry. the priest spoke so wonderfully-- he just said she looked like a queen (which she did) and it was such a nice sermon. i think what activated my tears was when he said "... and as you look into the other person's eyes you see a bit of eternity...." *eyes water up* hahaha... then my cousin said her vows and her voice cracked and my cousin (her older sister) started crying, my mom started crying, and of course, i'd been crying a little while now.... oh we were a sad bunch! :-P ha, it was great. everything was beautiful and i dare say pretty close to perfect in my opinion.

then in the afterwards party, there was the dance. she hates the spotlight, so whenever they would dance she would look away (hahaha amazingly enough, i can relate... it's like, you don't want to do something so personal and intimate in front of bunches of people). he couldn't take his eyes off her.... he also glowed, he looked so happy.... i felt like that should be their moment, like i shouldn't be intruding. i felt like it was a crime against humanity to sit there, watching this couple in love dance as if for my own spectacle when they should dance with each other instead of in front of me. so i watched away. then i came back to it, curious.... her nose rested in his neck. and she looked so fragile, vulnerable... her face was hidden from the world, and he... he looked as though the world didn't exist. her fragility made him look stronger and weaker. her fragility was so wonderful though, she relied on him, and he relied on her. their shared fragility made them solid. so i smiled, and turned away, thoughtful....

as for now, photography graphic design, grocery shopping, breakfast, and picking up something from the mailbox all await....

Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening
by Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

sorry... felt like posting that poem.... i've felt like that a lot lately, like, oh it would be so lovely to stop here.... but i have promises to keep and miles to go before i sleep.... no further explanation to that poem besides that....

i went to take pictures today. it was beautiful. i went to the park in front of St. Peters and everything is so calm and still..... i know most people long for someone, they want someone to share every beautiful thing with. well... i must admit it would be nice to have that, but i did enjoy the time with myself. it's you and the trees. you and the silence. you and the camera. you and the squirrels. maybe i wasn't all by myself after all... haha... that's prolly what it is-- I feel so at peace with God that He allows my soul to be at peace. maybe that's all that a soul is looking form peace with God. So the world spins out of control, everything changes, everything is corrupt and defiled, but the soul, if at peace with God, can enjoy the silent song of the reverent trees. let the earth spin out control, gretaer hope gives peace and beauty is revealed where people thread....

maybe that's why i'm enjoying photography. it's like allowing people to see what you see. it's allowing people to try to see things a little differently so they can see the beauty too.


"Grace, she carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips between her fingertips
She carries a pearl in perfect condition
What once was hurt, what once was friction
What left a mark no longer stains
Because Grace makes beauty out of ugly things
Grace finds beauty in everything
Grace finds goodness in everything"
(Grace by U2)


hahah melancholy rocks some times....

God as an artist!

My dad and uncle leave today to go back to Guam yet with another company. I get to see Stephen this thursday. I get to go to Mexico next weekend. I get to be home alone with Miguel a week after that. then my mom will come back with my uncle, aunt, and grandma. It's a non-stop fluctuation of people! (my house is!) well i guess i ought to be happy about that....

as for my regular life-- well.... i've thought some things out yesterday. a girl's shirt def. spoke to me it said "2 Cor. 5: (something) we walk by faith and not by sight..." and i really needed that. i have faith that God's plan will be carried out, not because of the abilities of people, not because of my own desires, but because God has an infinite plan, eternal knowledge, undending love, a mysterious Spirit, and perfect timing. I have to trust and believe in that. That's my reason for living. I have no reason to believe God will not carry out His plan. He's always been faithful, and He always will be, because that's His nature-- He's all goodness. How can i choose myself over Him? I can't. when i face Him my heart melts. I become putty. and He molds me into His image. Oh how beautifully everything works out! :) last night we sung out... and i mean this:
"Jesus You are my best friend
You will always be
and nothing will ever change that"

i understand i'm human, i mess up. but how can i say no to Him? He's my reason, my all in all. I'm me because of Him. Without Him i'd be some bitter hateful vengeful person. I really believe that. I read in the book of Wisdom something so beautiful:
Wisdom 13:1
For all men were by nature foolish who were in ignorance of God, and who from the good things seen did not succeed in knowing him who is, and from studying the works did not discern the artisan;

as an artist i can appreciate this statement. First of all, because well... comparing God to an artist makes me feel a little more important. then I thought how true it is! we see His works, and we don't stop to say-- I see Your hand in this. thank you. how blind are we? we see the beauty, we see little miracles happen, and we don't say "surey God is great! allelluia." why are we losing ourselves in what is visible when visible things are merely ephimeral and made of dust? it's like giving credit to the painting instead of the artist. like saying "waterlillies holds life" NO! wait-- waterlillies holds life because Monet is amazing and could make it resemble life. yet waterlillies does NOT hold life. we remember Monet. we study Monet. i mean, we study techniques and colors and everything in waterlillies, but we acknowledge waterlillies wasn't self-created. it's only a piece of canvas, and some paint. whether you like that painting or not doesn't matter, what matters is that Monet was a great artist and is known as such. is such with God-- He fills us with life, He blesses us and we just see the blessings and what is visible. But what about the awesome force that made it happen? what about the perfect artist who planned the perfect composition with all elements of art? You see this-- even as comparing God to an artist we need to remember God is bigger than any artist-- His artwork is perfectly pleasing. perfection is not from this earth, and so it's hard to think about it.
anyhow... i gotta go do lots of things! among them photography, c.a., art history, and french and math. oh yeah.... and be thankful. :) God is wonderful.