letting go

so i'm having this personal issue... i have to learn to let go.

of what?

oh so many things! my dad for one. he works far away and so he comes and he leaves so often. that's become a little easier with time, in fact, i could prolly even say i'm used to it.for another, my past. i seem to want to cling to the way things used to be. mostly friends. i miss my friends and the way they used to be. i miss their laughter and their stories and that feeling of protection when you feel vulnerable. i miss high school. i miss the caring teachers and the class clowns and the completely irrelevant stories teachers sometimes told. i miss having a teacher for a full year, or a class for a full year for that matter. granted bad teachers were a pain in the butt to have for a whole year, the good teachers were so much worth having a bad teacher for a whole year. and quite honestly, i can only think of one teacher who was unbearable, so the trade works out fine. anyhow! letting go of grudges. i've prayed this for about... ummm... a little while now. the grudge is not gone. but on Monday, God spoke to me, and apparently i have to go back to each of the painful instances, forgive her for it and believe that Christ's blood is enough to cover that.... it'd be oh so much easier if i knew the person was sorry for hurting me, for giving me nightmares, for everything. but you know what? i can't control those factors, i can control my response to the hurt, not her actions or feelings, or pride or whatever. i fear seeing her. i fear the day we'll meet, but as Shanno said, i will only see her when it's time. the day i forgive her (truly and fully) that's the day i'll see her. in my mind, i'll tell her how much she hurt me, but that's because i haven't forgiven her yet, so when i forgive her i don't know what i'll say. i'm sure i won't be the happiest person in the world that day, but hopefully i won't be brought down either.
what else to let go? hmmmm... past mistakes, fears, anxiety. what else? present mistakes, fears, anxiety. what else? a boyfriend going off to college. ouch. don't get me wrong, i'm proud he goes to college and that he's as smart as he is, i'm happy he's building a better future, i'm happy that he will get fed (mentally) i'm happy he's independent and that he will see ducks and a roommate again. i'm happy he'll see his college acquaintances. i'm glad he gets his pillow back. i hope he'll get really cool teachers that will provide not only secular education but hopefully also valuable life lessons. all that said, i'll start my little selfish ramble-- is not that i don't want him to go, in my mind i understand that it's what's best, and i'd have it no other way. i know we'll be ok, we're good at communication via e-mail, aim, and sometimes even telephone. i know distance is actually prolly even a plus in our relationship (refines it, puts it through a fire of constant hardship that makes us grow a little closer) but it's like waking up.... it's like that morning feeling of "my bed is so warm, nice, comfy, why must i get up?" now once you get up, you have a lovely day, but that initial feeling.... that same feeling i have right now. i know i'll be ok, i know he'll be ok too. but must he really leave? can't he stay? no. ok. well, i thought maybe i could hit the snooze, but we all know you must not be late to school or work or whatever. it's fine, it's a lovely day outside, the sunshine hits my eyes with it's warm light, yes, i'm waking up. yes, my comfortability will be sacrificed, but a productive day awaits. *stretch, yawn, and grumble a little, for the comfortability lost....*