i'm so flawed

and i started contemplating-- do i have it easier than other people? i mean sure, i haven't lost a parent, sibling, or extremely close friend. i am healthy, i'm studying what i like.

my life is pretty easy.... or so it seems...
i'm not gonna say my life is extremely complex, or hard, but it's not as easy as some might make it to be.

i hated myself for it.

why can't i share in the suffering? why can't i too say-- i've been throught it, and you can't throw *that on my face. *(you don't know how it feels... )

and then i remembered back in the day when everyone else was stable except for me, i had to move and live behind most of what i knew. and yeah, it felt bad, and i felt completely MISUNDERSTOOD, i felt bad no one could relate to my experiences. i felt like i didn't connect with anyone else in this planet, because in this planet there is no one who is exactly like me. no one who thinks, feels, and has the same circumstances as me. and i felt so alone, so alienated.

one day i realized that all of it was true--- no human being could ever fully understand me. and i felt cheated, vulnerable, lonely.

through that i learned that God understands me. He created my mind, emotions, and He understands circumstances. He understands why i do the things i do, and why other people do the things they do. i stopped trying to understand people too--- sometimes it hurts me the way they do things--- but i hurt people too, and most of the time, i don't mean to. in fact, i don't think i've ever intentionally tried to hurt someone before.

ok.. so where am i going?

you're right. you ARE misunderstood, but be at peace. there is someone who understands you, and it just happens to be one who loves you unconditionally.

also, be at peace-- we all fail at times in our relationships. i can say i failed at building one with Mason because of a comment i said. i realize that i'm really "funny" when it comes to things-- i expect people to forgive me but i'm not good at forgiving . (working on it though)... i mean, ok, honestly-- i can overlook minor details, but once you hurt me deep, it's hard for me to see you as the individual i once liked. NOT true with all cases, but with most, i would say.... :( so here is my heart on my sleeve-- i fail. i am not perfect, and although i try hard with relationships, i make mistakes... not just that, but i also have a hard time forgiving sometimes...

i hope my heart can be full of God and can teach me to forgive. some times forgiveness comes easier than at other times.... but i hope i will reach a point where i see people from God's point of view instead of mine. I really hope and pray to see people as He does, that i might learn to fully love... i want to be a clear mirror of Him. may He dwell in me, and I in Him. may it be the same with you...