confession

it's official--- i didn't make it in.

and i started thinking---
i've never been the best at anything. nope. not the best at school. not the best of friends. not the best of students. not the best at art. not the best at being nice. not the prettiest, not the kindest. not the happiest. not the most outspoken. not the shyest. not the best Christian, not the best sister. not the best daughter. not the best girlfriend. not the best human. not the best at writing. not the best at talking. not the best at being polite. not the best at doing my work. not the best at socializing. not the best at making people smile.

i'm just not the best. i'm mediocre, i'm your average person. can't say i'm the best at anything. i'm not memorable, not special. i tried... but never too hard.... that's what makes me mediocre....

i am a human and i cared so much for people.... i can say i've cared.... so much that it hurts the depths of my soul.... so much, that i neglected other things....

i'm unorganized, i have horrible crafsmanship.... i am self-centered, i seek praise. i like sympathy (although i don't expect comments.... this is not my pity me talk...), i like to be held... i'm fragile. so fragile.

i admit it... i'm the worst of them all.






and the random song lyrics in my head----
"the beautiful thing about the desert, is it that it has water in its interior" it's not over, it's on....

daffodils

Computer Aided Art (2070) webpage (under construction)

yaya!

well have a lovely day, as for me, long hours of work await.... only to be relieved monday! WOOOOOOOOTNESS!

i still love you

everyone ought to read They Cage the Animals at Night by Jennings Michael Burch. it's about how frail we are as humans, and how even though we're vulnerable we should still allow people to love us and we should love people despite the hurt. it's just a great book overall....


i heard one of my friends confess to me it's hard for her to allow people to love her, she feels so unworthy. i didn't quite understand that feeling until recently, when someone pointed out to me i wasn't allowing God to love me, (and it's true, He says i love you, and i pull away, saying, but i'm not worthy...)

truth is, no one is, He just loves us anyway.

and me... i still love you. yes, you. no, i'm not talking just to Stephen (though i do love him)... but you.... i do happen to know who my audience is, you know....

eh....

have you ever wondered whether something you lived was truth or fiction?

does it matter?


i'm dealing with several things at once... among them, my portfolio is due in 10 days and an hour and i don't feel like doing anything... :-/

and i don't mean i'm feeling lazy, i mean i'm mentally exhausted and dry of ideas...... :(

Biography

i had to write a "brief" biography for my website (coming soon!) so i figured since i wrote it, i might as well copy paste it. :) here it goes:

I was born in a little town in central Mexico called Guanajuato, Guanajuato. I used to fall asleep to Vivaldi’s Four Seasons, and I have been told I never ever cried, not even after a whole day of not eating. However, I did not grow up in quiet peaceful Guanajuato. I call Monterrey, Nuevo Leon my hometown. Ever since I can remember until the age of 11, I lived in a live city full of family, colors, and people. Happy childhood and carefree memories endure from Monterrey. Then we moved into a horrible, detestable, despicable town called Cd. Juarez, Chihuahua. The only thing that saves this town from being the closest thing to hell on earth in my mind would be two angels put in my path—Pamela Barrera and Señora Soledad Silva. Aside from that, absolute barbarism would be my fondest memory from that place. After living there for about a year and a half we moved to Madison, Wisconsin for a period of about 8 months. To briefly describe that period in my life, I shall say it was peaceful and equally uneventful, and I cherish the memory of a wonderful science teacher we lovingly nicknamed Dr. Slo (Mr.Slominsky was his real name). My eight grade year we came here, to the town everyone lovingly nicknames G-vegas. Hmmm… what to say about it? I have nothing but great memories of A.G. Cox Middle School and D.H. Conley High School (although now the memories are put to trial as to whether most are merely a figment of a wild imagination) but I can’t complain, many people don’t even have imagination to be happy about. I do hold close to my heart several wonderful people--- April Barnett, my closest friend. We have known each other since I arrived to Greenville and clicked instantaneously. Her friendship is one of my richest treasures. Theresa Rutchka, whose close friendship has encouraged me in many occasions. We have endured some tough times and we have endured many many many happy times. Kelly Rowe, my fantastic friend, the best story teller I know (who can accomplish not to tell a tall tale in the process!) And now (*drum roll*) the most unlikely, but one of my favorite—Stephen Kintz. Yes we went to the same high school, yes, we had classes together, but the chances of us going out were equal to the chances of planet Jupiter turning into a huge stick of mozzarella cheese. We come from opposite backgrounds, ideologies, and even music likes. Turns out, God has a bigger plan and the unlikely happened--- Jupiter turned into a big piece of cheese! Ha! NOT! Stephen possesses a greater soul than ideologies, cultures, music styles, or backgrounds. We have been together since December 18th, 2004. We have endured more little complications in our relationship than I’ve had in my whole life. And we’ve successfully made it through.


To recap my life briefly, for you, my lazy readers--- I’ve moved a lot, made a bunch of good friends, lost touch with many of them too, and discovered many things in the process. I try my best to be a good Christian, friend, daughter, student, sister, girlfriend, leader, and artist. I have failed miserably many times, but I can say I have tried.

random thought

the phenomena of projection always amazed me. you put on others the qualities that you feel about yourself. this happens unconsciously, but i think we all know to some degree that we're projecting ourselves, that it isn't the third party that is actually _____________, but it is a reflection of our own internal struggles.

if i called someone a liar, a fool, or a hater, then that's the way i actually feel about myself. how odd our conscience works....

lesson

tiramisu! flowers! thanks gorgeous! :-D it's so nice waking up in a lovely spring day to see those beauties ;) well at least one of them (the tiramisu is long gone....)

i've felt so crappy lately, and it shows in your face when you're not resting at night, when you feel your world shake and everything appears to be crumbling. or at least that's how you feel. (when your thoughts are so expensive to ever want to keep....) and you have 1000000 questions and there's absolutely no one to ask them to, (or there is but you can't hear His voice) and asking them really won't help out the situation... ya know? (in fact, it would create more chaos and stir the wrong sorts of things)

so all those questions show in your face in the shape of restlesness, worries, and silent unprovoked tears.

and what happens?

God doesn't forsake you. He sends just the right person at the right time. sure, everything old moves and changes and crumbles, but that doesn't mean new things won't arrive and pick you up and comfort you.

i always feared being alone, and this weekend proved to me that although it might not be the same people that in the past, God will send someone if you really need someone. it might be a stranger, or someone close that will grow closer, but God is faithful....

love

yay! blogger is letting me post again!! rock on! haha...

well let's see.. i've already written twice and my things got erased.... so i'll post about... oh and the other two posts that never got published because they're so secretive *insert spy face here*

well i'm gonna talk about my favorite thing in the whole wide world.... love.

when people hear love they here peaches and cream, warm fuzzies, bubbles and what not.... all corny girly lovey-dovey things.... and i suppose part of it is true, there is the warm fuzzies and all that stuff.... but really, love is more about other things...

love is about commitment. love is about i'll try my best not to hurt you even when i'm feeling like hurting you. i'm gonna stick to you even if you're sick, or annoying, or boring to me today. i'm gonna be here through the rough and easy, because you are valuable.

love is about sacrifice. i don't feel like giving up my time, but i will for you. i don't feel like cleaning up your mess, but you have no time to clean it up. i don't feel like talking, but i want you to know what's going on with me. i rather spend some time alone, or with this other friend, or watching tv, but instead, i'll listen to your problems. even if i can't do anything to help you out. i don't want you to be lonely.

love is more than emotion people! if you're waiting for emotions to stay for the rest of your life, you're screwed, emotions are as fickle as the weather. love is about something more, is about seeing a person's soul (or God's for that matter) and pouring yourself completely into that person, not expecting anything in return. (sure, good things come in return, but don't expect them and you'll be even more grateful).....

why do you need to love if it's so exhausting?

because it's what we were created to do. because God loved us first, He poured out all of Himself for us. you have the choice to love or live selfishly, but love, though harder (a LOT harder) will reap greater things than you ever expected. that's why love....

from Hanan's blog:

also i told my friend that although i was going through some interesting things doesn't mean she has to compare her situations to mine. she is a warrior just like me. we are both fighting battles. different battles in the same war. that God knows what each of us can handle through Him. and that just because her dads not a muslim and she doesn't have a lil bro that has a disablity and her mom hasn't been in a 'special' unit in the hospital doesn't mean that she is not going through a hard time. she is allowed to hurt. we all are. we all have problems. not the same ones but yes issues we are going through. we are all warriors fighting different battles. just because your battle isn't the same battle im figthing doesn't mean im 'stronger' than you or your strong than me....urgh lost train of thought sorry....

now in my own words.... everybody hurts.... and i can't believe i've felt guilty about my blessings for so long....

what time is it?
time to move on and start fresh. time to be at peace.. time to grow up... time to pray. i've withheld from God... i've been stuck in my own muddy pain. time to let go. time to let go... time to graduate. i never really graduated, i always thought this was a long summer break, and we'd all come back and share how our summers went. then we'd have lunch and laugh and be a united group again.

time to graduate.

i should have listened the first time, but i guess this time it's for real. and my life holds so many adventures in its hands......

a thousand eyes

i don't know the purpose of this blog much anymore. i feel like there are a thousand eyes reading it, and all silently make judgement upon my every word. watching, hoping i'll fail.

only one that responds it's Stephen, as always by my side.... i suppose i don't expect any different. i never made any comments about anyone, not direct ones at least... maybe my audience expects that.

i'm sorry, it's not gonna happen. the purpose of this blog is to be public and for the edification of my brothers and sisters, whether through personal experience, sharing of information, or allowing you to know my emotional state. but never anything personal against anyone (although i will speak for people)...

there's too much negativity, i'm sick and tired of it, so i attempt to fight it with my optimism. it's the harder road, and no one is willing to bet any money on it, they think i'm being unrealistic and naive, but that's ok. you don't have to agree with me. i do as i think and i've never posed for anyone.... it's not in my nature to do so.... it's not all rainbows and butterflies, it's attitude towards life. it's "i believe in God, and i believe in good, and i believe in love." don't let the world tell you otherwise.


maybe it doesn't make sense to anyone but me. but hey, at least Stephen will respond.

mind's peace offering

someone really hurt me about a month and a half ago. i realize what they did was out of anger, but it just really really really really hurt.... and quite honestly, it still really hurts. i'm sick and tired (quite literally, even) of thinking and re-thinking about all sorts of questions, all sorts of things that wound my soul. tonight, i talked to Stephen about it, and i released a lot.... now it's time to let go and move on. i can't be stuck in the same old, i can't re-live my past, i can't wonder whether our friendship was true back then, or if there's any friendship left, and what not... because... it's irrelevant... i've clinged on to memories and i've clinged to things far gone... so here's my peace offering:

You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do
And it's breakin' my heart in two
Because I never wanna see you a sad girl
Don't be a bad girl
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware

Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child, girl

Baby, I love you
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware
--- cat stevens, wild wild world


yeah.... you're the person who comforted my sorrows, i was there to comfort you too (remember?... maybe i failed, but i did try). we had an amazing time together... i don't want to leave in a sad note... to me, you'll always be that child with the kind eyes and comforting sweet voice. always nice, always cheerful... you'll always be the person with whom i watched "life is beautiful" for the first time. and i bet we'll watch it 10,000 times and it'll still make us cry.

now i'll take all those good memories, store them in the trinket of my mind... remember you that way.... and if you thought you ever could need me, i'm still here for you. in my mind, you'll be the same kind eyed girl who's merely deeply hurt.... and you'll be healed, because God's grace covers you, and He hasn't forsaken you and never ever ever will..... peace be with you.

Memoirs: France

Sunny and beautiful, that was the south of France. Nice is indeed nice..... imagine blue and calm... that's what the mediterranean ocean looked like. imagine peace in your heart, slight excitement, finding something new at every turn. imagine bright yellows, greens, blues... and a town full of light, a special light, so special that painters choose that place to paint wild colors that imitate the radiance of southern France. night time fell softly, like a velvet mademoiselle, and the yellows slowy turned to cooler, though still brilliant, blues... Monaco. wealth and snobbery. you feel under dressed and judged, yet... beauty still holds true. the buildings have such detail, the flowers are so bright, the street lights in Monaco are adventourous. curious tourists and rich snobs stand side by side, awkward... but the setting allows you to forget who you are standing beside, to remember the beauty of a world so old, classic, and refined... beauty is not easy to deny.... next tour, the next day... Italy?

Memoirs: Spain (part II)

i feel a little lonely-- my family is gone to Ohio. on other news...

we explored Barcelona. never had i seen such beautiful works of art as buildings. Gaudi is indeed a genius! he had deep sensibility not only to a city scape, but able to express himself through a building! amazing! his deep beliefs, his perception of nature *sighs in deep emotion* a frozen ocean, a warrior saint, and an immense church, with meticulous sculptural detail.... then night falls, and we stroll around "las ramblas". first we got lost in an middle eastern neighborhood, but we found our way to the ramblas. a man stood still in the middle of the crowd, sunglasses on, in the middle of the commotion. i watched... was he asleep? waiting for something or someone? we walked closer and closer, and i watched him still.... until he jumped at us and scared the everything out of my whole family, only to end in joint laugher from everyone.... we made our way to the mediterranean ocean on a still summer night. perfect weather, and my dream of exploring my European roots coming true before my awed eyes.....

alive

Col 3:1-2
If then you were raised with Christ, seek what is above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Think of what is above, not of what is on earth.

Second reading today at church..... made me think....



happy easter guys. i love you! :-D oh and peace in abundance through the knowledge of our victorious, triumphant, & risen Lord! (we will rise with him) :-D

ATTENTION GIRLS

HEY GIRLS!!!!

if you would like to spend the night at my house on wednesday night, please let me know! call me, AIM me, or e-mail me. thus far the schedule looks like this:

Sunday---- Shannon
Monday--- Catherine
Tuesday--- Adrienne & Karissa?
Wednesday--- ???? (i leave at 7:20 on Thursday morning...)
Thursday--- Hanan (hopefully)

if you stay, i'll cook for you, and i'll play chic movies(if you'd like), and you get a master bedroom with your own bathroom!!! pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease! i'll even play French and Spanish music... i'll wash your clothes! wash your feet! kiss your cheek! pleeeeeeeeeeeease! you'll enjoy it! :-D ok... well... thanks for considering...

Memoirs: Spain

i was soooo tired... my mom kept trying to keep Miguel and I awake, but the jetlag was heavy on the eyelids... so we fell asleep despite my mom's warnings... she fell asleep after a while too. when we woke up we were so much fresher and i believe a bit hungry. so we had the traditional tapas... the ham was much much harder, and the bread too, the ham was saltier too. can't complain though, i was hungry. my fanta was fantabulous--- carbonated orange juice instead of some sintetic drink with a fluorescent radioactive color that makes me wonder what really is in there... it was a fair day, to me, more like spring time than a hot summer day, i even had a coat on for lack of knowledge of the weather. we sat in a bench and watched people go by as my dad went looking for an ATM... we must have looked strange, sitting there under the sun in our coats while Spaniards were having record high temperatures. yeah... we looked around the hotel a bit. i must admit i loved hearing their accents, it was like they were in a foreign land and i owned the place, and they were the odd balls instead of me. i was thrilled to be across the ocean, in a new continent, with people i heard were intellectuals, pacifists (in general), and extremely well read....

blue

y que me inventare para decirle al mundo entero si me ven tumbada al suelo y sin mas ganas de volar? como escondo este par de alas rotas y las suelas de mis botas cansadas de caminar? dime acaso adonde voy... ahora que no estas... dime acaso a donde vas, ahora que no estoy...si ya me han visto con la mirada perdida unas cuantas libras menos y unas lagrimas demas... (yo quiero que vuelvas, que te estan extrañando, mis labios que hace tiempo no besas, yo quiero que regreses, ya ves que hasta mis manos, de tanto no tocarte me duelen.... me duelen....) ----Shakira


yeah i know no one can understand that.... it's all right. just feelin' a bit blue... that's all. no biggie.

hannia

i've always wondered where my name was from.. so i'm researching it 'cause i still need a break.. (my back hurts a little) so here we go:

Hania

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Gender: Girl
Origin: Hebrew, Arabic
Meaning: "A place to rest; to be happy."
Variants: Chania, Chaniya, Chaniyah, Chanya, Haniya, Haniyah, Hannia, Hanniah, Hanniya, Hanniyah, Hannya, Hannyah

(that meaning makes me happy...:)

oh my! i don't want to be a fish:
Life Pisces Actinopterygii Perciformes Teraponidae<>

yes... i am the scientific and common name for a type of fish: Hannia Vari or Hannia greenwayi... sad day in my existence...

Hannia Robledo was nominated for an Oscar on 2002 for decoration of the set for "Frida" (art direction).... wait not even that... she was supposed to be, but never was nominated... *shrugs..*

still searching... i hear my name is Ukranian...

there's an Hannia Bar in Costa Rica. :(

still no luck...


found it! ok.. Hannia is Hebrew, and it comes from Chanya--- and it should actually be pronounced with with a strong H as in the end of Bach. it means grace, gracious, or merciful. each hebrew letter has it's own significance, so letter "nun" (hebrew alphabet) means shine spout and spread in Hebrew and fish in aramaic... etc...

i can sleep happy now... i've found lots of new things about my name! :-D

rambles

running a household is not as easy as they tell you, especially not if you have school, work, and church to worry about too....

*whines*

it's not so bad, just stressed out with everything i was supposed to do and didn't do... :-/ oh well... i'll keep on working!

love ya peeps!

hannia: mom... was Rome as beautiful as you thought it would be?
mom: yes Hannia, even more beautiful than i thought....

Similarly, women should adorn themselves with proper conduct, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hairstyles and gold ornaments, or pearls, or expensive clothes, but rather, as befits women who profess reverence for God, with good deeds.
1 Tim 2:9-10

Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness - Chinese Proverb

Psalm 43:3 Send forth your light and your truth, let them guide me; let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where You dwell.

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure... In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

my graphic design project (in a nutshell:)

pure

1 Tim. 4:12

Let no one have contempt for your youth, but set an example for those who believe, in speech, conduct, love, faith, and purity.

because i'm bored

YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (NAME OF YOUR FAVOURITE SNACK FOOD + GRANDFATHERS FIRST NAME):
Santita Edelmiro

YOUR FASHION DESIGNER NAME: (WHAT YOU SEE ON YOUR LEFT + FAVOURITE RESTAURANT):
Yellow Ragazzi

SOCIALITE ALIAS: (Silliest Childhood Nickname + Town Where You First lived):
Nana Guanajuato

"GANGSTA RAPPER" ALIAS (a la 2Pac): (First Initial + First Two or Three Letters of your Last Name):
HAHAHAHAHA-- H.Be

ICON ALIAS: (Something Sweet Within Sight + Any Liquid in Kitchen):
Pink Peach juice

DETECTIVE ALIAS: (Favorite Baby Animal + Where You Went to High School):
Panda Conley

SOAP OPERA ALIAS: (Middle Name + Street Where You First Lived):
Claudia Varsovia (i like that! that's hot!)

ROCK STAR ALIAS: (Favorite Candy + Last Name Of Favorite Musician):
hmmmmmmm.... Creme Mebarak? (creme savers & shakira's last name) or Ferrero O'Riordan (Ferrero Rocher & Dolores O'Riordan... from the cranberries)... or or.... yeah i give up... i'm wasting time and space..... silly stuff....