here

one brief comment before i start-- our law is love. our law is compassion. people forget that, they want to become legalistic, or rationalize things, or rationalize their racism and other things through supposed "information" without considering that sometimes what is most reasonable is not most charitable or morally correct. sometimes, our minds have to be put aside and just love. i know this made prolly no sense to anyone, but i had to say it. :)

arg...

so i had a wonderful break. now.... well... it's back to school, away from Stephen and Theresa and hanging out and back to stressing out. of course, i'm not currently doing anything, when i should be working my butt off, i'm procrastinating. arg.

i'm here
i want to be found
i want to feel alive
and dance my way through life

i'm here
come and rescue me
from my own self...

i feel numb today. i don't know why. like i put my hope is something false and that false thing crashed and burned. yet, in my heart, i know i've trusted God. i haven't let Him down. my heart belongs to Him, and He knows it. He loves me, and i know it. but my heart... it feels numb. maybe it's my time to feel numb. you know? maybe i'm levitating and i don't know it? no no, the feeling's not of peace, but of numbness... like the world spinned 300 times slower. that's it. my break went by so fast, and now we're back at regular speed. maybe my heart has been a little infidel today. instead of a thankful heart (the usual) my heart was more of complaint. I never directly said "grr God! why are you making me go back to this?" but i think i've felt like that all day (disclaimer to the person on the outside of myself: i love what i'm doing, i love ECU, i love my life... i truly love art, my life would be so boring without it-- i only feel like another part of me is missing when school starts again, because i don't generally get to hang out with people, or not as much as i'd want to). so, no i'm not mad at God-- i see the greater plan. i know my schooling is mac daddy important. my heart bows down every time i think of the many blessings He pours out on me, and prolly my third or fourth one would be art school. this semester i'm lucky to have pretty good and nice professors. so it's not that. i hope everyone understands i am grateful, i can find a lot of joy in the small things God gives me, so I can definetely rejoice in the big ones (and He knows I am eternally endebted through love)........... (haha-- it's like i'm endebted in monopoly money, whatver He gives me I want to give back. anyhow!...)