psychoanalysis

I messed up my project again. If i could only figure out HOW it'd be wonderful. Gr for frustration. frustration sucks!


i was psychoanalyzing myself today. I realized maybe i haven't let go things of when i was around 5 or 6 years old. it surprised me that i remember little occurrences when i was a little kid, and even more surprised to know they still hurt. oh well. not a big deal. just interesting i suppose. i have NO idea of how i came about thinking of such occurences, more the least why now. i was pondering about sunkist and if they were trying to make a subliminal message by really meaning sinkist and masking it. then i got on the ball of subliminal appealing to the subconscious. then i believe that i was like... well they say there's a lot of repression in your subconscious that you let out in your dreams, but quite honestly, my dreams are prolly as moralistic as i am, if not more... (i can COUNT with one hand the number of times when my dreams did not match up with my true standards and ideas). so i have absolutely no idea how i started thinking of that one instance in kindergarten when i had a little boyfriend. well, it was common knowledge in the kindergarten population that i had a boyfriend. and this kid-- he was a pretty little kid if i can say so myself. brown hair, green eyes. the whole deal. anyhow-- one day the teacher stepped out, and the kid came up to me and asked for a kiss. first of all-- i'm a kidergartener. second of all, i liked him and all... but a KISS! WHOA! buddy! back off, were not gonna get married tomorrow. third of all, i'm in front of the class (I don't know why... i msut have been sharpening my pencil or something).... anyhow.... i have this huge blackout in my mind, where i don't remember what exactly happened, all i can remember is feeling extremely self-conscious since all my classmates ganged up around us and asked us to kiss... so self-conscious is not the word, it's more like..... embarrased. i don't think i've been so embarrassed in my whole entire life. anxiety crawls all over me, like little fire ants waiting to sting. i started crying in frustration, anger, embarrasment, and hurt? hate? i don't know. my face was hiding-- i can't remember if i crawled into a corner and dug my face into it, or if i just covered my face with my hands or arms the only thing i remember is that my face was covered in shame. and then-- the blackout. i don't recall what stopped it, who stopped it, what happened exactly. I know he didn't kiss me, or at least i don't remember him kissing me.

why did i say all of that? NO idea. i guess i'm still trying to sort out what all of this means, and why i'm thinking about it today..... and trying to forgive myself for liking a kid, trying to forgive the kid for being silly. i see it now as an adult, he was just a kid, he wouldn't have sexually harassed me or anything, but back then my instincts didn't know that, they just knew the whole situation didn't feel right and i had a fight or flight response.... hahahaha talk about psychoanalysis.... now i wonder how it's all affecting me in current relationships? or if it affects me at all....