Memoirs: France

Sunny and beautiful, that was the south of France. Nice is indeed nice..... imagine blue and calm... that's what the mediterranean ocean looked like. imagine peace in your heart, slight excitement, finding something new at every turn. imagine bright yellows, greens, blues... and a town full of light, a special light, so special that painters choose that place to paint wild colors that imitate the radiance of southern France. night time fell softly, like a velvet mademoiselle, and the yellows slowy turned to cooler, though still brilliant, blues... Monaco. wealth and snobbery. you feel under dressed and judged, yet... beauty still holds true. the buildings have such detail, the flowers are so bright, the street lights in Monaco are adventourous. curious tourists and rich snobs stand side by side, awkward... but the setting allows you to forget who you are standing beside, to remember the beauty of a world so old, classic, and refined... beauty is not easy to deny.... next tour, the next day... Italy?

Memoirs: Spain (part II)

i feel a little lonely-- my family is gone to Ohio. on other news...

we explored Barcelona. never had i seen such beautiful works of art as buildings. Gaudi is indeed a genius! he had deep sensibility not only to a city scape, but able to express himself through a building! amazing! his deep beliefs, his perception of nature *sighs in deep emotion* a frozen ocean, a warrior saint, and an immense church, with meticulous sculptural detail.... then night falls, and we stroll around "las ramblas". first we got lost in an middle eastern neighborhood, but we found our way to the ramblas. a man stood still in the middle of the crowd, sunglasses on, in the middle of the commotion. i watched... was he asleep? waiting for something or someone? we walked closer and closer, and i watched him still.... until he jumped at us and scared the everything out of my whole family, only to end in joint laugher from everyone.... we made our way to the mediterranean ocean on a still summer night. perfect weather, and my dream of exploring my European roots coming true before my awed eyes.....

alive

Col 3:1-2
If then you were raised with Christ, seek what is above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Think of what is above, not of what is on earth.

Second reading today at church..... made me think....



happy easter guys. i love you! :-D oh and peace in abundance through the knowledge of our victorious, triumphant, & risen Lord! (we will rise with him) :-D

ATTENTION GIRLS

HEY GIRLS!!!!

if you would like to spend the night at my house on wednesday night, please let me know! call me, AIM me, or e-mail me. thus far the schedule looks like this:

Sunday---- Shannon
Monday--- Catherine
Tuesday--- Adrienne & Karissa?
Wednesday--- ???? (i leave at 7:20 on Thursday morning...)
Thursday--- Hanan (hopefully)

if you stay, i'll cook for you, and i'll play chic movies(if you'd like), and you get a master bedroom with your own bathroom!!! pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease! i'll even play French and Spanish music... i'll wash your clothes! wash your feet! kiss your cheek! pleeeeeeeeeeeease! you'll enjoy it! :-D ok... well... thanks for considering...

Memoirs: Spain

i was soooo tired... my mom kept trying to keep Miguel and I awake, but the jetlag was heavy on the eyelids... so we fell asleep despite my mom's warnings... she fell asleep after a while too. when we woke up we were so much fresher and i believe a bit hungry. so we had the traditional tapas... the ham was much much harder, and the bread too, the ham was saltier too. can't complain though, i was hungry. my fanta was fantabulous--- carbonated orange juice instead of some sintetic drink with a fluorescent radioactive color that makes me wonder what really is in there... it was a fair day, to me, more like spring time than a hot summer day, i even had a coat on for lack of knowledge of the weather. we sat in a bench and watched people go by as my dad went looking for an ATM... we must have looked strange, sitting there under the sun in our coats while Spaniards were having record high temperatures. yeah... we looked around the hotel a bit. i must admit i loved hearing their accents, it was like they were in a foreign land and i owned the place, and they were the odd balls instead of me. i was thrilled to be across the ocean, in a new continent, with people i heard were intellectuals, pacifists (in general), and extremely well read....

blue

y que me inventare para decirle al mundo entero si me ven tumbada al suelo y sin mas ganas de volar? como escondo este par de alas rotas y las suelas de mis botas cansadas de caminar? dime acaso adonde voy... ahora que no estas... dime acaso a donde vas, ahora que no estoy...si ya me han visto con la mirada perdida unas cuantas libras menos y unas lagrimas demas... (yo quiero que vuelvas, que te estan extrañando, mis labios que hace tiempo no besas, yo quiero que regreses, ya ves que hasta mis manos, de tanto no tocarte me duelen.... me duelen....) ----Shakira


yeah i know no one can understand that.... it's all right. just feelin' a bit blue... that's all. no biggie.

hannia

i've always wondered where my name was from.. so i'm researching it 'cause i still need a break.. (my back hurts a little) so here we go:

Hania

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Gender: Girl
Origin: Hebrew, Arabic
Meaning: "A place to rest; to be happy."
Variants: Chania, Chaniya, Chaniyah, Chanya, Haniya, Haniyah, Hannia, Hanniah, Hanniya, Hanniyah, Hannya, Hannyah

(that meaning makes me happy...:)

oh my! i don't want to be a fish:
Life Pisces Actinopterygii Perciformes Teraponidae<>

yes... i am the scientific and common name for a type of fish: Hannia Vari or Hannia greenwayi... sad day in my existence...

Hannia Robledo was nominated for an Oscar on 2002 for decoration of the set for "Frida" (art direction).... wait not even that... she was supposed to be, but never was nominated... *shrugs..*

still searching... i hear my name is Ukranian...

there's an Hannia Bar in Costa Rica. :(

still no luck...


found it! ok.. Hannia is Hebrew, and it comes from Chanya--- and it should actually be pronounced with with a strong H as in the end of Bach. it means grace, gracious, or merciful. each hebrew letter has it's own significance, so letter "nun" (hebrew alphabet) means shine spout and spread in Hebrew and fish in aramaic... etc...

i can sleep happy now... i've found lots of new things about my name! :-D

rambles

running a household is not as easy as they tell you, especially not if you have school, work, and church to worry about too....

*whines*

it's not so bad, just stressed out with everything i was supposed to do and didn't do... :-/ oh well... i'll keep on working!

love ya peeps!

hannia: mom... was Rome as beautiful as you thought it would be?
mom: yes Hannia, even more beautiful than i thought....

Similarly, women should adorn themselves with proper conduct, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hairstyles and gold ornaments, or pearls, or expensive clothes, but rather, as befits women who profess reverence for God, with good deeds.
1 Tim 2:9-10

Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness - Chinese Proverb

Psalm 43:3 Send forth your light and your truth, let them guide me; let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where You dwell.

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure... In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

my graphic design project (in a nutshell:)

pure

1 Tim. 4:12

Let no one have contempt for your youth, but set an example for those who believe, in speech, conduct, love, faith, and purity.

because i'm bored

YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (NAME OF YOUR FAVOURITE SNACK FOOD + GRANDFATHERS FIRST NAME):
Santita Edelmiro

YOUR FASHION DESIGNER NAME: (WHAT YOU SEE ON YOUR LEFT + FAVOURITE RESTAURANT):
Yellow Ragazzi

SOCIALITE ALIAS: (Silliest Childhood Nickname + Town Where You First lived):
Nana Guanajuato

"GANGSTA RAPPER" ALIAS (a la 2Pac): (First Initial + First Two or Three Letters of your Last Name):
HAHAHAHAHA-- H.Be

ICON ALIAS: (Something Sweet Within Sight + Any Liquid in Kitchen):
Pink Peach juice

DETECTIVE ALIAS: (Favorite Baby Animal + Where You Went to High School):
Panda Conley

SOAP OPERA ALIAS: (Middle Name + Street Where You First Lived):
Claudia Varsovia (i like that! that's hot!)

ROCK STAR ALIAS: (Favorite Candy + Last Name Of Favorite Musician):
hmmmmmmm.... Creme Mebarak? (creme savers & shakira's last name) or Ferrero O'Riordan (Ferrero Rocher & Dolores O'Riordan... from the cranberries)... or or.... yeah i give up... i'm wasting time and space..... silly stuff....

beautiful song

a song (historia de un sueño) (story of a dream) by la oreja de van gogh (van gogh's ear) (translation by me, then original) : (my last will will be this song:)

"Story of a dream"

I'm sorry to come in without knocking
i know, it's not the time nor the place
i just had to tell you
it's not so bad in heaven

tomorrow you won't remember,
"it's only a dream," you'll repeat yourself
and as an answer you'll see a shooting star

and when i leave
my life here on earth will be at peace
i just wanted to say goodbye
to kiss you and see you one more time

promise me you'll be happy
you looked so beautiful when you smiled
and like that
just like that
i want to remember you
like that, like before
like that, go on
like that, my love, is better like that

now you have to rest
let me tuck you in like years ago
remember how i used to sing to you before sleeping?

they only let me come back
in your dreams to see you
and it's because that sad night i couldn't say good bye before parting

and when i leave
my life here on earth will be at peace
i just wanted to say goodbye
to kiss you and see you one more time

promise me you'll be happy
you looked so beautiful when you smiled
and like that
just like that
i want to remember you
like that, like before
like that, go on
like that, my love, is better like that
now it's your turn to finish our voyage
it's getting late,
i'll need to leave
in a couple of seconds you'll wake up....
...................................................................

"Historia de un sueño"

Perdona Que Entre Sin Llamar,
No Es Esta La Hora Y Menos El Lugar.
Tenía Que Contarte Que En El Cielo No Se Está Tan Mal.

Mañana Ni Te Acordarás,
" Tan Sólo Fue Un Sueño," Te Repetirás.
Y En Forma De Respuesta Pasará Una Estrella Fugaz.

Y Cuando Me Marche Estará Mi Vida En La Tierra En Paz.
Yo Sólo Quería Despedirme, Darte Un Beso Y Verte Una Vez Más...

Promete Que Serás Feliz,
Te Ponías Tan Guapa Al Reír.
Y Así, Sólo Así,
Quiero Recordarte.
Así, Como Antes,
Así, Adelante,
Así, Vida Mía,
Mejor Será Así.

Ahora Debes Descansar,
Deja Que Te Arrope Como Años Atrás.
¿ Te Acuerdas Cuando Entonces Te Cantaba Antes De Ir A Acostar?

Tan Sólo Me Dejan Venir
Dentro De Tus Sueños Para Verte A Ti.
Y Es Que Aquella Triste Noche No Te Di Ni Un Adios Al Partir.

Y Cuando Me Marche Estará Mi Vida En La Tierra En Paz.
Yo Sólo Quería Despedirme, Darte Un Beso Y Verte Una Vez Más...

Promete Que Serás Feliz,
Te Ponías Tan Guapa Al Reír.
Y Así, Sólo Así,
Quiero Recordarte.
Así, Como Antes,
Así, Adelante,
Así, Vida Mía,
Ahora Te Toca A Ti,
Sólo A Ti,
Seguir Nuestro Viaje.
Se Está Haciendo Tarde,
Tendré Que Marcharme.
En Unos Segundos Vas A Despertar...

self-image

i had written a blog yesterday, but it got erased. i was talking about the cranberries and the lead singer, how she's a free-spirited Irish woman. and so i started thinking about the kind of woman i wanted to become when i was a girl... and so here are my three types of woman (hopefully, along with visuals):

a 5o's girl-- red suit, red lipstick, dark wavy hair, high heels. she's all around attractive, and her character is sorta like Snow White, but she has a strong character to get her through any hardships. i came up with this idea in my mind when i was around 5 years old. (picture from the chic of Pearl harbor... she's cute)

free-spirited girl-- she has short blonde hair, she wears light dresses with heavy combat boots, she is free, playful, and daring. she's impulsive and sensitive and creative. she will kiss the guy if she feels like it. (couldn't find a fitting picture... but if i find one, i shall post it!) (i came up with this image when i was around 8 to 10)

intellectual-- she constantly reads and reads and reads. knowledgeable, but not arrogant. she has a cause and will fight for it. she's extremely discrete and always dressed properly. she enjoys all that stimulates her mind--- Chopin, history, fine foods. she wears glasses, and her hair is not her priority but it always manages to look nice. (this is not so much about image, but about intellect) (i developed this idea when i was around 12)

and then, around... hmm... 11th grade, i developed yet another image i wanted to be like. this one wasn't about looks at all though, it was a about spirit.

sure, i wish i was brave and independent like the 50's chic. i wish i was playful and unique like the short haired blonde free-spirited chic. i wish i was more dedicated like the intellectual chic. but in the end.... the one that changed the world was the spiritual chic. not saying the others couldn't have, but they're just image models in my head. the spiritual exists, and she did change the world. she didn't have to put red lipstick, or wear beautiful flowy dresses that show her perfectly slender body, she didn't have to read all the books in the world. she jsut had to follow God's call and submit to His will.

wonderful quotes

some quotes by Mother Teresa:

I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love.

There are no great things, only small things with great love. Happy are those.

Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.

Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat. We must find each other.

If you are discouraged it is a sign of pride, because it shows you trust in your own powers. Never bother about other people's opinions. Be humble and you will never be disturbed. Remember St. Aloysius, who said he would continue to play billiards even if he knew he was going to die. Do you play well? Sleep well? Eat well? These are duties. Nothing is small for God.

my mom's story

my mom, on the phone with my dad:

"... so I entered the bathroom and saw some guys. i decided to stick around and find out why there were men in the women's bathroom, until i realized, hey! there's more than one man! i must be in the wrong bathroom. a guy turned around, but the others just kept on with 'their business'. that's when i turned around and left. i decided to go to the women's bathroom in the second floor because i was just too embarrassed....."

i love my mom (you should hear her tell it--- she's like, almost in tears while telling it...)

yes. now i understand where i get it from....

everybody's free (to wear sunscreen)

well, i burnt myself a CD, and i recalled this "song" and was amazed by how much wisdom it has hidden in it, and chose to bring it back to life ;).... enjoy, and live by it. it holds so much random truth!

everybody's free (to wear sunscreen)
Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering
experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you
imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with
people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes
you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with
yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe
you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t
congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your
choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body,
use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people
think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever
own..

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for
good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live
in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will
look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
ugly parts and recycling it for more than
it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…

discipline

so yesternight and tonight i've learned important things...

ok last night, i learned that the creativity is there, i just need to release it. oh and I got confirmation that Stephen's a Christian and he just doesn't know it yet. (yes! from someone else than Mr.Dove!) hehe... :-D anyhow... i also learned that i'm a human and i fail miserably but God has already won the war! yayness!

tonight, i was with Stephen, and i was just very impressed by the passion he showed for his new endeavor (he's starting a new online literary magazine with Katie).... and he's just so very excited and working so hard... and i felt a bit of shame, i have hardly any entrepeneur skills and i know i've lagged at my work (blush sad icon from aim) and i told Stephen i've had "artist's block" lately... and he made an interesting suggestion to discipline myself and set apart a time to do art...

i suck at discipline....

But it finally hit me, he's right. what sets apart mediocrity and excellence is discipline. i need discipline (BADLY!) and i'm glad someone was so nice as to open my eyes (in such a gentle way too!)

PLUS: i've been feeling overwhelmed... it's a vicious little cylce: feel overwhelemed, don't get work done.... more overwhelmed... and you know why?

prayer life. prayer life has been weak since i got sick. well, to be honest, it's been weak lately, just overall. so i decided, prayer life comes first. i need to set apart time for prayer. i know i've REALLY slacked, but today is the day i change.
*CHANGE*

prayer life back, passion restored, discipline set, work gets done. overwhelmed no more! :-D and i mean, i know it's ideal and i might fall, but that's why i'm gonna stop relying on my strength and start relying on God's. i can't do absolutely anything on my own. i'll fall apart the second i try, but through God's grace... :-D He is so infinite and powerful, it's good to know i can take shelter there. it's good to know my Daddy will let me crawl in His lap, and He'll just rub my hair and push me to go where i need to go... i know i hated being disciplined as a child, but i also know the outcome is a good one....

and i know discipline is "effective lazyness" (if you do things right on the first run, you don't have to worry about doing the second run).... :-P


all right, night peeps. love and peace in abundance through the knowledge and grace of Jesus.

funny

hmmmmmmmmm i want to post something funny.....
hmmm...

astronomy lab, telescope set up....

person 1: oh! that cluster! wooooooooow!
person 2: i can see the cluster, that's cool
person 3: that's a lousy little cluster... so stupid... i couldn't see anything....
person 4: yeah i can't see hardly anything
hannia: i couldnt see anything.... because i'm too short to reach the telescope :-(


ok... i failed. not funny.... i had another story....

brb... when i tihnk of something

wow....

someone left a link to her blog from Stephen's blog... i just wanted to say--- i never meant to hurt you, and i hope everything goes well for you. don't give up.... oh if only you knew how important and awesome you are... all hard feelings (if any) are gone. i'm sorry things are the way they are. i love ya and i care about you. (they're not just words) good things are about to come, just wait and cheer up a bit. there's someone out there for you, promise! you are important, and i'm truly sorry if you feel like you are replacable, because you're not, and i'm glad you have enough self-worth to know that. i know you're mad crazy angry at me, but just know if that anger ever ceases... i'm here. i would love to be your friend. i mean it.

meet me

i figured i would ask myself some questions and post them online. so here they go:

What is your deepest fear?
failing. at what? everything. being a bad daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend. i fear not being good enough. i fear disappointing people.

What is your deepest hope?
that God will not forsake me.

Who are you and who do you want to be?
as of right now, i am far away from who i want to be. i have come a long way, but i have a long way to go... i am more mindful of others, but i'm too anxious about life. i need to chill out and get some peace. i need to pray more and stop making excuses for my own procrastination and stuff...
who am I? a child of God. human. flawed and virtuous too. who do i want to be? the spirit of Christ on earth.

What is your deepest regret?
hmmmm.... i don't really know. maybe not having taken a picture by the colisseum. maybe not taking enough pictures in Europe. maybe not having told some people i loved them before it was too late... :`(

What is your greatest accomplishment?
none yet. accomplishment is such a big word... i don't really think i'll really "achieve" anything in this life, i think everything is just a gift and should be appreciated as such.

Quote to live by?
hmmmmmmmm.... well since my AIM isn't working right (that's where my storage of quotes is), i shall say there's 2 i particularly like: "If you always tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" Mark Twain and " You are embraced by the mystery of God."-- St. Hildegarde de Bingen
why?
1. i believe in the truth. the truth ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS surfaces, whether you're a great liar or not. it might take time, but the truth always surfaces. no point in telling a lie. might take courage, but it's over with, instead of having to take the trouble of remembering the lie and the ones following to cover up the lie
2. because Sonny gave me a bookmark taht had that quote (and we all know Sonny is like freakin' AWESOME!) hehe... no but seriously-- we're so caugh up with wondering about the mystery of God part that we forget He's just embracing us. we can ponder upon the mystery, but let's not forget to feel the hug. :)

grateful

today was a little hard-- i got bad grades in my C.A. class. then my professor said if we had gotten below a certain grade nto to bother submitting because it would be unacceptable. so i'm sitting there, trying not to cry on the spot, so i'm trying not to show how afflicted and anxious i am. she let's us out on break, and "coincidence"-- Beth and here mom were in the art building. not only was Beth's presence very comforting (i secretly look up to her) but her mom reminded me of God's faithulfness-- if God wants you to be a Graphic Designer, you will be, regardless of what professors say or don't. I went back in class with more peace,a dn my professor reminded me to just keep working hard (disclaimer: in no way do i hold my professor accountable for my lack of craftsmanship... i admit my errors and accept all constructive criticism)...
anyway, this was a praise, because God sent His 2 angels to me today, and I'm extremely grateful for them! :)

kyros

i had a full day yesterday-- my mom left to Monterrey at 10ish AM, i attempted to cook my first alphabet soup, and decided soups might NOT be my forte... ( :( ) but it's ok. then, we tried looking for the book i lost... with no luck... then we went semi-grocery shopping, then came back to watch in america (yeah... it IS watch-it-twice good!)(in fact, by now, i've seen it 2 1/3 times) anyhow....

tears started choking my voice, and uncontrollable tears rolling down my face... and i was trying to explain... but how to explain a feeling so deep and inexplicable?

my mom woke up yesterday morning at 4 AM, she had a dream that i had died. she started crying, and i've only seen her cry more maybe once before. she said-- "you're just so good, and this flu hit you so hard..." she was scared it was my time to go back home... i went to sleep and i didn't cry but it did move me.... the next day all day i had death in my mind... what if i did die? and i saw my own funeral, people i love, crying and missing me. it wasn't my ego being boastful, it was God allowing me to see how much people actually loved me. love is a great, precious, and fragile gift, and when you get to see how much you are loved it's not for you to boast, but to be humbled. you never know what you have until you lose it they say. so i cried at my own funeral because i loved those people, and i didn't want to see them hurt.

so the tears started rolling off, uncontrollable. in a flash, i was ten years old, small, innocent, hopeful.... do you remember when you were ten? you wished for the best... you wished to be older, and bolder, and prettier, and more loved, more stable. you wished for a prince charming in his stallion. and i opened my eyes, and my sweet, hopeful 10 year old saw a beautiful man, one with a kind soul and full love, and caressed his face. and my 10 year old was so happy, everything i had hoped for was a reality, for me to touch his face. and i closed my eyes again. and i allowed myself to just feel the depth of the emotion... the spiritual becoming flesh... kyros...

dream

among my delusions last night (as in past nights with fever) came a dream of wishful thinking....

i dreamed i received a phone call and things were like they were back then. i was cheerful to hear this person's voice, and this person was calm. i told this person "i never meant to hurt you! i promise!" and the person responded, reassuring, "i know. i know."(i can picture the person smiling faintly)... (which brought me a deep peace)... then I told the person to put themselves in my shoes in the same situation, and the person was like... "hmmm... i never really thought about it... i guess i see where you're coming from" and it was as though all the walls collapsed and things were back to good.


yeah so much for wishful thinking.... although, maybe one day... *looks up, hands clasped together, eyes shining*


mood: hopeful, but full of patience

not a perfect person

have you guys heard that song: the reason?
"i'm not a perfect person... " blah blah blah....

anyway, it strikes me...
it seems like sometimes we have super-human expecations of people or we expect our happiness to be based off someone... and I'm the first one to admit that there is someone who makes me extremely happy.... but i don't base my happiness off him. (anyhow) we're all human. we all make mistakes, we all have our flaws and pet peeves.

i showed stephen a little graph i made ( i wish i could post it up here) where whether we've done lots of wrong or hardly any wrong, since we're human the scale of human morality vs. God's moralitty makes us all the same.... think of it like this---

Martha has a morality of 80
Sonya has a morality of 10

who's better? Martha. now think of a graph and plot it in your head.... yeah it seems like Martha is waaaay up there. HOWEVER.... let's now say

Martha= 80
Sonya= 10
God= 100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

now plot that one in your head, and you'll realize Martha and Sonya's moral difference is not that much... in fact, visually, they'd be in the same level... that's why it says in the Bible that all fall short of the glory of God. it always surprised me when i would read Mother Teresa say she was a dirty rag in God's eyes (it's freakin' MOTHER TERESA!!! how can she say such thing?!) but she was a human too. compared to God, she is a filthy rag. and so are you. and so am i.

that's the beauty of Grace, God provides it freely to you and me, Grace to clean us from the dirt we have so that we'll be fresh clean rags whenever we repent. sure, we're still rags, but at least we're clean ones! ;)

In America

I watched a movie called "In America" yesterday. it was really really good. it's about an Irish family in the U.S. and it's mom, dad, and 2 girls, and they had a little boy named Frankie, but he died due to an accident. it's such a good movie though, makes you ponder about life and faith... without pushing anything, just very subtle, and full of deep quotes...

Johnny: Are you in love with her?
Mateo: No... I'm in love with you. And I'm in love with your beautiful woman. And I'm in love with your kids. And I'm even in love with your unborn child. I'm even in love with your anger! I'm in love with anything that lives!
Johnny: are you dying?



we often take life for granted, and we allow present circumstance to over shadow our love and joy for life.... until we realize, oh crap! life shouldn't be taken for granted....

whiney rambles

yes... it's 8:19 on a Tuesday and i'm home. the reason?
i'm sick :(

i slept from 7 PM to 8 AM this morning... yes.. 13 hours of sleep... with a little 20 minute break around 2 am to finish off the tea my mom so kindly made me.

and i think i'm getting asthma :( this is caused by stress... i'm scared of not getting accepted into C.A.... and i think i'm creating a self-fulfilled prophecy, so i better start working and stop doubting...

i'm being so whiney... grrr...

ok--- i'll be positive--- i'm gonna go watch Napoleon Dynamite in Spanish with my mom... yes not my favorite movie, but good quality time with my mom i suppose...