Under the scrutiny of the rationality lens

Since I am almost positive no one reads this blog anymore, I might pick it up once again. It's not that I have some great secret I want to keep from the world (this would be a pretty dumb way to "hide" a secret), it's more that I seem to grow weary of the routine and my old blog has become a specific thing. It's like I am hyper aware of what I feel people expect from me, what they'd like to hear, or what they don't want to hear. It seems that there are things we cannot speak of, we dare not bring to light. Again, not because these things are some great secret, but because of fear of people. Fear to hurt people or even for people to completely misunderstand what is being written. Although I assume that happens in all places, maybe starting fresh with the old would help. I am the new old me. Nice to meet you.

First of all, I don't understand why people have seemed to be offended with the things I state. Granted, they are my own opinions and I understand them and their origins, it just seems people are eager to find something that will offend them. Chill out people. Goodness, I hate being scrutinized. Also, if I make a broad statement, please, do not assume it is about you. I know we all have some narcissistic complex, but it is usually good to put that complex under a lens of rationality. When assuming someone is writing about you, it is usually good to ask oneself the following questions:
1. Do I have a close relationship to the writer?
2. Did the writer mention an activity we have done recently, such that we went skating and the writer states "when we skated that punk pushed me". Well, I in fact, pushed you, so that would, in fact, make me a punk. However, this is not true if the action you have engaged with the writer occurred many a moons ago. For example, if one time in Pre-K we skated, and I mention "when we skated that punk pushed me" it is irrational to believe the writer speaks about you. Unless the writer has problems letting go of the past and lost a leg when you pushed him/her that time you skated together, in which case, it is perfectly rational to believe that the writer remembers the incident back in Pre-K.
3. Does the writer openly mention you or something very specific about you? An example of this would be if you are a 6 feet tall attractive blonde skinny woman who stole the writer's husband. If the writer refers to "the giant blonde husband-stealer" then there is probable and rational cause to believe that the writer is speaking about you.
4. Does the writer openly name you? In this case, you are perfectly justified in believing it is you, unless your name is very common and you've never met the writer.

Other than that, statistically speaking, if you are not closely related to the writer and really have no close connection to them, our rationality lens tells us chances of the writer writing about us is highly improbable.

That mentioned, welcome to my new old blog. The writings here will probably not be about you, unless you have a very close relationship to me (in other words, I know I will not offend you), if we have done an activity very recently, if I state something very specific about you, or if I openly name you. Please be courteous and always wear the rationality glasses when reading. :) Thank you.

tortured realities that open doors
to dreams of fantasy and taciturn exhilaration
apathetic and ecstatic
all things great and small
rage that goes unspoken
secrets in the chambers of my heart

soft quiet waters that lullaby
trees that whisper peace
waters of grace
gentle grass,
caressing the pale naked body
of my disembodied soul

brokedness to spring forth new life

hehe uses for a scanner...

Memoirs: Italy

the next part we toured was Italy.

i was inwardly jumping with excitement in the tour bus. i had my eyes wide open, trying to catch every little detail. the country side was just beautiful... it felt so melancholy and peaceful at the same time....

first we went to Geneva, were we had lunch. our tour guide recommended if we went to a port city to try dishes with seafood, so when time for lunch came, i ordered a sandwich with sea products... it read "Mayonnaise, lettuce, tuna, shrimp on toasted bread." I thought, what the heck, i'll give it a shot, even with the mayo. Never will any other sandwich taste the same. It was the most delicious sandwich I have ever had in my whole life.... and to think it was at a little cheap cafe in Geneva.... I have never liked mayonaise, but homemade mayonaise is a divine creation. Later we saw the port and the aquarium, although we didn't want to spend time at he aquarium. It was more fun watching people and their customs.


At nighttime we went to Venice. The streets there were extremely narrow, and so we momentarily blocked a street adn part of a sidewalk, were an old lady in a bicycle angrily mumbled what I suppose would be bad French, in Italian of course. Our hotel was old and sort of... umm... not the best thing in the world. But the water from the water faucet tasted incredible! Italian water is just unbelievable...

Venice the next day was incredible. At noon we got to ride a gondola. The tour paid for Italian champagne, called "Spumanti". We offered some to our gondoleer and musicians (who were riding in our gondola) but the accordeon player said it wasn't a good idea to drink and be under the sun at the same time. We laughed. He also said "Caldo? NO! Il inferno!" as he poured the stinky Venetian water in his hair.

we saw beautiful balconies with anti war propaganda and geraniums. gosh i love their geraniums....

God loves you and hasn't forsaken you

so here's a daisy i never gave. i've had it in my heart to give this beautiful daisy to a beautiful person who's going through some tough times. you might say, well why haven't you given it to this beautiful person???

you see, i love this person very much. but i'm not sure this person understands this. i'm not sure if this person understands i've never done anything to hurt them.


you see, it's very hard to manifest any type of love to a person who is hurt. sometimes that person's hurt doesn't allow them to see some things. sometimes it just seems at the time like your actions were hurtful when the only thing you had in mind was the best for everyone.

what to do in those instances? keep the daisy to yourself... keep it in your heart, wait for the person to get better and tell them in your prayers that you love them, and ask God to pour out His whole and healing love on that person.

I don't like lying. in fact, i hate lies. God is truth, and evil is lack of truth. lies hurt and they are unfair and they go against everything i believe and everything i want to be. i can't say everything i've ever said is complete truth, but i try my best not to be ever be deceptive... it's not in what i wish for my character. i want to love and i want to be compassionate and a good person. that's all i've ever wanted.

what's more important--- God loves you. He has everlasting merciful love. no matter what you do, or how you perceive yourself, He loves you with unending love. He doesn't make mistakes, only man makes mistakes, but He forgives us anyways. you know why? because when He sees us, He sees His own son or daughter in us. (wow).... He sees everything He created us to be. and He created us with a purpose and with love.

post secret

from Post secret.... i found it very moving. sometimes i look at these postcards and wonder who writes them. I like to wonder what kind of secrets my friends have, and I can relate to some secrets up there myself....

pursuing

yesterday is a kid in the corner
yesterday is dead and over
this is your life
are you who you want to be?
this is your life
is everything you’ve dreamed it would be
when the world was younger
and you had everything to lose?
--Switchfoot, "This is your life"

I'm unhappy, so I'll do everything in my power to become the person I want to be. I realize outside circumstances are not in my power, I've dwelled in them too much, eh? So I'm letting go.

past is past, new has come.

Aug. 22, 2004

"I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else."

C.S. Lewis

anything beautiful or pure, anything worthy, He made it so. my love is imperfect for it's human love. I wish I could love like God, but I'm merely a vessel, i'm not the source. i'm humbled and grateful for it. I'm grateful for his unfailing, faithful, full love. I'm grateful for this life and the chances I have of seeing His love in other people's lives.

you will see and find this love... seek and you shall find. i'm excited to about the plans God has for you, and I know He loves you... find Him. find HIm in the silence, find His burning heart. He wants to overflow your cup too. when you find Him, perfect love will come. eternal and pure... peace be with you and blessing pour upon you. much love! muah! :-D


i found that in my blog. ha it's funny reading your own words a year later... i encouraged myself. it's weird, my own words encouraged me. they made me happy of who i am despite my depression and all.... who would've told me my very own words could cme back to me as a blessing?
i hope they bless you too.


and by the way---- i never burnt the picture, and the subject matter is an unlikely one...

Did God Create Evil?

Did God Create Evil?


The university professor challenged his students with this question:

Did God create everything that exists? "
A student bravely replied "Yes, he did!"
"God created everything?" the professor asked.
"Yes sir," the student replied.
The professor answered, "If God created everything, then God created
evil since evil exists, and according to the principal that our works
define who we are, then God is evil."
The professor was quite pleased with himself and boasted to the
students that he had proven once more that the Christian faith was a
myth.



Another student raised his hand and said, "Can I ask you a question
professor?"
"Of course," replied the professor.
The student stood up and asked, "Professor does cold exist?"
The professor replied "Of course it exists. Have you never been
cold?"
The students snickered at the young man's question.
The young man replied, "In fact sir, cold does not exist. According
to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the
absence of heat. Everybody or object is susceptible to study when it has
or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or
transmit energy. Absolute zero (- 460 degrees F) is the total absence
of heat. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe
how we feel if we have no heat.



The student continued. "Professor, does darkness exist?"
The professor responded, "Of course it does."
The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir. Darkness does not
exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light
we can study, but not darkness. In fact we can use Newton's prism to
break white light into many colors and study the various
wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple
ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it.
How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount
of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness is a term used by man
to describe what happens when there is no light present."



Finally the young man asked the professor. "Sir, does evil exist?"
Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course as I have already
said. We see it every day. It is in the daily example of man's
inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence
everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but
evil."
To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist sir, or at least it
does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It
is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to
describe the absence of God.
God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man
does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold
that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there
is no light."
The professor sat down.
The young man's name --- Albert Einstein.

i thought about burning her picture today... but what good would that be?

you are loved and wanted by God. there is freedom and peace in Him....

that emptiness, that pang of pain will be taken away, and the spirit of joy and peace and a fulfilling love will come back, will arise in your chest, like an everlasting extasis if you'll only accept it.

let it all out

yet again another quote from Relient K:

And You said, "I know that this will hurt,
but if I don't break your heart, things will just get worse.
If the burden seems too much to bear,
remember...
The end will justify the pain it took to get us there."


whatever it takes for eternal joy with my greatest Love.... it's like a punishment by your parents, only to make you a better person. c'est tout. that your parents reprimand you doesn't mean they don't love you (on the contrary!) it's the same with God. HE loves you. you cna push it away, but He's still madly in love with you.

truth

and i’ve been housing all this doubt
and insecurity
and i’ve been locked inside that house
all the while You hold the key
and i’ve been dying to get out
and that might be the death of me
and even though there’s no way of knowing where to go
i promise i’m going

because i got to get out of here
i’m stuck inside this rut that i fell into by mistake
i got to get out of here
and i’m begging You
(i’m begging You)
i’m begging You to be my escape

i fought You for so long
i should have let You win
oh, how we regret those things we do
and all I was trying to do
was save my own skin...
oh, but so were You...
so were You
-- Be my escape, Relient K...


i love the very end phrase--- all i was trying to do was save my own skin, but so were You....

people get so confused. they think God is judgemental, they think God is against them. they close themselves, they think that their guilt is how God feels about them.

don't you see? God has never stopped loving you, and He never ever will.


people get so confused, they think hell is God saying I don't want you anymore. God never says that! He's constantly after our hearts, trying to fulfill us, trying to give us perfect love (i shall emphasize-- PERFECT LOVE)... He sacrificed everything He had for us, because He wants us soooo badly. He's madly in love with you, can't you see? think about it, is there anyone you want so badly you would give up absolutely everything for? well God did that for you. He wants you mroe tahn you want anything else....

so what is hell?

hell is our choosing to stay away. think of it in human terms... think of God as a person. ok, so God is chasing after you, He leaves you notes, He leaves you messages in your answering machine. He e-mails you, He puts notes on your locker, front door, car.... He's chasing after you deperately, He loves you that much. He desires you like no one else ever will. and you can respond in two ways:

you can fall in love with Him... you can see how much He wants you, and how happy He makes you... you can admit to yourself, God fulfills me... or at least say, hey He pursues me so much i will give Him a try. I want to know about this abundant perfect love He says He has for me.

OR

you can say.... i don't want you. i want so and so. or not right now, i have homework. or you can be apathetic. eh... God? not so hot. Billy's hotter. but you'll be left with this empty pain inside, and you'll try to fill it with ther things. and the more you avoid God, the more you avoid what He has in store for you, the darker you become. that's hell.... your choice of separating yourself from God. it's not God saying i don't want you, it's you saying i don't want God. i don't want to love. i don't want to know about goodness....



Jesus doesn't provide a magic happy bubble. i think some people perceive me as insanely optimistic, as insane and unrealistic. that's ok. you can perceive me any way yuo want to. truth is, God is still chasing you, and no matter if i say it or not, no matter if i want to or not, it's the truth. I will not deny what is truth.... sure, the world hurts, sure there's chaos, there's mass destruction, but that's not from God. God is pure goodness.... even more than nutella! even more than your favorite music, or rain, or the beach.




thought i might tell you the truth.

strength

a sad song softly sings in my heart
i simply feel it’s gentle sting

facing reality was never so cruel before
i faced myself first,
then one by one,
my failures and tries…

the introspection
found me
on the floor,
defeated
my soul saw
so much
sadness
loss
famine
starvation….

i whispered my prayer,
scarred and scared…
silent tears cried out to God…

shaking, fearful, unworthy, and human…


face to face with Omniscience
i know nothing
face to face with Omnipotence
i can do nothing
nothing at all….

impotence?
frustration?
no…

human misery
glorifies Worthiness...

circumstances,
instances out of my hand
will unravel magnificently

circumstances,
instances out of my hand
need not be procured by my mind
but by faith
will unravel magnificently

sadness
loss
famine
starvation
are passer by’s….
unwanted visitors
with tainted scruples
yet strengthening my walk…

darkness may cover my eyes
may try to cover my spirit
but never my heart…

Water

so i stand still
close my eyes
hold my breath…
and the water pours
rushing
raging
flooding quickly this empty place
this futile empty temple
made of cold marble and old dust….

my feet are planted
my arms are stiff
my eyes, scared,
look,
grasp for
a safe and dry place
but the water rushes in…

everything turns
spins
crashes
water takes control of me
my legs shake
my eyes cry,
silently and violently
like the water flooding in…

my feet are floating
my arms swing madly
my eyes are shut…
anxious, i await some tragedy
some drowned fantasy
some desperate end

the water
rages
crashes
spins
rushes
turns

the water
violently thrusts
aggressively presses
passionately plunges

and i…

i cease the insane fight
i let go
and the Water carries me
to a place of safe haven
a place of dry land…
where doves have found
their olive branch…

dignity and humbleness

i'm not the best-- i am mediocre, but God loves me anyways. i have been feeling like i'm not the best representative of Christ... and I'm sure I haven't been, but God never expected perfection from me, He expected surrender, and that's what i'm doing. I can't deal with all of this on my own, and i'm not supposed to. I never was supposed to. that's where the difference lies... i am weak and fragile, but God is strong and sturdy for me. I don't have to be....

I praise God because He has been faithful in all instances, because He never ever left my side (even when i couldn't feel Him) I praise God for all the good He will carry out, through me, through you, through His angels and saints. I praise God for His holiness--- His endless goodness and mercy are overflowing, and He has infinite mercy on those who ask. I asked. (you should too!) :-D

i am unworthy. i am mediocre. i am dust in the wind. and i'm glad i realized all of that. one can't be humbled enough.... (i lift You high and bow down low, how high can You be? how low can i go? You must increase, i must decrease Lord, i'll bow down, and You will be adored!)

plus, it's not over. what ghandi admired about Jesus is that He would fall down, they struck Him and humiliated Him, and He would rise up, He didn't give in. He did so with an odd mix of humbleness and dignity. He knew His worth in the Father's eyes--- He didn't need to prove Himself before men. He could have said--- Father--- strike them down! look how they insult their King!!! but instead He took the blows, the strikes, the insults. He took them out of humbleness, but with dignity.... how odd.... and wonderful. dignity? yes dignity. He never felt the need to bow to the "powers of the earth"... He knew His worth. I hope and pray you know your worth in God's eyes and not your own. in my eyes i'm scum, but God sees so much more, and i rather trust Him--- He's my salvation....