thorough explanation of me...

It's funny... I've been melancholy today... not in the sense of pitiful... but in the sense of-- melancholy... then i read my previous post and i made myself smile-- that's always good-- when you can make yourself smile... :-P

so yesterday i finished the C.A. project and i went to a football game with Beth and APril... gosh i hate football and most sports... i just wanted to hang out... hanging out is so awesome! :-D

i'm also excited about my photography class! we'll see how the projects turn out! :-D

on a more personal note.....
well yesterday i was sorta revealed some truths... not the most pleasant exactly... it's this whole idealized against real me type stuff.... i might have to confront situations... and i don't know how to handle them....

all i have to say is this---

no one is perfect except for God... i never expected perfection from anyone... i never wanted anyone to be perfect. I have expectations, it's true, but i don't want my expectations to blind me from the truth. there's this whole internal struggle of keep it going or kill it now... and i think the problem it's that fear of self and being exposed keeps us from being honest? truthful?

for myself-- i can say that i feel at unease because what i say might be misinterpreted very easily. it's also hard to explain some things... maybe they need not be explained right now? it's like this-- i feel like i can't explain how to multiply to someone who hasn't learned to add. and i have no rush for him to learn to add...

you may ask-- why keep it going for someone who doesn't know how to add and never might? well...

because i can see this person. they don't know how to add yet-- but i hope and have faith they have the capabilities. why? well-- explain this to me-- why would anyone think a kid who just learned to talk will ever become the next astronaut? maybe because they learned how to talk in an unusual early age... or maybe-- they learned at an older age but their sentence structure since the beginning was a lot more complex than the regular kid. maybe because the kid grew up in an environment were his development should have been stunt and yet this prodigious child can overcome that obstacle....

catch my train of thought?

ok.. so there's that "what if...?" (which i hate the what if's bc i don't believe in them... i think they're troublesome and instigators of unfounded fear and chaos....) but i will respond the answer

what if this kid who has the potential of becoming an astronaut chooses to merely become an auto mechanic?... well quite honestly-- he'll the best auto-mechanic in the world. :-P it sounds silly... but doesn't it sound right? i mean... i worry about him-- because being that he could be so benefitial to humanity being an astronaut he chooses a profession were he'll help less people does make me a bit sad. it makes me sad because i see the potential... because i see that person that God created him to be... BUT then again-- it's not my choice, and it never will be. i understand that. and why am i so optimistic, and why do i have my hopes so high, and why do i even bother having any hope at all?

well... because of this simple reason-- just like God creates children meant for bigger things-- He puts desires in their hearts. these children like books, they're smart and they like to learn. people don't see the advancement... some people even might think it's a regression-- but when the child is struggling with Calculus when his regular peers are struggling with simple multiplication... well.. it's not a regression at all-- is it? (i didn't think so)

so tell me--- what is your current struggle and compare it to your struggles in the past-- you'll see you're going forward! it might not seem like so but i believe it.