everything

wow! after 30 minutes of writing, my blog dissappeared... it was so beautiful too... argg.. ok i'll try to write it out again!

ok first of all.. i started my day by listening to jim croce, time in a bottle, beautiful song!

then i went to Mass and I realized several things...
first of all.. I've been losing sight... i've been losing my focus on God and his works... oh man! I had it so beautifully written out before... now i can't do the same stream of consciousness i had in the past... but i'll try--

well yesterday i was talking with someone about my "emotional" life and I told them one night a little while ago i prayed to love someone the same way God loves him. i was expecting God to respond "Hannia, you're all wrong, you're not supposed to love him like that" or "Hannia, what are you doing? liking a guy *shakes head*" and what I got instead was.."if you saw what i saw, you'd love him even more".... i felt speechless and a little awestruck.. i'm thick-headed, so i figured... WOW! i'm allowed to love this guy! :) then as i retold the story yesterday, it hit me-- I will never love this guy like God can. I've never nailed my Son for this guy's sake. I can never fully love like God.

as of late, vanity has gotten the best out of me.. i've let some things get to my head... so i got humbled today.... as i was out to receive the Eucharist I saw Christ's heart on fire... I felt so ashamed... I looked and I saw Him bleeding, sad... you know, it's not so much the physical agony, but the emotional one. I've let Him be a wallflower in my life... I saw His heart on fire... He called me out. I'm weak and broken... I've been seeking and pursuing after my own interests and put pause on His... I saw His love and mercy.. He doesn't condemn me, He calls me out... God, I'm poor, I'm weak, I'm pretty broken.... I'm unworthy, I'm unclean. He's physically broken, in pain... my sin has caused pain upon His body, upon His holy pure heart. ashamed, i fall down... how do i dare touch his feet? I am unclean, yet His hand reaches out, in mercy He touches my head. I can only hope to kiss His feet-- scarred by and for my sins.. I say, i'm unworthy, unclean. I'm broken, i'm a sinner. please forgive me, please take me. You are true love, You are true life, by You I can see, by You I can love... and He just takes You in His arms, and His love overflows... the cup is always half empty, humans are always naturally pessimistic, yet by Him, we overflow in good things.... and my heart.. it only wishes to sing praises and be an instrument for His work.... His work of goodness and kindness...

"I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else."

C.S. Lewis

anything beautiful or pure, anything worthy, He made it so. my love is imperfect for it's human love. I wish I could love like God, but I'm merely a vessel, i'm not the source. i'm humbled and grateful for it. I'm grateful for his unfailing, faithful, full love. I'm grateful for this life and the chances I have of seeing His love in other people's lives.

you will see and find this love... seek and you shall find. i'm excited to about the plans God has for you, and I know He loves you... find Him. find HIm in the silence, find His burning heart. He wants to overflow your cup too. when you find Him, perfect love will come. eternal and pure... peace be with you and blessing pour upon you. much love! muah! :-D